A Poly Page for Secondaries

Got Milk? Uh, no that's not what I mean...

2011-01-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

Got kids?

A lot of poly people do. Tons of them do and it’s a tricky subject to maneuver around.

When do the OSO’s meet the kids?

Do you ever tell the kids the extent of the relationship?

Do you let the OSO live with the kids?

How much authority does the OSO have over the kids?

Ummmm……there are no guidelines on this. I tried to think about it and you can’t determine exactly what to do because there are so many factors.

Environmental…who do you live with? How do you live?

If it’s been Mommy and Daddy the whole time and there’s suddenly a new person it’s more difficult than for the Mommy and Daddy who’ve had room or housemates for most of the kid’s lives.

How social are you? If friends are in and out of the house, one more friend is no big deal. If you’re quiet and more reserved, the new person is going to bring up a brow from the children.

Dynamics…what kind of relationship do you have with…everyone?

Are you close to your kids and they know practically everything? Or are they kept in the dark? (Or what you think is the dark because kids are incredibly perceptive?)

The new OSO, is it a typical romantic relationship? Or is a D/s one? Is there kink involved or not? I mention this because those in an M/f or F/m (etc.) type of relationship will give off the vibe of it even when they are not engaging in the activity. It’s just the dynamic and if it’s different from the dynamic you have with the primary, it’ll show up. If not, it might not.

Also, NRE is striking. If you have it, the energy sears and everyone notices it whether you or they realize it or not.

The Kids themselves…each are different.

Some kids can handle anything, know everything and nothing is a surprise. You not saying anything is a formality. They know and it’s probably better just to be honest.

Other kids, may not notice a thing. They may still be in their highly egocentric stage and your world is trivial compared to theirs.

Also, some kids may be mature enough to handle it, some may not be. You may have one of each and decide not to bring it up or to only bring it up to one. It really depends on you and what you think is right. You are the one who knows you’re children and what they can and cannot handle. I sure as hell don’t.

But, the one guideline I would give is to make sure that the person is sticking around. I have a sense that the younger a child will cling more to OSO’s. It’s not fair to bring in a relationship, allow one to be built between your child and them and then break it away out of nowhere.

No, you can never be sure that a relationship will last. However, if you allow a person to become a parental figure of any kind I hope that you’re plan is for that person to stay. If it’s not…..it may be too rough on the child.

Of course, it all depends, but I have a friend who got involved with a woman. He spent a year and half with her, met her kid, fell in love with the kid and that kid with him. 18 months later, she broke up with him out of the blue. This will have been the third time this 8 year old has gone through this. How will this pattern affect the child?

Well, you can argue that it will affect this particular child more because in this string of monogamy the child only has mommy and in a poly relationship the child would have both mommy and daddy, however….loss is loss. It will affect them somehow. It may be mild it may be not. Who knows?

My sister’s cat died recently. Child one was devastated. Child two was okay with it after a week of grief, two different reactions to the same event of losing a loving, family pet. I hope relationships with the OSO’s are just as strong if not stronger than your relationship with your pets.

And I hope you don’t underestimate your children’s emotional attachment to the adults you bring into your life. I also hope that you understand that being poly is a big deal. You are not just adding a lover, but a friend, a sister, an uncle, an aunt, a myriad of possibilities as this person interacts with people in your lives. Do it justice and treat it with the same reality you did when you met your husband or wife and don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s anything less. To do otherwise is treating Polyamory like a game, not like the lifestyle and commitment is it.

Fidelity and Doing Whatcha' Don't Wanna.

2010-12-22T14:39:00.001-08:00

Poly-Fidelity….does there really need to be a separate term for this?

I’ve used it before to designate that my Poly Circle is closed and isn’t a string of casual relationships and to underscore we’re not Swingers. However….when I think about it, why do I have to point that out at all?

Well, one reason is that POLYAMORY means…..so many damned things. Your definition may be different from mine. You may put Swingers into the Poly category or you may not. You may say that having the occasional threesome is Poly and well….you get the picture, right? There is no ONE WAY to be Poly so one might feel the need to clarify, especially when asking someone to join in their style of poly.

Another reason, the assumption by many is that Polyamory doesn’t include fidelity. There’s this idea that once you allow one person in, you’ll allow just about anyone who suits your fancy in. That’s true for some, but not for all. So, again one might find the need to clarify, especially when talking to someone who is clueless as to what Poly may or may not be.

So there are reasons to have the term, but…I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling compelled to have to defend anything, especially from possible accusation. However, on the Nets if you don’t toss out something, there is always some dumbass ready to start trouble by projecting their own experience onto you. This can start discussion or hamper it depending on how anal or trollish the person is. So, gain….reasons, reasons, reasons…

Which kind of brings me to a point, sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to do or feel we need to do because in the end it’s easier to do it rather than not.

What could those things be…..Hmmm?

1) Calling to ask if you can go out to dinner when out with the OSO.

If you’re out and it’s your time, it’s your time right? I’ve had to do this in the past and didn’t like it, but then there was an occasion where I made dinner and didn’t like that when he got home, he’d already eaten. I would have liked a call….not exactly so I could give permission for them to eat out, but so that I would have known and saved my time cooking a meal for three.

2) Checking In.

I know of a couple where one has to check in when they are visiting their OSO. They have to call at some point in the night and say “I’m alive.” or something along those lines. They did not like this, but it made the wife feel better and after a while she stopped asking him to do it.
If he had argued over this, I think it would have caused more insecurity than needed. So, much easier to do it than not, right?

Now these tend to be from a “Primary to Primary” point of view. This is where the “Secondary” can sometimes get shafted. We all have a lot of concern for the Primaries feelings because they are the ones letting someone into their sacred monogamous relationship potentially destroying it by making the wrong choices…yada, yada, yada….Let’s not forget the sacrifice of the Secondary…

● No Primary relationship to show off to friends and family.
● The concept that he/she is in fact Secondary in the first place.
● The lack of automatic protections in case of a married couple.
● The hardship of being the one constantly scrutinized and being put threw approval processes by TWO (or more) people in order to have a relationship.
● Living under the fear of the dreaded VETO.

That’s only to name a few. Let’s not forget that however much restless insecurity is running around the Primary Mind, the Secondary is going through just as much of it. DO NOT FUCK IT UP, by being selfish in this category. Your lack of understanding will cause problems as the relationship progresses.

So…turn those two examples around and put the Secondary as the one who is concerned. The same issues can happen. Maybe you shouldn’t eat before going over because the Secondary is making dinner for you….Maybe you should call a few extra times when you’ll be away from the Secondary, a check in to remind them that they are in fact in your thoughts.

And while we brought up the word “Fidelity” let’s also remember it can mean “ strict observance of promises, duties, etc.” not just “loyalty”. You can apply Fidelty to all those things you might not think is important because maybe they are important in the bigger picture. And adhering to them will make things run smoothly and quite frankly in a healthy relationship, all the STRICT, seemingly STUPID RULES tend to wane in importance to all involved and there’s more of a relaxed atmosphere.

That’s the goal, I think…comfort in Polyamory, when words, and concepts are just that and you’re following your heart, happy with your relationships. It takes time, it takes practice, it initially takes a lot of defining before it is self-defined and has no need for anyone to nit-pick.

Ahhhh, feels good like two plop, plop, fizz, fizzes……oh yeah, never forget to continue to COMMUNICATE. Yay, I got it in!!!

Be Ready

2010-05-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

They’re staying in.

Your lover is in the living room spending some time with his girl. You know they are; it’s no surprise. You understand they want some alone time, but the house is only so big. You’re in a shared room, feeling lost, maybe locked up and put away. It’s not your turn and you don’t like it…

Totally not uncommon.

Some people seem to think that being poly means you don’t ever feel jealous or set aside. Some poly folk think they are somehow more open, more confident and living at a higher level of spirituality because they can love many.

We all love many. Not every one fucks many. ( setting aside the intricacies of love)

Polyamory is not better than Monogamy. They are simply two different lifestyles and each of us chooses what suits us best. Sometimes we even fall into them.

Fall into Monogamy?

You can be poly then stop. You broke up with someone. He broke up with someone whatever happened happened and you find yourself a two person relationship and living monogamous even if you aren’t monogamous.

Anyway, that’s an aside. Let me try to travel back to what I was getting at. Oh yeah, not being perfect in Polyamory.

First, if I can add a first way the hell down here….First, know that there is no perfection in Polyamory. There is rarely perfection anywhere. So why do you think it exists here?

Don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

I know there are people out there who will tell you to stuff your feelings away because they don’t want to deal with it. I’ve seen it happen a lot in the BDSM conclave, for instance. A master will tell a submissive that they just have to deal with it.

Uh, wrong idea.

Deal with it. NOW, not later, not when one of you is crying their eyes out, certainly not when they end up leaving the relationship.

Hmm, I guess in some cases no one cares or getting the person to leave was the intention. It happens intentionally as well as accidentally. Unfortunately, not all relationships are created equally in the honesty department.

I don't know...maybe my concept of poly is very Pollyanna. I have this concept that you find people, get to know them, bring them in, treat them with respect, keep them happy, they keep you happy, you communicate and life is good because you make it good.

I guess in that sense there is some kind of perfection. When all the bad is outweighed by the all of the good.

So, you’re imperfect. I’m imperfect. (Yeah, I know. I barely believe it, either.)

We get jealous. We feel envy. We want more than what we got. We sometimes think life is unfair. We pout. We get hurt, etc.

Sometimes we are even surprised that we feel these things because 10 minutes ago we were fine.

Never think you know exactly what’s going to set you off. Don’t think just because it was fine last week means it’s perfectly fine this week.

I know you think I’m talking about PMS. But no guys, I’m talking to you to.

Our perceptions are molded by environment.

Last week I got a promotion. I lost five pounds. My friend finally paid me back. I found the Million Dollar Man on Nick at Night. I had a fucking awesome week!!!! I was totally cool with everything everyone else wanted!!!

This week? I got a flat tire. That check I got from my friend? It got shredded in the wash and I know the cheap bastard won't put pen to paper like that again. The Million Dollar Man was only on for only that one night and I don’t have enough cash to pay the bills.

Suddenly that thing I was okay with last week seems a little much. I don’t want you going to another movie with him two weeks in a row….I need you here and I can’t handle the thought you want to go.

You get what I’m saying right? Maybe you don’t even know why you’re pissy about things. You just know you are. Feelings can take you by surprise not just for everyone around you, but for you, too.

So be prepared for it. I know you can't be prepared for any specific instance, but you can roll the concept around and be ready to deal when shit falls in your lap.

Hmm, maybe I should work on the feces references...

Okay, so far this talks about reacting to things and coming to the realization that you can’t always control your feelings. No one should live in fear of them, but everyone needs to understand that emotions are dynamic, even feelings about the same fucking thing.

So, we know that. How do we deal with it?

Let’s see.

I’m alone in the room and you are out in the living room with your lover. I don’t want it. I’m antsy about it, but I promised it and the two of you don’t want to give up the time because this is really the only time you’ll have in a while.

Solved.

The circumstance dictates I deal with it. If their scheduled allowed more occasions, maybe this time they give it up and I get my way. But that’s not the case. I give up what I want.

Is that fair?

You may not see it as fair in this particular situation. You may handle it differently. As long as all agree, you can do whatever. Overall though, I may have gotten my way many, many times and I can’t always have my way. Tough fact for some, but true.

You know there is something that can be done to ease things on me.

I have a kinky friend who sets a timer. Her hubby agrees that he will scene for only X amount of time. He sets the time to go off a few minutes before so he doesn’t go over that time. Basically in my scenario I can say you can have your alone time, but can it be only for X amount of time.

Hey, that might be compromise. What about that? Sheeee-it. Compromise?

That is entirely too awesome.

However, there won’t always be compromise. Sometimes you might have to bite the bullet, but that’s okay and that’s probably the hardest parts of Polyamory:

Sharing when you don’t really want to...

Giving when you don't want to...

Setting aside your needs when you feel you really can't.

It's hard. Don't beat yourself up if you falter. Recognize that you may not be capable of perfect Polyamory. Be ready to think of how you can deal with it. Think of compromises. Think of the overall big picture. Be prepared, be on mental standby, do your damnedest to deal with the situation, even when it hurts.

Sometimes you have to take one for the team. If all is well, they'll do the same for you and you'll find yourself in the circle of love you hoped Polyamory was defined by.

© 2010

You Know

2010-05-26T19:49:00.000-07:00

Is one poly dynamic better than another one? Hard to say, but I guess I should word it differently. Is one poly configuration easier than another?

One to one is mathematically easier. We all know that: not better, but easier. What about the threesome?

I suppose this depends. Are we talking a “V” or a triad?

The V seems kind of hard. There is always one left out with nothing to do. The triad seems like there would only be someone left out some of the time but not all of the time. Both may be a problem, actually it all depends.

Depends on....?

How needy everyone is. Do you know how high maintenance you are? You should find out. The best way to do it is to ask those around you. Be prepared if you want honest answers. You may not always realize how much it takes to keep you happy.

I never realized it, but I was always around people who had the energy to expend and didn't mind. It wasn't until I met someone who didn't have the same levels that I found out that yes, indeed, I am high maintenance.

Wait... does this mean I've always been high maintenance or just for this one person?

Do you see where I'm going with all of this? You do, but not all of you know it yet.

Okay, here goes... poly mathematical equations: While what's easier than this or that, or how much maintenance are all important parts of the equation, they aren't the key to it. The key is who you are and who your lover(s) are.

I am high maintenance to one person, but not to another. So what does that mean? It means you have to pay attention to your partners and really get to know them, and communicate as best you can, to make any of your poly choices work. You want a string of lovers, fine. You want a triad, an N, a V, a hexagon, a circle, a beating down of every paradigm that ever was, then do it. Just know who you are doing it with.

See, I told you that you already knew what I was talking about.

So, what's better? What's easier? Like I always say, it depends. It depends on you.

Taking Responsibility

2009-12-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

It’s been a while. Life has been hitting hard these days with many, many changes and a few terrible illnesses hitting the family. We will survive it.

Anyway, below is my entry. Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR and hopefully your Christmas’s gave you a moments of happiness.

More than one…

That’s the basis for polyamory right? Right? This means polyamory is a group dynamic correct? This means in order for it to work you have to be a part of the group or at least allow yourself to be open enough to communicate needs, desires, and hurts. Right?

This also means that your actions mean something. Right?

I guess I can stop adding “right?” to everything and just get to the fucking point.

You have to allow yourself to be apart of a group dynamic if you are going to be poly even if your intention is only to have intimate sexual relations with just one person in the group.

You have to take responsibility for your actions at all times. You can’t assume that what you say or do has no repercussions to the group. You cannot pretend “it’s their problem” and walk away from what you have done.

You have to communicate. Period. If you cannot do this you cannot build the trust needed to make polyamory work. PERIOD.

If you cannot do these things then you need to get the fuck out. PERIOD.

So let’s take a look at things:

What does it mean being a part of a group? Basically it means that you interact with everyone in the group, consider their feelings and make a conscious effort to keep the machine, the group, moving in the direction of the common goal, happiness.

This is such a broad concept with so many details that we tend to skip over them because like I said, it’s a broad concept. But don’t let that stop you from trying to figure things out.

One of the things everyone in a poly relationship should be doing is figuring out what drives the machine, what interactions are required and what keeps everyone happy most of the time.

This basically means you have to get to know everyone in the group on a one on one basis. Everyone should have a minimal comradely relationship. You don’t need to fuck, but you need to like each other beyond tolerance.

If you are just “tolerating” anyone in the group, shit is going to fly and you’re never going to know in what direction.

The ideal in a poly dynamic is a sense of family, being on the same team, of everyone having your back, standing by your side, basically everyone should be able to trust the entire group.

Levels of trust will differ depending on the type of interaction, lovers, friends and the level of need required by each individual. You may need tons of proof for trust. Another member may need nothing more than your word. (Neither is more noble than the other.)

How do you get trust? Well hell, you know the answer to that.

Honest Communication.

Communication is always the answer and if you can’t dive into the sense of group enough to give that then things are doomed.

Okay so taking responsibility for your actions and words….

I’ve talked about this one before. Basically most, if not everything, you do or say in the group means something to someone. And if those things are taken wrong, it doesn’t absolve you from having done them. Does it make you a prick or a bitch? Depends.

Sometimes we say thoughtless things.

“She looked better yesterday.”

Is this necessarily a bad statement?

No, it’s not. It might mean she looks good today, but not as good as she did yesterday. Someone might see the meaning as “ She looks bad today.”

Something like that is in the ear of the listener. One can explain what they mean and it never be heard. The original speaker just needs to apologize even if they didn’t mean harm. It doesn’t cost anyone anything and everyone can move on.

That’s taking responsibility for the group dynamic and allowing it to function beyond personal pride. Every one in the group should be doing this.

Now if that statement was made with a snide tone an apology is needed. Things may have to be discussed further depending on the matter and also the frequency of such tonalities.

Tone means everything and if a speaker is consistent in offensive tones the speaker needs to change the habit even if they don’t mean it. Why?

For one, offensive tones can cause trouble. It can make a neutral statement sound combative. This would require constant explanation and apology by the speaker. Over time, the explanations and apologies would mean nothing because repeat apologies now sound like bullshit. It now sounds like the speaker intends insult.

Repeat offenses, even if unintentional, stop being unintentional.

It now becomes thoughtless and negligent regardless of what the speaker thinks. For the speaker to continuously state “it’s their problem” is a clear statement to everyone in the group:

The speaker does not care enough to change an offensive habit and does not care about group stability. The speaker is more concerned about themselves because a repetition of this action WILL cause resentment. Resentment causes the dynamic to lose focus from its common goal,

HAPPINESS.

If the speaker can’t drop the ego on the matter or continues not to see that they are now the problem then that person can kiss their involvement in the group goodbye or in some cases, the entire group will dissolve. Basically, bye bye love fest.

So what needs to happen? Well, it all revolves around the dreaded word “Communication”.

I think people forget that communication is a complicated thing. They forget it’s not just hearing the words, but understanding the words and going beyond understanding and taking action.

“You hurt me because (XXXXXX)”

“Ok, I’m sorry.”

Communication?

Maybe.

“You hurt me again because (XXXXXX).”

“Ok, I’m sorry.”

Communication?

Maybe.

“You hurt….” You get the idea right?

Either A, communication hasn’t occurred or B, the person doing the hurting doesn’t give a fuck. If they don’t give a fuck, we need to find out why and work that kink out. Is it a communication problem or something else? Is this retaliation from some pervious incident?

In ANY scenario, people need to talk. They need to express pain, hurt, reasons, etc. Everyone one needs to be heard. Everyone needs the catharsis. EVERYONE needs to be ready to dish it and take it.

It sucks ass sometimes, but it’s needed. If the group cannot withstand effective communication then it’s not strong enough to bare the weight of itself. Essentially, it will fail and people will get hurt.

If two people, lovers, friends, family cannot talk to each other, listen to each other and hear the good as well as the bad then they aren’t what they think they are. Lovers listen and take it. Friends fight and come back to each other. Family stands by you no matter what.

This doesn’t mean you get to shit on people. It doesn’t mean “It’s their problem and if they turn their backs on me then they don’t love me.”

What it means is that everyone, EVERYONE, has to take responsibility for what they say and do. They have to modify their behavior if that behavior consistently causes pain or stress to one or more of the group. If they don’t that person isn’t a part of the group and doesn’t have the group in mind. They only have themselves and if this is the case then they need to drop out.

(And remember, polyamory is a group of one on one interactions interplaying with one of two, two on one, three on one, etc, etc. In the end it’s the group, but you are a piece of the group.)

Mutual Satisfaction

2009-08-28T11:44:00.001-07:00

What happens when you can’t agree?

Hmmm….

Depends.

Done with entry.

…

…

Okay, maybe there’s more to it than that, but it does depend.

Okay let’s make some folks up because I gotta make folks up or else somebody gets pissy. So this is safe and keeps my ass from hearing the nagging.

You, yeah you, that’s easy and Jessie are in disagreement. Let’s say You are the secondary and Jessie is the primary other, not your lover. ( I chose this because this is usually the most complicated scenario.)

Jessie has said no on a request. She’s said no a lot of times and you are fucking frustrated because Jessie is ALWAYS getting what she wants. Chris, your shared lover, hasn’t really stepped in at all, doesn’t want to, feels safer off in the corner. You are left on your own with Jessie. Jessie is pimping around because primaries get to that because they have all the power.

Um, okay…sure they do. Let me ask Jessie this. You get what you want all the time. You never let the secondary have anything. Chris gets mad and the secondary gets mad. Then what?

Maybe you’re okay with the mad, but are you okay when you don’t get to have your fun, when Chris starts saying no I don’t want you to do that? Becoming too irritable, when the mad starts getting in your way? What about needing something from the second? You think it’s going to happen again and again when you’re treating them like this? What about the strength of the entire fucking relationship? Do you not care?

Primaries have an illusion of absolute power. Some really, really need it to feel secure in the poly relationship. Some Primaries can’t really handle sharing, they may only be doing it as a quid pro quo, basically they want their cookies too and if they want to get them, they gotta let their primary partner have their own. Cookies may be lovers, maybe any thing.

What am I getting at?

There is no such thing as absolute power, not even in the D/s or kink formed poly relationship. There is no such thing unless the one who holds the power doesn’t give a damn about individual well being of those involved or the well being of the entire unit.

The key to ANY relationship, be it polyamorous, monogamous, business or family is….

MUTUAL SATISFACTION

That’s right kids, everybody has to be happy in order for any type of relationship to work. Accepting this concept will lead you to great rewards in your poly relationship, but it’s also going to lead you to the underlying concept of poly relationships…

NO ONE HAS ABSOLUTE POWER

Satisfaction pulls in all directions. It pulls at everyone involved and it forces compromise and indulgence at a constant rate to maintain the balance of mutual satisfaction. The tension may be loose or tight, it depends on everyone’s needs and how they interplay, but if you cannot grasp this one simple concept then kiss your relationship goodbye and dear primaries of the world…

STICK YOUR POWER GRAB UP YOUR ASS.

Really. That’s harsh. I know you’re insecure, but sugars of the world, everyone is insecure. Everyone has something to lose. Everyone is putting out to get anything in the relationship. Everybody has to understand this and stop treating poly like a combat sport.

Women need to leave the warfare behind or you’re never going to be happy.

That goes for you too, dudes. Men are just as whacked as women sometimes.

Do you get what I’m saying though? Mutual satisfaction requires compromise, indulgence and most of all, a communal spirit. For gods sake you’re sharing pussy and cock, how much more fucking communal can you get than that?

Basically in the scenario above Jessie has to think about why she is constantly denying. Is it for the good of the whole? Does it not work out because of time, finances or some other kind of resource? (If it’s these kinds of reason, make sure you make it known.)

Or is Jessie just being a bitch? Is she trying to get revenge for some long ago spite? (Did Jessie even communicate that past issue? Is everyone going WTF? because Jessie didn’t spill the beans?)

You know, we shouldn’t just pick on Jessie. We all need to ask ourselves these questions when the situation comes up. We also need to pay attention to what we’re doing. We need to be vigilant about our actions in case there is poor communication.

WHAT? I have to pay attention to them? Hell no!!!!!

I’m not asking you to go overboard and take notes and hold personal committees on what others may say or feel, but I am asking that you pay attention to their responses, look for patterns, look for signs of problems, etc.

I am NOT asking to assume what those things mean, but to talk when you notice something amiss. Yeah, I know, you know, but you don’t really know it as well as you think. I don’t. Nobody does because we have interference called egos, life, friends, family, jobs and a lot of other noise that gets in the way.

I’m not trying to put anyone down or say they can’t do this. I am saying that we must be aware and in the routines of our days that awareness can become disconnected. In the end though we have to remember what makes a poly relationship successful.

Group Communication.
The Group Goal of Success.

And the concept of…

Mutual Satisfaction.

You’ll need to break down what these things mean. Get a detail of the overall picture because poly is too complicated for an overview to take care of it all. You need to dive in, smiling, happy, wide eyed and ready to play.

It’s work, but it’s all fun. Think about it? More love, more sex, more emotional support, maybe more financial support, a sense of family, a sense of having someone on your team!

Who’s got your back?!?! Who’s on your side?!?!?!

They are. You all are, if you play by the rules and remember Mutual Satisfaction.

© 2009

Best.....Links and Stuff

2009-08-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

The Best of 2005

Hey again! I’ve been getting a lot of comments recently and thanks so much for them by the way. I don’t get paid to do this and comments are pretty much all I get for it. Anyway, one commenter (Potgrrl) asked for links for newbies.

I thought about that, thinking there are archives on the side, but then I thought not all of them pertain to others. Some of them are just me talking about my latest…uh whatevers. ( I really don’t remember.)

Anyways, I decided to do a page of links, but there are a few years to shuffle through so this page is a “best of” for 2005. Most of them have something in them for the community at large. They also have a lot of grammatical errors. I’m really going to have to take care of that one of these days…….

So, they are listed by month and I will post a few of these and end it with a super best of one of these days and maybe take some time to create a link to that….oh where does the time go? On, I suppose…..

Again, thanks for all the support and Mark is your aka your BlogSpot? I guess it would be easy for me to find out if I just checked. *smiles*

August 2005

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/08/suddenly-poly.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/08/coming-out-brief-look.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/08/life-compartments-and-limited-love.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/08/part-time-love.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/08/are-you-poly-material.html

September 2005

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/09/exclusion-from-within.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/09/quality-vs-quantity.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/09/language-barriers.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/09/as-long-as-it-takes.html

October 2005

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/10/lost-in-translation-or-if-i-had-known.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/10/all-this-poly-stuff.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/10/poly-sensibilities.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/10/intimate-words.html

November 2005

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/11/communication-breakdown.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/11/i-am-who-i-am.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/11/again-and-again-and-again.html

December 2005

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/12/fuck-yes-t-shirt-no.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/12/poly-specifics-or-specifically.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/12/inside-or-out.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/12/closer.html

Had I.......

2009-08-13T12:36:00.000-07:00

I try to think back to the first days and what I needed back then. I needed to feel safe. I didn’t feel safe because I felt as if I were being judged for every little thing I did. I felt insecure in my smiles, what I offered, and who I was supposed to be. I felt as if there was a place holder for me, but what shape I would take remained to be seen.

A part of that insecurity was lack of communication. At the onset, Kay and I were kept apart. I think now that was because Kay was having a much harder time with the polyamory than I’d realized. I think later I would see that though, Kay may have been honest with Wayne, she wasn’t honest with me. At some point I think we forged a bond, but I can’t ever say it was truly a strong one. There was compersion….I remember getting to the point of having that.

Is that anyone’s fault? Not really.
Kay and Wayne were falling a part. She was already speaking of leaving him. I should have known, but I was desperate for them to make it work. I can’t say why really other than I knew that it would kill Wayne not to have his family. I’m not saying the idea didn’t hurt KaY, but the truth of the matter my loyalty was first to him before it was to her. It had to be. It was the structure of our relationship.

I had guilt in that for a long, long time. I see now that it was silly to have ever felt that way.

So, in the beginning things were hard. We had many, many, breakthroughs in the middle of feeling like everything was going to fall a part. I think a lot of people start this and think it will be easy or it will be fine. They say I know what I should be doing or what I want to be done not really understanding that each partner brings about different circumstances.

We can never use the same playbook. We can get a better idea of where to start, but we can’t mimic the past because there is always something different, including you. You are not the same as you were ten years ago…not even as you were a year ago.

I’ve been thinking if I had to do it all over again what would I change? What would I need to make it easier on me?

1) I would be more honest. I would bite the bullet and take the hits of my honesty.

I trained everyone into an expectation of my behaviour. When I was ready to break fee of it, it was hard and I had to blast my way out of it. Everyone had to relearn how to deal with me as I had to learn to deal with everyone else.

It’s easy to say all of this in retrospect. I had no idea what I wanted from the relationship back then. I had no idea of what even needed. But I needed to be more honest with myself and with everyone around me.

2) I would ask for more.

I never asked for much at first. I was happy for any little morsel I received. I cherished every second I got. I loved and adored the time I had with Wayne, but I never had enough. I spent a lot of lonely nights crying. I took in a lot of pain simply because I wouldn’t ask for more. I was so afraid of being judged for wanting more and more afraid of being denied.

3) I would accept denial and criticism as part of the growing process.

This is very hard. Above I mentioned fear of denial. I thought if I was denied once then I would be denied again and again and again. I assumed far too much without asking. You cannot know anything without communication. Without knowing you create your own hell then start blaming others for your own thoughts. That’s all YOU, no one else and YOU are the one being unfair to those around you.

Criticism is hard to take, but we all need it from time to time. It takes strength to withstand it and if you have none of it , it takes the desire for a successful relationship to get past it.

We are all imperfect. We are all pieces of an imperfect puzzle. Perfection varies. We do not have to fit perfectly together to work. There is no real perfect, in the sense that a relationship is happy, shiny and wonderful without work.

It takes work, a lot of mother fucking hard work and a lot of mother fucking hurt feelings, harsh words and pain to get to the point where realistic perfection is obtained.

I know I make it sound like a romp through hell when all it might be is a really big BBQ. I’m not telling you that it’s going to be absolutely shitful, but I am telling you that everyone involved needs to lower the expectations of progress and happiness because we tend to expect too much too soon in poly.

4) If I were to go into it today, I would change my expectations.

How you know what to expect? Expectations can be high and low. Mine were very high. Because I was told that a married couple had talked it over and did their research and decided to be poly, I thought I would just walk in and everything would be okay. (In terms of how she felt.)

It wasn’t.

Have I ever told you that the first time I met Kay faced to face she screamed at me, told me I wasn’t pretty, and a bunch of other horrible things? Did I ever tell you I stormed out of their house in tears? That I parked and cried and cried because I knew I loved Wayne, but I thought she hated me so much that it would never work?

Apparently I went back, that same day, within fifteen minutes. I decided that she was far more angry at the situation than at me. I decided that the only way to make this work was to stand up to the tempest. I put on a fucking raincoat and we spent the day taking action to make things better.

It was hard. I still cringe when I think about it.

It wasn’t what I expected and that day changed my expectations for the worse. I never heard Wayne’s phone ring without worrying that something was wrong. I don’t know how long it took before having Margo call didn’t send me into emotional worry.

I never told her that. I don’t know why. (Fear?)

What I’m getting at is expectations can be good and bad and can lead to both god and bad. Maybe if you remove the word expectation and replace it with assume your bulb will go off because we all know we should never assume anything about anyone until we talk it out.

5) Communicate more, ah the classic.

I think I tried to communicate to the best of my ability. I think we all did. What got in the way was fear. Fear gets in the way of everything. It can change our wording, let things slide, get something ignored. Anything that is does is bad when it leads to poor communication.

But you know what the hell is communication?

Let’s think about that…

Is communication me saying something to you and you hearing it? Or is it me saying something and you understanding it? If you say you understand something I’m trying to convey, can we be sure about it?

I can tell you right now that hearing it isn’t enough. Some of you are going to read this entry and not understand what the fuck I’m talking about. Some of you will think you got it and do the exact opposite. I’ll never know because we’ll never interact. How will you know if you’re communicating well? The best we can do is for the person you’re talking to come back at you with what you said.

That’s right, repeat in their own words what they think you’ve said.

A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G but needed in circumstances where people don’t communicate well.

Fuck I’ve seen it in action. I’ve even seen someone repeat what was said and the two leave thinking they were understood. I think the person doing the original communicating forgot that they had to listen to and not assume that what was being repeated was correct.

But communication is more than just the concept of speaking and being understood. It’s telling everything that needs to be told.

I may be angry at you and tell you that I am, but maybe I never tell you why I am hurt or why it affects me so deeply. Maybe I left out that a week ago you did the same thing and a week before that you had done it again. I may forget to tell the breadth of your actions, the depth of my pain and the full reason behind it.

Why?

I may not understand it myself. I may not want to start too much trouble. I may think I can’t bring it up because it was so far in the past. I may simply be afraid…

Fear, we have to look at what we’re afraid of. It never goes away until we confront it.

Oh and there’s body language…

Fuck.

Communication is hard. Really fucking hard. It’s why we come back to it again and again and again because it’s such a complicated act and we put too little effort in it and take for granted that it’s simple. It’s not. You’re not. I’m not. We need to work on it.

So, that’s just a short hint of what I’d do if I were to start it all over again. I think I will come back to this concept again and see how things have changed from initial response to the retrospective response.

Anyway, hoping all is well and that you are living large and lovin like only you can.

Jealousy and Other News

2009-07-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

“I couldn’t be poly because I get jealous. I’m so amazed that you can do that.”

I smiled. “I do get jealous.”

My friend seemed shocked that jealousy occurs in polyamory. She is one of the few people who know about me and my lifestyle and all this time she thought I was of some higher form of being. Not get jealous? Really?

It amazes me that many people seem to think that not getting jealous is a requirement of polyamory. It’s not. Successful poly isn’t about repressing emotion, but learning to deal with them in a healthy manner. That more than anything brings us to a higher plane of being.

But anyone can learn to deal with life better than how they are right now.

Recent months has seen my life change a lot. There have been some major, major things afoot and some minor ones to boot. Polyamory has been the last thing on the list and so has this blog.

One, the major thing about this blog has seriously changed.

Me.

I have written a post for this blog several times wanting to explain the major changes in my life. I worried again and again how it would come across, how would you perceive it and would you listen to me afterward. You know I once told someone or tried to tell someone covertly that they didn’t need to carry the Poly flag, that they should let the relationship go and move on. Stop trying to save something you can’t.

They didn’t listen because they couldn’t hear or see. They were too caught up in their own world to look outside themselves. This is often the case in times of stress.

Anyway, so the big news? You guessed it. John and I are a twosome. Kate and he divorced and she is off with Sluggo... whatever the hell was I calling him? It’s been in the works for ages. Wayne finally moved in with me last year. It was a trial by fire and in the end it’s working out for the best because no one should keep something going that needs to end. It’s not healthy for anyone. It just causes more pain and more pain in one’s life is not needed.

One day, when I’m ready, I might post those several entries I didn’t post about this subject. I just wanted you to know that we’re living monogamously at the moment, but plan to remain poly.

So, I’ll be a second become primary. I hope that makes me a really, really good primary. I hope so because I’ll know what it’s like to enter into an established household.

So back to this jealousy thing.

I told my friend that jealousy happens all of the time. It’s a given. I told her you can’t control how you feel about things. Jealousy occurs out of no where and can be very strong at times. The key difference is that poly folk know that their lovers have someone else. So there is no betrayal involved, at least not in the cheating sense.

But there can be a sense of territory over say, a certain restaurant, a special way of doing something. I recall a certain sexual toy being reserved for just one of us, but not the other. (Not a vibe so get your bio-germ selves out of a hissy of “Of Course”).

The latter was easy to deal with. It was negotiated that the toy was meant for one person and no one else. It’s the surprises that catch you off guard and can cause a lot of drama in the household.

I know of a friend who loved a particular restaurant. She went there all of the time with her lover. Then one day they stopped going. She just got tired of it. Months passed and this woman and her lover hadn’t gone in over a year. The lover took another woman to that same restaurant. My friend threw a fit of epic proportions. “That’s our place!!!!!!!” There was this big fight, a what-to-do-pow-wow and finally it all got settled.

Funny thing about that, is that my friend has yet to go back to that restaurant. She’s still bored with it and now she thinks she’s silly for her reaction, but at the time it seemed legitimate.

All jealousy seems legitimate and reasonable at the time. It really fucking does.

In terms of monogamy, we can possibly get jealous and move on. It may not be right to do so, but the monogamous couple only has each other in mind. Poly is different. We have to look at all involved as fairly as we can and those of us having the jealous reaction really have to ask why and was it a knee-jerk reaction that we can get over? I mean should my friend bar her lover from ever gong to that restaurant with someone else? Is that really fair? Is that where she wants to lay down her gauntlet?

What’s worth fighting over? What’s worth digging in our heels for?

Some of the things we fight over are petty. Some are not. I think we all have to think hard as to what is and isn’t worth creating chaos in the house for. Are those feelings really worth it? And probably the real question is this:

What is the real problem?

I don’t think my friend was really worried about the restaurant. She may have been worried that her lover was getting closer to his new girl. Her insecurity surfaced from the restaurant deal, but my guesses are they would have surfaced somewhere else.

My friend took the time to think about her reaction. Her lover took the time to listen and not ridicule her feelings. (He thought it was stupid of her.) The two of them communicated then the three of them communicated and it worked out.

So the next time something happens think beyond the incident, think beyond the surface. Jealousy usually has more depth that which movie was seen or which restaurant was gone too.

P.S. If you want to ask me anything about anything, just e-mail me.

A Quickie Nothing Update

2009-02-26T16:46:00.000-08:00

Wow, I just came by to check things out and realized that I haven’t written a single post for 2009. It’s almost March and shit…You’d think I’d have something to say to start of the new year.

I guess at this point it’s more like crawling into the new year.

There hasn’t been much going on, not lately. Though really, there have been some major life changes. I wrote about it when it initially occurred, but some interested parties did not like it. So, that original post lasted “on air” for about 4 hours. Since then, I’ve been going over how to say what I want, get my feelings across,what I want, etc.

I find that complete honesty will be hard. What I have to say some don’t want to hear. Maybe you don’t want to hear it either, but I know interested parties won’t want to. So, I’ve written umm……a few versions and each has been tossed into the can.

Funny how honesty isn’t always easy. Not even delving into poly and forcing yourself and others involved to choke it down seems to make it any easier.

Anyway, that’s were I am. Caught in a “Should I or shouldn’t I?” kind of thing. Or maybe it’s not a matter of should, but how?

I don’t know. It’s so hard to say and maybe all of this means I’m just not ready to talk about things and maybe the things I need to talk about aren’t ready either.

Maybe I’m making things way tooooooo complicated.

Yeah, maybe. I don’t care at the moment, though. I just know life is so much better than it has been. My world is getting brighter, things are changing for the best, everyone involved seems to be happier than they once were. It just took a couple of steps to make it so.

Hmmm, maybe I’m making you wonder. Hell, I know I am. All this can be the great mystery of the year. You know, you probably already know. You just don’t want to say you know because there’s this little, itty, bitty, part of you saying, “Nah, that’s not it.”

You might be right.

It may not be it.

That’s all I got to say for now, a lot of nothing. I will get back to you on all the changes, the mysteries, the better than whats and keep on keeping on. I hope all is well in your poly worlds and that you understand that sometimes to be happy, you have to make some hard choices.

Love ya!!!!

Why 2009

2008-12-31T12:56:00.000-08:00

Here’s you New Year’s question:

Why the fuck are you poly?

Yeah, that’s kind of a rowdy way to put it, but really why are you?

Let me think of some of the things I’ve heard…

I want a relationship, but I don’t want to have the level of commitment a one on one relationship requires. I like the somewhat distant relationship I have. Not that it isn’t intimate, but that…

I love them both equally and I can’t choose. They like each other. It works.

It kind of just happened.

We have always thought of having additional relationships, after we worked on our primary one.

My Master wanted it.

It’s what we do and we love it.

I can’t see limiting myself to one person. I won’t cheat. This is honest.

I haven’t been able to find a one on one relationship that works for me, but this does.

I fell in love with someone who was attached and…

There are far more why’s out there, but let me ask you this? Are any of the above good enough in the why department? It’s hard to really connect to why anyone is poly. It seems to start out as a kinky thing or a swinging thing or maybe…..a little dissatisfaction with the primary relationship?

Yeah, I know I am hitting on some touchy buttons. Polyamory doesn’t like to be linked in with anything potentially dysfunctional. Some poly folk are hard core kinksters and others want nothing to do with it. Some poly people will balk at the idea that they are swingers at all and my god, dissatisfied with the primary relationship???!!!!?// GODS NO!!!!!!!

Uh….okay.

I will agree that there are actually some well grounded primary relationships who want additional relationships to explore intimate interactions beyond the societal prescription. I have no doubts that there are many, many sound relationships flourishing in polyamory. I also have no doubt that there are many fucked ones as well.

Sorry folks, being poly doesn’t make your relationship more noble than any other. You’re just poly, that’s it. And unfortunately for everyone who is doing it “right” there are just as many doing it “wrong”.

Why?

Because that is the nature of relationships. We all have made bad choices, poor decisions and so forth. Each relationship, poly or not, stands on its own. Each has its own reasons for why, its own reasons for flourishing or disintegrating and I’m here to say none is really better than another. That’s not what I am after. My right is your wrong and vice versa. To each his own, etc. What I really want to know is why?

Why do something that is much harder? Why put ourselves through the mixer when we don’t have to? Why go this route? Why push against the grain and do this at all?

I went the poly route because I didn’t truly understand what I was getting into. I’m not sure any of us really, really do. We have an idea of what it is. We know that there is more than one person involved. We get that feelings will get hurt. We understand that there will be some level of integration, even for those who choose to be “distant” in their poly.

I am kinky. Let me get that out there if I haven’t before. My poly relationship started out as your standard wife doesn’t want to go “that far” into it thing. I’ve seen it tons of times, now anyway. Then, I hadn’t really.

And I really thought the relationship wouldn’t last. I really thought the wife would grow tired of it, he’d get his rocks off, whatever. In the mean time I’d gain some cool experiences to write about.

I had no fucking idea that I’d still be with him today. Or that our relationship would evolve into something quite different. I’ll tell you about it when I’m ready, but not just yet.

So, my why was kinky in essence and became something that we worked on and tired our damndest to make a real poly family.

That’s hard. Keeping it kinky would have been more simple. But you know, making a family is always harder than “keeping it simple”. Commitment, time, resources, all that stuff are big deals to add to the simple soup. It gets complicated. Then we start talking about living arrangements, children, money……all that relationship stuff.

Hey you know, I just wanted to have a good time. I had no idea that I’d find the love of my life.

Basically my initial “why” had none of the “love all” crap in it. I wasn’t thinking about multiple love or trying to make a statement. I was just thinking about the moment, me and what I wanted then. I had no thoughts about the future.

In retrospect, I think it would have been better to think a few steps ahead. Life would have been totally easier. I think.

Nah, it would have been rough no matter what because people, even with the best intentions, get territorial and insecure.

Anyway, I think it’s best if we tear down the why of our poly to the purest form it is. If you can rip it apart, not hide any truths from yourself and be completely honest then you will make it that much easier on you.

Hmmm, maybe you are insecure and don’t think you can find anything else? If that’s the case you should work on your self-esteem. You’ll need it to make you better for you and for those who love you.

Perhaps you are a horny fucker and need lots of poon-tang? Fine, but be honest with your partners. They need to know that you want to keep it “simple” and don’t want committed relationships beyond the booty call.

You are weary of your relationship and want to spice it up? This happens. Work on the primary relationship first, adding others at this point puts them through the grinder and only bandages, not heals the core problem. (And is very selfish.)

Your ego needs the feed? No, you probably won’t admit this to yourself or anyone else. But yeah, your main reason for poly is having them fight over you and you be in total control. I don’t see this type of poly lasting a long time, but maybe if you discover this about yourself you’ll stop putting you and your loved ones through so much shit. Or you can find the right co-dependents to help you out? (Insert rant here.)

You’re bi and want one of each? Oh to find the hot bi-babe!!!!! She exists, but she seems to be always taken. *smiles* You can find her!!!!!! Or have fun trying!!!!!

You love him/her and it’s what they want? No one will stop you. Just make sure you can handle it and DO NOT, sell yourself short. If you do this make sure you get your needs met. If you don’t, you’ll slowly wither and wonder what went wrong.

You want multiple interactions because it simply feels right? You understand that it might be hard. You might make mistakes, but you and those you choose are committed to making it work. You will find your way and in the end, even if it ends, you’ll be all the richer for having had the experience and your life being touched by people you love.

Got any more why’s you know of? Want to share? E-mail me at polygrrl@yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous unless otherwise stated by you.

Oh and Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Red Lights, ZIngers and Zowies

2008-12-16T13:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was an odd Monday morning. I suppose not so odd as far as Monday mornings go. I had the car for the first time in a long time and was re-experiencing the sensation of control. Or so I told myself as through out my morning commute other drivers conveyed that stopping at red lights wasn’t the law of the road, merely suggestions.

That got me to thinking about poly.

There are many, many rules to poly. You start your relationships and there are all these guidelines. Thou shalt….Thou shalt not……and so forth.

It’s actually quite cumbersome, especially when many of these rules are made up as we go along.

But making the rules isn’t my point. It’s following them.

How many of your poly rules do you actually follow? How many times have you come across a situation and told yourself you should really do this or that and you don’t?

I think it happens more often than not.

Now, I’m not talking about Wednesdays belong to Harold and Fridays you have to be home by 9 so that Charlotte can get to her dance class on time. Those kinds of rules are easy to follow, like stopping at red lights should be. I’m talking about the other rules, the ones where there is confrontation involved.

Yeah, I managed to sneak in yet another post on communication. It’s amazing how many times we can revisit this topic and still not get it. Sometimes, you have to see a picture at every angle to really get the depth of it. Consider this yet another angle on that sometimes tiring topic, communication.

Let’s start with communicating when something bothers you. That’s simple right? Charlotte says something snarky and you say “Hey Charlotte, that was fucked.” And of course Charlotte apologizes and all is well.

Sorry, I think I just flipped over to some kind of fantasy world.

Okay, maybe Charlotte is not a total raving bitch. Maybe she is someone who will just accept your issues and you can all move along. Maybe you’re the exact same way. We’ll even pretend that both you and Charlotte are super special and never get your panties in a twist about anything.

Now that that’s over lets get back to reality.

Charlotte is a bitch. She tries not to be. She doesn’t even realize she is. She’s at the top of the heap, standing tall in her primary station. She’s got some jealousy issues going on and the reality is that scathing remark was her passive aggressive attack on you.

You, of course, know this. You want to say something. In your heart of hearts you know if you don’t you will let it sit and soon that little bit of seething is full on resentment. You know this will happen. You even tell yourself you will confront Charlotte ASAP, maybe even before the next scheduled family meeting. You tell yourself this, but you don’t.

By the time the meeting rolls around, assuming you guys were able to schedule one, the incident is so far gone that you feel silly about bringing it up. Besides, you’re no longer sure you were reading the signals right, maybe you misread things.

That’s kind of convenient isn’t it? Charlotte gets her shot off. You take it. You let it go. You manage to talk yourself around talking about it. Fairly soon you’ve forgotten about the whole thing.

Until Charlotte lets of the next zinger. And you go through the same thing again.

Maybe by now you are tossing out your own zowies. Maybe she thinks you’re the bitch. Maybe there’s tension building up and you feel it but you can’t explain its origin.

Kind of confusing, huh?

You know, red lights get run every day. Every single day, several times a day, all across the country people are zipping through the intersection when they shouldn’t. Many of them will never be caught, never get into an accident, and might not even notice what they did. Sooner or later though, some one some where is going to slam hard into a situation they don’t want to deal with, be it a cop writing a ticket or your car plowed into someone else’s.

You gotta ask yourself how many red lights are you running? How many times have you gotten away with it?

Plenty and maybe too many.

I’m not accusing you or anyone of being vicious or vindictive. I’m just walking through the normal scheme of bad communication or rather in this case, lack of communication. Bottom line, tell Charlotte she’s a god-damned bitch. Let her go through her explanations, her defenses, her apologies whatever the hell she’s going to toss out at you.

It may not be pleasant, but at least you’re communicating and…this is the best part, if she keeps doing it, you can tell yourself that you’ve brought it up before. You don’t have to feel like a pestering twat who blew something out of proportion because you have taken the time to show the family, bit by bit, the size of your issue.

Does that make any sense?

Think about it. Reword it if you need to. Maybe toss out the whole red light thing and just remind yourself not to bottle stuff up then get mad at yourself for not pushing to talk things out earlier.

I know it’s hard to be a secondary. Sometimes we are afraid of the primary. Maybe she’s still trying to wield her “power” over you. Maybe she’s still insecure in her station. Who knows, but you know you can only do so much to alleviate her or his fears. Sooner or later Charlotte is going to have to deal with things and though you should try and help her out by doing your best and communicating, it’s not your job. It’s hers and the other primary’s deal.

You, you need to take care of you, your issues, your feelings. Those are the only ones you can control. Those are the only ones that you are always aware of (mostly anyway). So, you start there. You start with you. You do your part. You make sure your piece of the puzzle fits. Let the primaries take care of their own shit.

And if that shit spills out on you, fucking tell them they need to step back. Poly isn’t just about them. It’s about all involved and if they really, really want it to work they gotta understand that there is, in the overall, no such thing as first and second and primary and secondary, not in successful poly.

Other than being markers for arrival or for living arrangements those terms are for beginners. They are training wheels in my opinion and if after a few years the primary’s are still clinging to them, then maybe there were a whole lot more red lights run than you thought.

Or maybe the primary just doesn’t fucking get it.

Either way, you need to talk it out, take it slow if you have to, but STOP and talk it out.

© 2008

Hello, Still Alive: A Turkey Day Short Message

2008-11-26T13:37:00.000-08:00

Hello there everyone!!! Yes, I haven't been writing as much as I used to. That would be me putting far too much on my plate, like a million other blogs and some serious dedication to writing a book.

But fear not, I'm going to write up something in the coming weeks. Hopefully it's something you can relate to or learn from. Hell, I might even learn something in the process as well.

I had to stop by though on this holiday eve, when families are getting together and some are being left behind. I think the collective holiday season can be hard on secondaries. It's a time when some are forced to reconsider the lifestyle. I just want to say it's natural, it's common and there is no need to tear yourself a part over it.

If you need to, take the time for a retrospective. What happened this year? What went well? What went bad? Is it all worth it?

Really, that's the question your asking yourself, right?

IS IT WORTH IT?

Only you can answer that. Only you know what needs weigh more than others.

And if in your heart of hearts you know you aren't going anywhere, then why bother with the depressive mode? Huh? Be happy with what you have. Look on the bright side, put on your rose tint glasses, smile in the sunlight and be happy in your choices. None of this needs to be hard or sorrowful and if it's not, we don't need to make it so.

And you know, for many tomorrow is just another day and every day is what you make it.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! See you soon. Love much because in the end that means more than anything!!!!!!!!!!!!

OSO to OSO

2008-10-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

What is your relationship with your lover’s lover?

I know that there are many, many different situations in Polyamory and though try as I might I can’t cover them all and really I don’t have experience in them all.

So let us focus on the idea that you are a Secondary of some kind, whether or not you buy into the label of “Second” or not. The bottom line, you aren’t the one who was in the relationship first.

We can look at the situation in any configuration you want, V, Z, triad, a string of lovers. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have a relationship with someone and that someone has a significant other, in my scenario, that significant other is the “Primary”.

Basically, I want to remove the lover and look at the other relationship. If you are in a V, you probably don’t have a romantic relationship with your lover’s primary. But you do have a relationship with him or her.

This relationship can be one of friendship or not. Hopefully, you’re at least cordial if not out and out friends. But the main question here is “What is the dynamic between the two of you?”

Are you friends? Are you tolerated? Barely tolerated? Do you hang out? Are you competitors? Are you practically strangers?

Not every V relationship needs to have the non-romantic partners be friends. Some people do well with a distant relationship with the primary. I’m not knocking that.

There are some that prefer a level of independence.

But I’m looking at this from the aspect of some integration. My ideal poly unit is a family, one that all parties are supportive emotionally and even financially. I guess it fits more along the lines of the “traditional” family.

Before you get bent out of shape, this post isn’t condemning any other lifestyle or configuration choice. Simply for the sake of simplicity, we are looking at a V configuration with the group goal of full integration into each other’s lives.

What I’m trying to get at is the type of relationship that you as a Secondary have with the Primary Partner is important to how you and your lover interact.

The Secondary to Primary relationship sets the tone of communication, compersion, and ease of interaction between you and the lover.. Why?

Because if your lover is constantly defending you or the primary against the other all of the relationships deteriorate. The lover cannot possibly feel like he or she isn’t betraying one or the other and this induces a friction and stress level where stability cannot grow.

So it’s important for everyone to get along. This doesn’t mean you have to be the best of friends. Though ideally, I think this would create the optimal environment for healthy polyamory.

It does mean the Secondary and the Primary have to define who they are to each other. The two must communicate outside of their romantic connection to the lover (In the V configuration.) and create a relationship.

What does this relationship have to be?

It doesn’t have to be anything other than a simple understanding of each others place in the lover’s life. Each must know their importance to the lover. Each must accept that each has a significant role in their lovers’ life.

But polyamory is never simple.

I want to assume perfection. perfect communication, perfect acceptance, perfect interaction, thus perfect polyamory.

We all know that no matter how hard we try for perfection, things get in the way. Usually the one thing that does is emotion.

This leads us back to the polyamory mainstay of communication. Communication is basic to all relationships and in polyamory such a necessity that the lack of honest communication can destroy everything you have worked for, the relationship, mutual happiness and so forth.

All of this is fine and dandy in theory. I think deep down we all know what we must do. The problem though isn’t knowing, it’s implementing.

Words mean nothing without action.

I guess my assignment for you, if I were giving them out and you were actually doing them, is to assess your relationship with others in your poly group. How are you interacting? How do those interactions affect your romantic relationships? Are their power struggles? Is compersion at a minimum? What’s setting off your insecurities or theirs?

And probably you should think about this…

Are you afraid of that person? Why? What’s going on that you fear to communicate?

Ah, you probably didn’t see that one coming. We don’t like to talk about the dark side of poly, but we all know there is one.

I think back and there was a time I was afraid to communicate. As the Secondary I thought I wasn’t really allowed and I also had a keenly aware that the Primary had the power to veto my existence in the family.

That’s a very, very scary place to be in. That fear shows lack of trust. Whether or not that lack is founded in reality or not doesn’t matter. It needs to be discussed. I wished I had because I think life back then would have been a little different.

So take it from me, talk, let it all out there. If the relationship explodes on you then fine. It’s better to be free of fear than live in it.

So who are you other significant others to each other? Think hard on it because you may be steering the course of your poly relationship down the wrong road simply by ignoring that question.

Joy and Satisfaction

2008-08-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

Satisfaction.

Are you really satisfied in your poly relationship? What are you getting out of it? What are you giving? Are you getting all of your basic needs met? Is that enough? Do you want more?

Yeah, these are ugly questions and I often bring them up. I do so because I really think a lot of poly people are fooling themselves into thinking polyamory is for them.

I was reading a blog the other day and the assumption in the entire post was that poly was meant to be painful. The posted made it clear that insecurity, longing, and having to close off a part of oneself was a part of the poly equation.

Why does she think this? Have I been missing something? Do I expect more from my poly relationships?

I know I don’t assume that there will be pain. I expect a little discomfort here and there depending on the structure of the relationship.

If you are a second to a closeted married couple, there will be some issues come holiday time and on “primary” family occasions. During these times the second will feel tossed to the side. I know when I was dealing with this I felt lost and alone. I questioned my ability to deal with it for the rest of my life. I wasn’t sure if I could. I knew though, that I needed to find some connection to the “primary” family so I get the kind of comfort I need in a relationship.

Sometimes being second for me sucked.

But you know I don’t think it has to. I don’t see why there is an assumption of prolonged or extreme pain in poly relationships. There are those that have a structure that allows emotional cohesion and a true sense of family. I have to wonder if a primary couple has to stay closeted if it is really good for the second.

I know this is touchy ground here. Married couples often stay closeted to protect children or the feelings of family. There are legitimate and sound reasons to keep the poly thing on the low down. This is fine, but I think the primary couple really needs to take a look at what that does to the second and more importantly what they can do to alleviate the stress a second may feel during these times.

So yeah in this scenario pain is expected, but I don’t think it should be allowed to fester and grow. Doing so will damage the interaction beyond repair and the primaries will build one of those psycho secondaries or lose one that can’t handle the pain caused by the primary couple’s fear of coming out or the necessity of staying hidden.

Or they may create a relationship that always seems to be at arms length. I’ve seen one secondary love from afar, never allowing them self to fully integrate into the family.

On one hand, this could be that secondary’s fear of commitment. On the other, it might be that the secondary protecting themselves from that emotional pain of having to be hidden; they maintain the barrier so it isn’t a shock when they have to create the distance.

I can easily see both things happening. I don’t know what this would do to the poly unit as a whole if the unit was structured under the “traditional family style”. I would think this secondary in this scenario would never truly feel like “family”.

But then there are those who would thrive in such conditions. Not all secondaries require full integration into a family.

But let’s forget about the “closeted primary couple”. Do we assume abnormal amounts of pain in poly relationships that are open?

I keep saying extreme or abnormal in terms of pain solely because most people going into a monogamous relationship do not assume that there will be any pain. Only the super negative or unfortunate in our world assume that their family’s lives will be hurtful to them.

Relationships are not supposed to be painful. They are supposed to make you happy, fulfill you and meet your needs.

Polyamory shouldn’t be any different.

Oh but wait. Does that mean if you have a moment of envy or jealousy towards someone in the group that you’re in a bad relationship?

No, I’m only talking about extremities and prolonged pain. My guy will hurt my feelings sometime somewhere over something silly and relatively unimportant. We don’t go through life unscathed and unscratched. You will get surface cuts here and there, but the poster who sent me on this tangent wasn’t talking about little boo boos, they were talking about all out continual discomfort.

They were talking about sleeping and listening to the primary laugh and chat away. She was talking about the loneliness of not being able to sleep with her man. She was angry about feeling left out, alone and not a part of them. The word “them” cut her deeply and she accepted this as part of the package to be with him.

I can’t accept this as healthy. I can understand the need, the drive and the desire to go through hell and high water for a mate, but for gods sake I don’t think it has to be a given.

And that’s really the point of this whole post.

Pain is not a requirement of polyamory. It’s not a given that the secondary or anyone involved for that matter has to suffer. The poly unit can work towards making every one as comfortable as possible. Yes, there will be compromise, but my Pollyanna mindset says that compersion and love should be a keen motivator in giving to the others in the poly family.

Sacrifice should be out of love, not pain.

Do you see the difference? I do. Do you understand that emotional stress is not the way of the world or of polyamory? Do you know that such things should only be temporary, never prolonged and if it is something’s wrong, someone needs help?

I think if you’re relationship is full of pain, it’s not for you. Maybe it’s not an issue of poly itself, but of the relationships. It doesn’t matter. If something hurts you stop it.

Period.

I don’t know. Am I wrong to think that polyamory can produce sound, happy relationships where every one involved has their needs met? I won’t define what those needs are. That’s an impossibility, but certainly 1x+2x can equal joy.

You can change the math, but the end result should be the same.

Joy and satisfaction.

© 2008

ONE

2008-07-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

I don’t think we always know the reality of our interactions. Some people stop listening to the other and soon assumptions are made. These assumptions can become fact to a person to such a degree that the assumption becomes the reality and a person forces another into the assumed reality, no matter what the other says, no matter what is the actual reality of the interaction.

We can simply say this is the breakdown of communication. But I think it’s more than that. I think this is the culmination of past pain, past interactions within the one relationship and the pattern of other separate relationships, romantic or not, feeding into what is being labeled as the reality of the current interaction.

Many relationships breakdown because of this. I do think though that the action is most often subconscious.

People haven’t mitigated their pain, haven’t confronted their issues so they bring them into the next relationship. They may have set those problems aside, long enough to find the happiness within the new relationship. Hormones, love, sex, new energy and the hope of something better and different make new relationships tasty, appealing, alluring, even addictive.

I recall being with my ex for the first time. I thought I loved her. I thought being with her would save me from the life I had. I believed I could run away from my problems through her and create something separate and beautiful at the same time.

And for a while I did. For a while things were good. I was exploring my sexuality, creating a new existence and a whole new reality. My twenty three year old self was finding her way, shedding childhood ways, moving out and becoming what I thought was a grown up.

Unfortunately I ran without looking back or looking forward. I didn’t bother to leave certain things behind. They trailed along with me, clattering like newlywed cans, but I didn’t hear the din over my expectations. I ran and ran and smacked right into a wall.

That hurt, a lot.

I spent the next few years fixing me though. I started paying attention to my actual reality, not the layered ones that made me think every thing was all right. I paid full attention and worked on many aspects of myself and I can say with surety that I have truly grown and I have truly conquered some of my past.

I can also say with complete surety that I have a long way to go.

I don’t plan to stop growing. I don’t plan to stop becoming me because there is so much to learn. There are so many lessons I have to retrace. There are even some things that I have to unlearn. But I think the best thing I have done is the releasing of accountability from others, even my ex.

You know I think my ex is a total bitch. I think she has a lot of issues. I think she will work them out on her own time, in her own way. I know that she couldn’t with me because I wasn’t the right catalyst and vice versa. The both of us were painting assumptions on everything, not allowing the other to grow and make their way to becoming what we should have been so many years ago.

We were obstacles to each other. We were not right for each other and quite frankly I’m tired of blaming her for the woes during that part of my life because I’m responsible for me, always. And I was involved in my own pain, my own lack of growth. I was and am an accessory to who I am. I always have been and anyone who thinks they are not responsible for their own lives are idiots. They are fooling themselves. They are children living in bigger bodies.

Yes, things can happen to us. If I am shot dead I’m not responsible for that unless it was my hand that pulled the trigger. But our daily interactions are driven by us. We react and interact by our own choice, by the power of our own wills. If we choose to give in, it’s still a choice we made. We choose to live the way we do each and every day.

No lie.

And no blaming others. You are responsible for you. You are the maker of your own path. In the average life no one is a martyr, no one deserves less or more, no one is good or bad, no one is better or worse.

Relationships are really puzzle pieces that don’t fit or do fit. You can force it all you want, but it’s nobody’s fault if it doesn’t work. People might say “We’ve grown apart.” That may be true to a point, but you know pieces that are meant to be together grow together.

And there is nothing wrong with not fitting. There doesn’t have to be a bad guy or any blame.

Wow, I’ve only been talking about one on one relationships here. You can apply this to poly, though. You still have individual relationships within the whole. You still need to treat each one as though they were precious as a single relationship would be.

We are not excused from any of these ideas because we are poly. If anything, we have to hold truer to them because what we face in poly relationships is far more complex; the sheer numbers dictate it.

And no matter what, any kind of relationship starts with you. You should be your first project. You should be working on you. If you can get you balanced or at least some semblance of it then step by step, point by point, everything else will work out. Because you are the one, no matter how many.

Why Not?

2008-07-08T11:59:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who is trying for force herself to be poly. Her man, okay “Master” her “Owner” has told her it is a requirement of her submission. She really, really likes the guy and from what she says everything else about their relationship is perfect.
She asked me how I handle jealousy and knowing that my man is fucking someone else. I answered “Just like everyone else.”
I’m not sure that’s true though because yes poly folk get upset, angry, jealous, insecure, envious and everything that’s normal, but we don’t handle it the same. We handle it with the idea that the upset the angry, the jealousy and so forth is going to have a resolution. We are going to talk about it, hammer it out, get over it, find a way to deal with it.
Monogamist don’t. Well not on a day to day basis. I know my sister’s first husband cheated on her and she forgave him. It ruined their foundation of trust, but she dealt with it, moved on and tried to save the marriage. Polyamorists don’t own the market on forgive and forget, but then we would probably never have cheated. We would most likely be open about additional relationships.

Like this guy is doing.

This guy is telling my friend that he is poly and wants to remain so. He’s telling her that though he has no one else at the moment that he will have someone else later. He’s being honest right? He’s telling her up front his requirements. He’s not surprising her months into the relationship and he’s not cheating on her.

But said friend is flipping out. Said friend says she can’t imagine him going off to have sex with someone else while she waits for him at home. She doesn’t like the idea of sharing him and thinks she can’t handle it.

So I told her not to if she doesn’t want to. I told her this might not be the relationship for her. But of course, she’s not listening. She wants to be with this man no matter what.

So what do you do when you see a train wreck about to happen?

I’ve seen a lot of those. I’ve seen a lot of people make bad decisions. I’ve seen couples lie to each other (and themselves), pretend they were more in love than they were, and betray each other without the other having known it.

And I’ve stayed quiet.

When I was younger I would have said something. I did. I lost that friend because she worked it out with her boyfriend and now I was the bad guy for having said anything and maybe she was a little ashamed for having gone back to the one who hurt her. I’m not sure.
I just know that when it comes to relationships you don’t give advice unless it’s asked for and even when I do, I give it in such a way that allows the person to make the choice.

Man apply that to your poly relationship. Apply that to person one coming to you about person two. You both do person two. You can’t tell person one what to do and you can’t tell person two what person one just said.

Talk about a rock and hard place.

But again, you have to be quiet. You can’t pass on the information because now you look like you might be trying to break them up. That pits them against you when all you’re doing is trying to help.

But you’re not because when it comes to relationships people do what they want. They don’t listen to reason. People may come to you with the idea that they want logic, but more often than not people follow their hearts and fuck what logic dictates.

If you find yourself in the middle of such a thing, try to be a good listener, if you can handle hearing it. Encourage them to do what they feel is right. Tell them you’ll support them. And really that’s all you can do, if you can do it at all.

Me? I would stay away from being the confidant of your lover’s lover. It may seem like a good idea at first. You may feel obligated. You may even think it’s harmless, but you know I don’t think it really is.

I think you choose sides even when you don’t want to. I think it forces you to withhold pertinent knowledge from your lover and your friend. I think it’s actually a selfish act to put someone in the position where their loyalties can be divided.

You know it may be hard to put your foot down, but you should because you don’t need to be in the middle of what is essentially their fight, their relationship and their issues.
Dragging you into their problems will force you to choose one over the other no matter what. And you lose on either side you land on. You betray one or the other and now their fight becomes your fight.

Or worse you become the mediator.

A secondary caught in the middle of the Primaries fight sucks, it sucks ASS. It’s beyond draining and it’s not fucking fair for anyone in the poly unit to do that to someone else, no matter what the combination of secondary to primary is.

You know I’m not talking about John leaving the butter out and Sarah coming to you because she’s pissed about it. That’s going to happen. I’m talking about the big things, the kind of things that create more than turbulence in a relationship, the kinds of things that can end relationships.

I don’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want anyone to say I had a hand in it directly or indirectly and I don’t want to end up losing respect for people I love in the process. It can happen you know, the loss of respect, the loss of love.
If you can manage being the shoulder to cry on then more power to you, but don’t feel obligated and don’t think you might not get hurt in the process. And don’t think being quiet is easier than saying “Stop, I can’t hear this.”

You know I’ve said I’ve seen a lot of train wrecks about to happen. I’ve seen a lot of relationship collide and destroy themselves. I’ve been hurt in them and I’ve hurt others, but if you see it coming, if you can get out of the way, then why not? Why not get the fuck out of the way and avoid a little head-on pain? Why I wonder, when logic dictates?

Jealousy, Envy, Compersion, A Mish Mash of Thought.

2008-04-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

Jealousy, envy and compersion…

It is generally agreed that jealousy happens, much like shit hitting the fan. There are times you can see it coming and maybe you can get out of the way. Sometimes, sometimes is flies out of no where.
I think a long time ago I felt a lot of what I thought of as jealousy. I see now that it was envy that I was feeling most of the time. I’m no saint, I’ve been jealous before.

But I learned though that there is a huge difference between jealousy and envy.

Jealousy is something that has the potential to destroy. It’s when someone wants what someone else has. They covet that possession to a degree that emotionally sets it apart from envy. Perhaps they will stop at nothing to have it or they will create problems for the one in possession.
Envy is a little different. It’s wanting what someone else has, but not feeling it to the degree that they’d act upon it. They want something like it, but not the exact thing that another person has. It can burn just like jealousy, but it doesn’t eat away at the person. It just sits and eventually cools.

Well, such things are easy to understand when say, you like your friends girlfriend. You can see the obvious boundary. He doesn’t share. She’s not yours, etc.

In poly though, um, you are sharing. You have access to your friend’s girlfriend. That girlfriend is your girlfriend, too.

In the latter case, jealousy and envy can seem closely knitted together. I would say though that the gut of both still hasn’t changed. Jealousy can move one to destroy a relationship. Envy is just wanting what someone else has without the emotional pressure to do something about it other than to look for your own piece of that universal joy.

But you know how does that work when two people have the same piece of pie? Can you have the same relationship with someone that someone else has with that same someone? Hmmm, that’s a little confusing. ( At least to me and I’m writing this shit.) So let me create some peoples.

Blam!!!!!!

Albert, Becky and Carl are a threesome. Albert and Becky met first; they are married. Carl comes along and joins the family. ( For reals, not that fake “sure you’re apart of the family” that some people dole out.) They all live together.

Carl loves Becky a great deal. Sometimes he wishes he were the one married to her. He thinks it might be nice to have that with her, but he won’t push it because he walked into the relationship fully understanding that Becky leaving Albert was the ultimate limit to what the three could have. Yet, Carl still dreams of it...

I’d call that envy.

Now for jealousy. ( This should be fun!!!)

Albert likes Carl. Carl’s a bit younger, maybe a little more fit. Big Al’s not packing the muscle like Carl is. Maybe Albert thinks Carl is funnier, smarter, maybe Carl makes more money than Albert. Who knows? Jealousy is weird. It picks anything to freak over and sometimes it freaks over the silliest of things. Maybe Albert is intimated because Carl is blonde…
Anyway, Albert hates to leave Carl alone with Becky. He promises them time, but he always comes home early or has to break the date. He’s constantly manipulating the situation and using his power to get what he wants.
Becky is upset but she doesn’t know what to do. She just wants to have some quality time with Carl, that’s all. She loves Albert and she would never leave him. She’d like to love Carl the same way, but Albert won’t seem to let it.
Carl is at a loss. He cares for both Albert and Becky. He wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize their marriage, but then he wants to have some time with Becky. Albert is married to Becky, she sleeps in his bed every night, they have had 10 years together, what more does he want?

Albert has let his insecurities take over and he’s not playing nice. He’s tossing his weight around and holding Becky and Carl emotionally hostage. Neither Becky nor Carl want to upset Albert to the point he wants to back out on this, but they want to be happy, too.

Okay so this isn’t Danielle Steel material, but you know a lot of poly jealousy is like this. It’s very covert at times. In this scenario Albert is creating animosity and manipulating the situation. He is constantly forcing Becky to choose him over Carl. He is making both of them feel his “primary power”. In the end, this is going to build resentment. It’s going to harm the relationships, all of them, A to B, B to C, A to C.

And it’s going to prevent compersion.

Ah, compersion. That’s such a soft fluffy word.

If Albert and Carl hit it off, if the two of them give each other respect and space and the most precious of all things, time with their lovers they will build compersion. They will be happy to see the other happy with Becky. They won’t feel cheated of anything so they won’t mind seeing the other one cuddled up on the couch watching TV.

I mean, in the icky situation do you see Carl smiling happily while Albert cuddles up to Becky? He didn’t get his night with her. He hasn’t had any quality time. I doubt he will smile a wit that isn’t filled with “Albert you suck.”

Yeah, I made Albert the bad guy. This blog is for secondaries after all.. We can all go find a page written form the primary view that is full of fears of what Carl may do. I say fuck Albert he’s an ass. J

But you get what I’m touching on right?

Maybe not because I haven’t really made a point yet. Let’s see if I can sum it up.

Jealousy and envy are different.
Jealousy bad.
Envy good. ( Well, okay.)
If you allow jealousy to run you, you can destroy your relationships.
Actively acting on jealousy hampers compersion.
Compersion is the goal for happy poly.

If you don’t confront jealousy it will make things hard. Face it, communicate it, deal with it, move on.

Oh, if it were only that easy.

Oh shit!!! I forgot, Can you have the same relationship??? Can Albert have the same thing with Becky that Carl has and vice versa?

Hell no. Each combination has its own dynamic and personality. Each person brings their own experience, creativity, joy, and baggage to their relationships. I’ve got leopard print luggage. You have a mish mash of JC Penny discards. We carry our sets on the flight and we have our own unique parade of wheeled luggage. Albert has moss green luggage that looks like birds shit on it. Not the same, totally not the same.

And you should be proud of it, proud of what you can offer not upset about what you can’t.

Gosh, maybe I should think about outlines.

Blame

2008-04-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

Communication is the key to any successful polyamorous relationship. I think everybody knows that. We also know that there is a big difference between knowing and doing. But you know what we never really talk about?

How do you know if honest communication is really occurring?

I’m not trying to set off alarm bells and create a panic within stable relationships, but I wonder if the unstable ones who do have meetings and do think they are talking yet are still having problems actually think about the aspect that someone might be holding back?

And even if you know it, can you stop someone from keeping it all inside?

I don’t think you can really do anything about it when that person is hell bent on keeping things to themselves. The person may think they are being noble, going with the flow or that person may be afraid of confrontation. They may not have the energy to deal with the explosion their comments may cause.

Then again, people often create the illusion of confrontation based on their own fears or how they might react to those comments if directed at them. ( I think that’s called projection and some people do it without realizing it.)

I can say without a doubt that honest communication sometimes hurts. It’s hard to hear that you’re doing something that hurts another and it’s hard to confront the person who is hurting you. It’s hard because most of us are into blame.

You know, I expect people to take responsibility for their actions, but I don’t expect them to take blame every time their actions create a problem. Um, does that make any sense?

I suppose to me, blame is something you get when you intentionally held back needed information or caused a problem; you give it when something is intentionally done to you. I don’t think there should be blame in a case where actions or rather consequences of those actions were unintentional.

I don’t think many people make a distinction between the two and some people always assume their will be blame and because of that they stop being honest. When the honesty stops then bad stuff happens.

Assuming that there is going to be blame also creates a fear in communication.

An “accuser” and a “criminal” is created. Yeah, “criminal” is probably too harsh to the ear, but think of how one might feel in such a situation. If someone is assuming they are being accused they are offended and may react as though the “accuser” is well, accusing them.
In any case the situation creates animosity and sometimes the person in the wrong will blow up at the “accuser” rather than accept responsibility for what they did. When this happens things don’t really get resolved and if it happens enough communication breaks down.
I know I’ve been guilty of holding things back just because I didn’t want to deal with the possible aftermath of my honesty. I’m sure there are many of us who have done the same.

So, now we have a problem, fear in communication. But what do we do about it?

Shoot, all I can really say is communicate honestly.

If you really want the relationships to work that is all you can do. If you don’t follow through on honest communication you are accepting the drama the lack of honest communication creates and in the long run you are basically saying you’re okay if the relationship ends.

Think about it.

If you are holding your feelings in on a regular basis sooner or later you’re going to snap. The desire to keep the relationship going will dissipate. Every thing will become too much to deal with. All the “little things” will become big things because you failed to communicate your needs; people can’t change if you don’t tell them they are hurting you.

Or maybe you wait until the resentment has built up and by the time you’re ready to communicate honestly the information isn’t delivered in a communicative matter. Maybe now it is all accusation. Maybe now we are laying blame and handing out bitter honesty that is hard to stomach.

And do you think that wrongful party wants to be treated like a criminal? I think people would rather be tapped on the shoulder than batted on the head. If one waits too long to express their issues that’s what it can feel like to the receiving party. And I think the wrongful party would have liked to been told much, much earlier? (Who do you blame for that? )

At this point if the “accuser” is super miffed the so called “criminal” is probably super miffed as well. Now things are too complicated because we have a two way street on of anger, resentment, and so forth. It’s hard to rummage through this pile to see who may have been wrong.
Umm, but do we really need to find the wrongful party at this point? If you want the relationship to move on do we really need to put people in roles of accusers and the blamed? Do we have to have a right and wrong? Can’t we just say I have been hurt by this and could you please stop doing it? Don’t we still have a chance to communicate things and try to work things out?

We do, but this only works if the desire is there. There has to be a common goal. Sometimes that hidden common goal is the end of the relationship. Sometimes people set that reality aside. Who knows why really, fear of ending the relationship? A small hope that things might get better? Perhaps there is guilt in wanting to leave someone you’ve loved?
Who knows, who knows, who knows…

It’s almost funny how people love to blame, but don’t want to be blamed. We want to point, but not be pointed at. Why?

It’s a circle really. It’s all about how we interact, how we sometimes want to avoid certain issues because they are too hard.

I don’t wanna!!!!!

Can you hear the whine in that?

Fear leads to so much. Blame is highly destructive. Lack of communication silently wreaks havoc.

We can stop this particular cycle if we want to. If we don’t, we really only have ourselves to blame.

Which Really Scares You?

2008-02-27T09:10:00.000-08:00

Do we have to have sex to make a relationship a romantic one? Which would be worse, having a lover desire time with someone else because they wanted to fuck that person or because they found the other person more of a friend?

This really depends on your view of poly.

I have some friends who swing. They are very, very into separation of sex and “friendship”. Now, they are friends with the people they sleep with in so much they like them, are attracted to them and want to have sex with them. However, they do not meet in each others homes or anywhere that the primary couples frequent. They have a hard line of what can and cannot be done.
To my friends, if one of them wanted to start hanging out with their swing partners outside of the swing context they would be devastated and feel ultimately betrayed.
Me, I think it’s okay to have friendship. I can’t imagine not letting a lover not have really, really good friends that they can count on. Add sex to that friendship and things change. Now I am seeing a romantic relationship. But really, I can’t see having sex with someone on a regular basis without a strong friendship.

I can see my friend’s point of view easily because for both of us friendship, hanging out and wanting to be with someone is the start of love. This doesn’t mean romantic love, but love nonetheless.
For my Swinger friends though, who can have sex so incredibly casually there need not be romantic love in the equation for a relationship to become more than just swinging and more specifically a threat. So they really, really need to draw hard lines.
My lines are not so hard. I think my poly world comes down to trust. This is not to say that my swinger friends lack trust in each other, but….there has to be some issue there right? I mean they are setting up a lot of rules to prevent any of their sexual relationships going beyond fuck buddies. Is it a self-esteem issue?

Hmmmmm…..

There is a lot here isn’t there? Trust. Self-esteem. Strength of relationship.

All of these are tied up in both my poly family views and my swinger friends lifestyle. We both need all three to make it work. But our goals are different and somehow I can’t help but think because the goals are different that each of us have different levels of those three key ingredients of success in multiple partners.

Oh, but now we are getting on touchy ground.

Creating a poly family needs far more trust, self-esteem and strength of relationship to sustain a long term poly unit. (Assuming of course that all involved even want to be together.)
My swinger friends would protest and say they have all these things and I am presenting my poly view as the stronger.
I am not saying one is better than another. Nor am I saying that one way means the people involved are better because we are not talking about people, we are talking about goals.

The reality is this.

If I want to fuck you, but I don’t want you involved in my family and my every day life we don’t have to have a strong relationship. We only need to set down rules, a contract ,if you will, and follow them because you are never going to walk through my door, see my kids or sit down to Sunday dinner with me, my Mom and Dad.

If I want you to be a part of all of that though I have to really, really consider you. I have to make sure not only do you fit into my life and my lifestyle, but that I am okay with you being here and essentially taking up the resources of time that I have set for other members of my family be they lovers or not. (Or that others have set for me.)

Do we really know the difference though?

My swinger friends know exactly what they are getting into. They have a pre-built barrier between their sexual partners and their home and family.
We who want to build poly families do not have those barriers and we are letting people into our lives in the most intimate way, not just to fuck, but to be family. But I wonder if we truly understand the enormity of such things?

I see numerous “secondaries” complain about their standing in their poly family. They feel outcast, alone, not part of the whole. I wonder if the primaries are really considering allowing that secondary into the fold or if they think that keeping certain boundaries will be okay.

Boundaries can prevent close bonds. Certain boundaries create a “mine, mine, mine” attitude and instead of merely keeping someone safe, they exclude and cause trouble

So, we should ask ourselves the questions I started all of this with.

Do we have to have sex to make a relationship a romantic one? Which would be worse, having a lover desire time with someone else because they wanted to fuck that person or because they found the other person more of a friend?

There is more to poly that these questions. But maybe if you, as a second or primary, can answer these you can really, truly understand what kind of multiple relationships you are looking for. What makes you more insecure? Intimate friendships? Sexual encounters? Or a mixture of both?
If you look at those aspects of poly and find the answers then maybe you can figure out what’s been missing in your relationships or what you have been doing wrong.

Poly families die for many, many reasons and not knowing what you are truly afraid of is one of them.

It's Been Awhile: Ramblings: Legally

2008-01-28T14:02:00.000-08:00

It’s been a long while since I have written here. I have thought up some topics, wrote them up, but haven’t finished them. I have spoken to you about big changes coming up and that’s really what I want to talk about, but I can’t. Some of the people involved are not ready for that. One thing about poly is that you always have to be thinking of how what you do effects those around you.

Sometimes I find that tiring. Sometimes I just want to do things the way I want and not have to worry about anyone else around me. Especially when I don’t agree with the whys and why nots. But many decisions are made on as a consensus within the group and one can’t win all of the time. If someone did, I'd think something was up. Maybe someone is not playing fair? Or maybe there is too much sacrifice on the other side?

Too much sacrifice…

That is a concept that bears looking at.

As a secondary, I feel like I give up a lot. One, I am sacrificing the a stable, long-term, legally recognized relationship. Not all of us want that, but by being the non-married person in a relationship we are giving up that potential.

We are also giving up a lot of other things in the legal protection realm.

I was recently in the hospital and was lucky that John was not barred from seeing me. Once I stated that he was my boyfriend the Doctors and nurses treated him as “my husband”. He wasn’t barred from me in any way.

I hadn’t thought about it at the time, but afterward I was really grateful for it. I know that they didn’t have to do it, let him in because in the past when I was doing the lesbian thing, I was initially barred from my girlfriend’s room in the ICU. It took a compassionate nurse who overheard the conversation to push the issue and let me in. I only had trouble that one day, but the thought of not being allowed to see a sick and possibly dying loved one is a huge thing and one that many married couples never think of. They take for granted that they are going to be let into the room.

There are tons of other legal matters, but really that one hits home because I expect not to get social security benefits and so forth if John passes away, but god to not be allowed to see him in the hospital?

The nurses in the hospital had no idea that we were a poly couple this time around. I wonder if that would have made a difference? I wonder if I told them that this is my married boyfriend if they would’ve have barred him from me? It’s hard to say really because though some people may be against polyamory are they also against keeping someone in pain from their emotional support? There is a point where compassion and humanity overcomes prejudice.
‘
I admit though that I would have never said “This is my married boyfriend.” I would never have eluded to it mainly because it is none of their business and also because the last thing I need is to be judged while I am ill enough to be hospitalized. That is one easy thing about being in a perceived normal relationship. The whole gay thing cannot be hidden in that situation and I would just have to deal with it.

All in all though, I was happy with the support I got from every one from loved ones to complete strangers. I am very lucky to have the people I do in my life and to come across some rather new amazing people.

But I am still thinking on all of the other stuff. The big changes, what I want out of life and what I will do the new situations handed me. I think I will do fine because the world is good place to be in and while shit happens, over all life is good.

Poly is Boring.

2007-11-19T12:02:00.000-08:00

I’ve been struggling to write on the topic of polyamory these last few months. There has been a shift in my thoughts and I want to look at other aspects of my life. I have a lot of things happening in my life that are going to change my life.
So here I am, trying to address what is going on in my poly world and finding that I just want to be me.

Does that make any sense to you?

I am poly. You are poly. We are all poly. Well, maybe not all of you who read this are poly, but I am thinking that most of you are. In any case, don’t you get tired of identifying as such? Don’t you want the toils and troubles to fade into the background every so often? It’s not like the Monogamous go around thinking about their socio-political standing in the world.

Oh wait, they are socially acceptable. They don’t have to worry about where they stand. The ground they walk on is firm and well tread.

Polyamorists on the other hand live their lives treading new ground, learning new things, adjusting to the internal socio-political climates of their relationships, trying to make sure their next step is steady and firm.

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez, being poly is hard.

At least harder than monogamy.

But then maybe it is only harder because we make it so?

I did this post about math once and stated that the more complex and involved an equation the longer it takes to get the answer and tada!!!!!! Polyamory is a complex equation and though it may take more brain power to get an answer, the answer is still there.
But does poly really have to be so hard? Do we really have to place a lot of attention on it to work? Don’t we ever get to the point that our poly relationships are just routine?

I think we do. I think poly relationships are just like any other. You find someone, learn someone, integrate into each others lives, face issues, face change, compromise, and establish.

Establish. Established.

Hmmm….that sounds kind of nice and very attainable.

Yes folks POLY CAN BE BORING!!!!!!!!!

I think it is a personal goal of mine to make my poly relationships as boring as possible. Oh gods send me routine! Shove the mundane right under my nose. Bury me in the minutia of every day life!!!!!!!!!!

I want to worry about “ Infusing my sex life with energy.” “Bringing the new back into your marriage” and all of that crap that Cosmo has on it’s cover.

Um, no I don’t.

My sex fine is alive and well. (Whips and chains do wonders.)

Okay maybe we don’t really want to be boring and maybe being mundane is not entirely alluring. But it’s okay to be okay. It’s okay to build a relationship and have it flow smoothly. It’s okay to not worry about being poly all of the time.

You know I don’t have to think about “being poly” everyday. I like that there is, at this time, not a whole lot of hoopla filling my mind with “Oh, no’s!” and “What to do’s!”

So, I am gonna go run off and think about the other pieces that make up me and be happy that I am in the place to do so.

Oblivious

2007-11-05T14:26:00.000-08:00

I don’t expect the world to be totally into my business, but if I were to show up at every one of your family events and sat real close to your sister’s husband and your sister’s children treated me like something akin to a second mother, not quite but you know what I mean, would you wonder on it? Wouldn’t a part of your thoughts, when they bothered to settle on me, try and figure out how I fit in the big picture?

I thought Kate's brother knew about the poly thing. I thought for sure her sister blabbed everything to him and he just chose to ignore it. But Kate “outed” us this weekend. Mr. Brother asked where John was and Kate said, “Oh he’s in Sacramento with his girlfriend.”

I wish I could have seen the double take.

They didn’t go in depth on the matter and really it is none of his business what goes in his sister’s personal life, but I would think he could have come up with something better than “If it works for you.”

I get that it is an awkward moment and if one is thoroughly shocked by the news it may be hard to come up with a brilliant line. I suppose though if he said “I am happy for you.” I would’ve found something to harp on about that as well.

And really this isn’t a bitch about Mr. Brother post. It is about the people who seem to ignore the obvious either out of sheer disbelief that it would happen, a total lack of consideration or just not really wanting to acknowledge what they already know.

We do this often within our poly relationships, ignore the obvious intentionally or just from being caught up in our own shit to bother worrying about the others in our relationship. I have found that this bad habit is where many nuisances come from.

I also wonder what is worse, ignoring something intentionally or being oblivious?

I suppose it depends on what type of oblivion we are talking about.

I have a co-worker who seems to only think of herself. She doesn’t comprehend the world outside of how it affects her. The other day, for instance, we had a buffet. She participated and all was a joy. Normally, there are leftovers and these are munched on until the end of the day. Well, this co-worker started throwing some of the things out. When asked why she was doing that, she said “Because I don’t need to eat junk all day.”

That may be true, but since when does she make this determination for anyone else? And why the hell is she throwing stuff away that doesn’t belong to her?

Oblivious, totally oblivious.

Would it be worse if she was throwing the stuff out to be a mean bitch?

Yeah, I think so, but the former strikes me harder. It provides me a sense of wonderment at the pure arrogance. The latter example, the bitch, is easier to digest. I know she is a bitch and I can deal with that on bitchy terms. How do you deal with someone who just doesn’t pay attention?

I think the same goes within our relationships. If someone in it is being a bitch it is much easier to confront. You know where they stand and where you stand, the other person cant say “I didn’t realize.” You know they realized it and you can call them on it.

When someone is oblivious to the pain they are causing, it is harder to deal with. The person may actually not realize what is happening. Maybe they are intentionally ignoring themselves as the cause. Either way, the action is not exactly deliberate.

Say I run up and chop your toe off. That is fucked up. That is criminal.

Say I am walking around with a giant axe. I let go of it because I don’t want to hold it anymore. It falls right on your foot, slicing your toe away. Yeah, you’re still pissed. Yeah, your toe is still lopped off, but you know in your heart of hearts it wasn’t intentional. How do you deal with that? Pat me on the head and let me walk away?

Maybe what you really do is shout at me or maybe your hold it back and let it build and build. You want to scream at me, but what are you going to do. I am a dumbass, not a psycho right?

Okay, so maybe if your toe gets lopped off you are going to scream at me. But what if I just didn’t think about asking you to join us at the movies? What if I made plans for the entire family and just didn’t bother to tell anyone? What if I just didn’t bother to think about you? Or didn’t think to ask how you felt about it, whatever it may be?

You know you have to tell me. You have to let me know or else I can’t change it right? That would be the sensible thing to do. That would be what every poly community in the world would tell you to do.

The reality though is we often know what we should do but we don’t know how to go about it. We start wondering if talking about something is worth the trouble? Does it really matter in the long run? Can talking actually change anything?

You know none of those questions can be answered until we decide to communicate.

Yes, this was just another suck it up and talk to your god-damned partners post.

I know it’s hard, but if you are silent you pretty much have to accept things as they are.

Can “oblivion” be passive aggressive? Oh my, that is another matter and another post.

Power

2007-09-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

Do you ever grow out of poly?

You would think that perhaps a secondary might wake up one day and say “I'm outta here. I can’t do this anymore. I want to have my own relationship. I want to be the primary.” We kind of expect that don’t we? Do we expect that to happen with the primaries?

I remember thinking “They are going to tire of this and what me out of here some day.” But you know I never once thought about me wanting out. I always thought of the relationship as me trying to fit into them. The primaries had all the power to grant or deny this or that.

I gave a lot of power. In giving that much power I created a lot of insecurity.

Do you as the secondary have any power? And what do I mean by power anyway?

Power to call the shots? Power to say no? Power to have your needs met over the primaries?

What the hell is power?

In one instance power is influence, effectiveness or capability. In another it is force, energy, strength, or even intensity. In quite another instance it is authority, clout, command, control, superiority, right, law. Dare I say domination?

Is power something only primaries should have? Is power a game? Is power something that should be equally endowed to everyone? Shouldn’t everyone in your poly relationship have the faculty, the capability and the ability to have a little bit of power?

If everyone was in a kinky, BDSM, poly relationship I would say there is a clear structure for power. It would be easily handed up or even down. Everyone would know where they stood, what their places were in the dynamic of the relationship.

However, most poly relationships are not engaged in D/s or any other such BDSM type kink. The power struggle is open game and perhaps it is a battle field.

I think the most successful relationships are those that are equal in power or have a clear understanding of who is the dominant party.

Many poly relationships start out with the primary couple holding all the cards. They are the privileged granting this and that as they seek security in their added partner. This is all well and good, but the primaries cannot stand on insecurity during the whole relationship. I think some will try and if they are lucky the secondary happily gives it. If that “power” though is not happily given there is going to be trouble down the road.

Poly relationships cannot be dictatorships, at least not your standard vanilla poly. If the secondary is treated like a second class citizen forever there is going to be a revolt. And if there is any love or caring for that second, the primaries better whip their security into shape.

I know from experience that giving too much power creates a walking on egg shells kind of mentality. That gets tiring and it builds resentment. I let them have it all and in the mean time my insecurities were never quite quelled. It took a lot of time to transition from this to obtaining some sense of equality.

I think this equality was the little of the “more” I had a hard time understanding or expressing. I called it commitment. I called it a cry for some symbolic gesture. What is was, was a call for equality and the need to stop feeling like I had to do all of the giving.

Did I do all of the giving? No, but I sometimes felt like it. I sometimes felt like I was the one who was always making sure that everyone else was happy with me. I felt like I was doing a lot of sacrificing of my own needs to make sure that the whole was working. I felt like I was doing tons and tons of work trying to create this idea of “more”.

The secondary struggles to fit in. Then she struggles to become cohesive. Then she struggles to feel like an equal part of the family. All the while she is doing this she is up against the insecurity of the primary relationship. This internal, shadowed struggle of the group creates tension.

I didn’t see things as such in the past. I am having a moment of clarity, a moment of finally defining all of my conflicting feelings of love and anger. I am finally understanding that I was trying so hard to make everyone else happy that I lost a little of mine own happiness. I placed myself second.

I am not blaming anyone. It’s not like we have a brochure on how to be poly. We live it and we learn it. We can only hope to make it better when we see what is wrong with it and to rejoice when we see what is right in it.

I am saying to all of the secondaries out there who feel a little bit of struggle to look at the power issue. Are you getting your fair share? Have you agreed to give it all up and are still okay with it?

You can do something about it. You can communicate your needs and hopefully the group can come to a mutual agreement, a mutual goal to attain. Goals don’t always happen over night. It may take time. If in time though, you see no changes, remember one thing, there is a universal, equalizing power.

Anyone can stay or go.

Such power though should not be abused. Otherwise it loses its thunderous weight and is as forceful as a feather.

Poly Style

2007-09-07T12:22:00.000-07:00

What is your poly style? Sounds like a meme doesn’t it? Hmmmm, maybe I should make one.
The thought comes up because I was looking over someone’s journal and they stated that their they are very, very open about their polyamory. They often go from one partner to another and though they may develop serious connections to these people, no one, absolutely no one is in a primary position. This person lives alone and basically “dates” all of her lovers.
I couldn’t do that. I don’t think she is wrong for living this way. Everyone is in the know. She is not cheating on anyone, but still that form of polyamory isn’t for me.
I have to have someone to focus on even if that means more than one. I need to feel special to my OSO’s and quite frankly if I were one of too many I don’t think I could do that.
But then it may be that my idea of what commitment is is different. The person I speak of is committed to her lovers. She is committed to sharing time with them and supporting them when they need it. But the lifestyle is more of a bachelor lifestyle isn’t it?
She lives alone. She doesn’t have any shared responsibilities with anyone. She is from the outside view a bachelorette is she not?

I know that we who live poly are always redefining what family is and how it is expressed.

We can look at the monogamy model. You know, a couple that lives together. Maybe they have kids, maybe not. But they get married and combine finances, families and so forth. In doing, so they create a new family as they add on to the existing ones. It is much like building an add-on to an old house.
It has always been my vision that poly can do the same, just with more people. I have a somewhat monogamist poly in that I do not want to have multiple partners for the sake of multiplicity. I do not want to go from girl to girl or guy to guy because for me I would not get enough out of it. If it is all about the fuck, I’ve got the fuck why do I need to get it from multiple sources?
So my poly style is one of few. I see my poly family as limited to a handful of people where we can develop serious long lasting relationships. I do not want a fly by night lover. I want someone I can count on. Someone I can go to when I need them and someone who looks to me for support. I want to be a family in the most intimate way and my friend’s style cannot obtain that for me. Her style is too transient.

So then is my way the golden way? Is my way the best way to be poly?

There is not one way. There is no universal right when it comes to human connections. People do as they do because it is what they need or want at the time. If my friends lifestyle works for her, makes her happy, and she is honest with herself and her partners who am I to say that she is wrong?
Besides we evolve. She may find it not worth it in a few years and in a few years I may want to live her lifestyle.
But I do think some of us get caught up in the wrong poly style and sometimes it is the way we do it that crumbles relationships. I know my way would stifle my friend. She would feel cut off from love just as I would if the tables were turned.

Hets vs Homos!!!!! (Not really)

2007-08-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

I find it rather strange that I am feeling my bisexuality come out. It’s expression is not the same as the either/ or types of sexual identity. Living as a lesbian was just that. I lived in the queer world, had queer friends and did all of the queer things that queer people do.
Life as a heterosexual has been different than I though it would be. I suppose this is because I do not have a traditional relationship. My life in the het set has been knocked on its ass because of polyamory.

Why do I bring this up?

I read a blog in which a lesbian complained about heterosexuals “claiming to have a life as hard as hers.” She stated being poly is “not the same”. “They don’t have the same issues. They don’t have a right to claim my pain.”

I agree with her to a point. I can walk down the road with John and just be a couple. I can go out with Kate and John and no one is quite sure about what is going on. If Sluggo joins us, it can be a fun game, a little shock and confusion to those who might be paying attention.

As a lesbian I couldn’t do that. I was pegged gay all of the time. Whenever I was out with my girlfriend we had to deal with any prejudice we might encounter.

However….

I had to come out in both instances. I had to fight prejudice in both instances. I had to choose between being closeted or open in both instances.

And once I made the choice to come out at work and home that was that. At work they just dealt with it, accepted it. My family and friends did the same but it took a little longer.

Am I talking about coming out as gay or poly though?

And once I made the choice to come out at work and home that was that. At work they just dealt with it, accepted it. My family did the same but it took a little longer.

I am talking about coming out as gay.

I have found that it is much easier to come out as gay than it is to come out as poly.
I am not completely out at work as I was when I lived as a lesbian. There are three people that know about my poly life at work and it took a long, long time for me to discover if I could bring it up. My Mom and sister know about me being poly, but not too many other family members. When I was living as a lesbian, everyone knew. My dad, my bosses, my co-workers, my everybody who came into contact with me knew.

Right now I live half out, half in.
Kate's parents know. Wayne’s parents don’t. My Dad doesn’t know. The three-workers I mentioned and the friends I see on a regular basis know.

And when I do tell people about being poly the reaction is more profound than it was in terms of coming out as gay.
It affects them more because being gay was not intruding on anybody’s territory. If they are not gay, then no worries; my spouse isn’t going anywhere. And people are more educated about homosexuality. They understand it more and are getting used to it as part of the culture.

Being poly treads differently. To some it stomps in the room and creates tension in the sanctity of devotion. The monogamist is afraid. They ask themselves “What if my partner….”
Plus, monogamy is not gay or straight. There is no unspoken division between “Us and them.” Poly crosses those lines and thus crosses the comfort level of many in a different way.

And when people deal with a gay couple they treat them as a couple. People understand that. It is harder for many to handle a husband kissing their girlfriend in front of their wife. Jealousy is projected onto that scene. People take it personally even when it is not their husband or wife.

But folks will get used to that, just like they get used to everything their loved ones do. I have found however that it takes longer and even to this day, people would rather that I not. They don’t see me as getting the appropriate care. Not having a lover solely devoted to me is harder to understand than homosexuality. Sharing is harder to understand that me licking pussy. Go figure.

I am not saying homosexuality is easier than being poly or vice versa. I am saying there is a social commonality between the two as much as there may be differences.
This girl who is screaming “it is not the same, it is not the same!” shouldn’t be looking at the differences. She should be looking at the common ground both sides share and looking at learning how each integrates acceptance into their lives and using the tools to garner more acceptance for herself. She should be as open to them as she wants others to be open to her.

And quite bluntly, she should say what she really means. “I hate that you can pass and I cannot.” That right there is the crux of her anger. I understand that. I have walked both sides and things can be easier if you can pass for mainstream. But mainstream is only outside the front door. Inside, we share a lot of crap.

Dare

2007-07-26T22:12:00.001-07:00

Dare to dream.

There is an unspoken law in polyamory. That law states that you dare not imagine life without…

the spouse, the lover, the one(s) that make the poly unit poly.

I think it is okay to dream of what if’s. Thinking is not a sin; if it were we’d all be hell bound for many a thing.

Dreaming if overdone and overwhelming can be detrimental to the poly unit, depending.

Depending?

If one acts without integrity and seeks to destroy the poly unit in order to be the one and only, then yes, dreaming is detrimental as we usually see detrimental.

But if one dreams and realizes that poly is not for them, or just the particular relationship is not for them, then the harm done to the family is more like letting a wound seep and heal. It is the kind of detriment that in the end it good for all.

Not a pretty picture, but then breakups never are, even when all are agreed and happy to go.

But what if you have these thoughts and you really don’t want to end the whole thing?

So what? Really, so what?

I know there was a time that I would never let myself pretend, never let a single thought stray to the idea of being with Wayne alone. I thought I was betraying Margo and the ideal of our family.

What I was doing was weighing my life set against a possibility. Not a possibility of living alone with Wayne exactly, but being a monogamist.

That is a healthy thing to do.

If thinking of monogamy causes you too much pain, then maybe something is wrong. Maybe you need to think about what you are doing in a poly relationship if it cannot stand up to a thought of another way.

Too many of us will choose not to face the dreaming. We fear what we may find. We fear change, we fear losing someone we love.

You know the greater fear should be living a life of unhappiness.

I say dare to dream because dreaming will take you to the right places.

Or let you know that you are fine where you are.

Poking Me

2007-07-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

Something kept poking me. All morning long I looked over the shawl. Right at my elbow, poke, poke, but nothing!! I went on with work trying to ignore the little needle like poke of …images of straw, upset plant life and warring insects popped into my head. I had no idea what it could be.

Then I noticed my shirt was rolled slightly. Ah, the culprit. On the inside of my tank top there is a tag, on the side. Silly really since it is supposed to be a tagless tank. The size and care instructions are printed on the back near the nape. But there is was, a shiny, silky tag with rough edges.

I cut the tag off. And ran my finger along it. Something about the shine, the color and the texture sparked a memory. The memory was elusive though. I could only pin point my childhood, I was young, about ten. Was I thinking of the silk top I once had, the parachute pants that I longed for, the outfit of my blinking Western Barbie? I didn’t know. I just know that the smooth shine of the fabric made me feel good about something whatever that something was.

What is the moral to this story?

Sometimes what is bothering us is not what we think. Sometimes the very cause of our trouble is a door to something else. In this case a fond, distant memory.

Can you find the good in something bad?

Sometimes it is just a matter of looking in the right place, the right way.

Societal norms can skew your poly vision.

Don’t let it.

Silent

2007-07-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

There are things afoot at the Circle K, things that cannot be named. These things have affected my view of all of this. These things will change the perspective of everything.

I am somewhat silent because of things.

Because of things…

Because of things…

I would like to thank Bill and Ted for the first sentence of this post. I will have to thank myself for the last one.

Sometimes

2007-06-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what time it was, maybe two in the morning. I know I woke up because of some weird almost awful dream. It was the kind that has a definite sense of tension building as my dream self plays out the unknown script and just before any thing truly bad happens the dream dies and becomes something else.

I woke with that tension in my body. The room was full of suspense and it took a moment for me to grasp that I was truly awake. I got up and used the bathroom. On my way back the door to John's room opened. I could hear it behind me though I was beyond sight.

I wasn’t sure if it was him or Kate that had come out, but I thought I needed a hug. I wanted a hug to get rid of the nervous tingle in my body. I wanted to go to bed feeling safe and free from worry.

I waited in the shadows for him to come out. It might not even be him I thought, it might be her and I will startle her by standing at the edge of the hall. So I had stepped back out of the way, deep in the shadows.

John came out of the bathroom so quickly, my eyes barely had time to focus. I knew it was him though. The figure was too tall to be her and I would recognize that bare ass anywhere, even in a dark hall at two in the morning. I coughed, not wanting to call out his name and wake the sleeping. He didn’t hear me and the sudden burst of light as he opened then shut the door went away.

I stood in the hall for a moment. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry or not. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go and knock on his door. I argued with myself and couldn’t frame a definite answer to my questions. Is it okay to go to him right now? Is it okay to seek comfort from a bad dream?

I turned and went back to bed feeling like there was a impenetrable invisible wall blocking entry into his bedroom.

There are moments when I am just not sure what is and isn’t okay. I have spent many nights in my apartment needing a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I have cried myself to sleep feeling like there is no one to take care of me. I know that he would help if I asked. I know that Kay would not stonewall any care that Wayne would give me.

In the past, it has always been a matter of distance. I live far enough away that needing to talk for an hour or two is not an easy thing to take care of. It takes near half a tank of gas to get to him and back.

But this time the distance could be measured in inches, yet I felt miles and miles away.

Is there always this thin barrier I wonder? Is it me that keeps it there? Is there some thing going on in the dynamic that makes me think it is there?

Illusion or not, I couldn’t go to that door. I couldn’t tap on it. I couldn’t tell him I needed him.

I wonder how many of us turn away from open arms and closed doors? I wonder how many of us go to bed yearning for a comforting touch?

I am not alone, but sometimes…

Evo

2007-06-01T23:16:00.000-07:00

Evolution occurs in everything.

Right now, my idea of polyamory is evolving. I think it always has been, but I have never really been aware of the incremental changes.

When I started things, it was all about making them comfortable, the primaries I mean. I was hell bent and focused on making sure that no one felt threatened or displaced. I think this is good and it is needed, but I also think that the Primaries cannot expect this to be a way of life.

Of course, a good Primary is doing their own damage control. They should be making the Secondary feel welcome and comfortable in their new role. Essentially they shouldn’t be tossing their power around.

So when does all this making sure everyone is happy stop?

It doesn’t. (But you just said…)

The manner in which it is delivered changes, the issues change, and maybe the focus changes.

I would consider the above to be “Stage One” of a poly relationship. “Stage Two” is learning to accept and trust that all the stuff in Stage One is real. This is tougher than it seems.

Trust is a hard thing to build. It is hard between two people, harder when it is three or four and so on. If real trust cannot be created then a relationship dies. I think most poly relationships die here and not too many of us experience “Stage Three”.

What is “Stage Three”?

Comfort and living.

Kind of….

Putting things into stages to follow is hard. I can look back and see the milestones, but I couldn’t see them as I was coming up to them nor could I as I passed them. All this “stages” stuff I am talking about is seen in retrospect.

So that brings me back to the beginning.

“Right now, my idea of polyamory is evolving. I think it always has been, but I have never really been aware of the incremental changes.”
We don’t have to be aware of the minutia of change, but we have to get used to the idea that poly relationships are not stagnant. The things we do and the reasons we do things may change over time. We are growing together and sometimes we are even growing apart.

Right now the Tarot card "Death” comes to mind. I am seeing fortune tellers in shiny hats, seated behind velvet tables and loud thunderous music clapping down as the card of Death is placed on the table.

Death is Change. Death is Evolution. Sometimes change can be hard. Sometimes it can be frightening, but that is mainly perspective. Change is what we make of it and I truly believe for the most part, change is for the better.

Moseying Along

2007-05-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

I have been wondering what to write about for about a week now. I have nothing grandiose to say nor do I have a life lesson to hand out. Why? Because except for one aspect of my poly life that I am not ready to talk about, nothing is going on.

The world is stable.

I think I said I wanted a moment of calm. I wanted a string of days that would turn into a string of weeks of no drama, no issues, no turbulence on the ride.

I am smoothly moseying along.

I am smoothly moseying along.

I just wanted to repeat that. I wanted to let myself know that there are times like these and months and months from now when the word seems a little fucked, I can look back and say…

I am smoothly moseying along.

Or was, depending.

I need to know that there are ups with the downs. I need to know that while I am in the middle of thinking the world sucks and is apparently against me that at least for a month or so it took a break. It was off messing with someone else or just taking a vacation from me.

(You do know the world is focused on me?)

Do you journal? Do you have any way to mark the times when things were good? I think many of us tend to focus on the bad stuff and forget about all of the goodness that happened in between. I think some of us don’t really worry about happy times because we gauge our lives on the accumulation of bad rather than good.

In other words, some of us focus on the negative. Some of us will spot the negative possibilities way before we get to the positive.

Some of us.

But not you and me right?

You and I are going to look at all of the goodies in our basket before we focus on what isn’t there.

You and I are going to take a moment and reflect on all of the kind things that our lovers and family have done for us. We are going to look at the progress we have made since we started all of this, whatever all of this may be.
We are going to take the time to do this because if we focus too much on all of the shit we will just be stomping around thinking about shit.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to spend all of my time on the mental crapper.

I don’t know if things are running smoothly for you now. If they are reflect on it. Be happy and remember all the good stuff and put that in your goody basket. ( I know, you want me to run off and find better metaphors.)

If things aren’t going so well you can still look at the good stuff. Maybe it would be a good idea to compare the piles. Is the shit you are going through now worth it? Is there more good than bad?

Those can be hard questions to answer because if the answer is ‘There is more bad than good” then we are at the onset of some difficult decisions. Some of those decisions may take sacrifice, not just yours but those around you. Those decisions may change your life and lead you to something new, someone new.

Whatever the case we need not be afraid of the hard stuff. We need to understand that shit happens, you clean it up and move on. Otherwise life is just a big pile of…

Yeah, you know what I am getting at.

Just in case you didn’t notice, I didn’t make any comparisons between monogamy and polyamory. I didn’t because there is no need. Some problems are just universal no matter the structure of your relationship.

So while we are trying to spin our minds to think of the positive, I think we should stop trying to demand absolute separation of monogamy and polyamory relationship dynamics.

There are some differences, some major ones, but all in all the constant us and them mentality sets all of us up to be exclusionary.

By polyamorists touting how different they are, how much they are breaking the mold, etc, we end up condoning that we are somehow defective not only in the minds of monogamists, but in the polyamorist mind as well.

You may think it is totally cool to fly your freak flag, You may have been pushed so far outside the norm that you underscore your differences so no one else will. But you know, that is for high school. That is for the insecure. If you are confident in who you are then just be that. If it’s different, cool. If it’s not , cool.

It’s okay to be proud of who you are, but please, stop reinforcing the very thing you are running from. All I see in a freak flag are frightened little kids.

Nuffin' Much

2007-05-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

What is your poly culture?

Do you hang out with others of like mind? Or are you the odd ones out in your social life?

Birds of a feather as the saying goes and though I am sure there are many who keep it all within the walls of their homes there are just as many who seek out others.

Here are some random links I came across in my mad dash five minute search.

http://www.polyamorysociety.org/spiritual.html

http://www.ourhaven.info/sitepics/photos.html?path=poly2005

http://www.uncoverthenet.com/dir/12940/1.php

http://polyamory.meetup.com/370/photos/

http://jscms.jrn.columbia.edu/cns/2006-02-14/stokes-polyamory/

The links range from the spiritual to the activist.

I myself don’t really interact with the poly culture of my city. I tried, but I found that having polyamory in common isn’t enough to build a friendship. It seems it is just enough to meet and maybe randomly hang out at meetings when either of you decide to attend a meeting.

What am I getting at? Nothing really. I have just been thinking about how diverse our culture is. That’s all. Next week I’ll probably have something more meaningful, but truly my thoughts are in an upheaval right now and I just want to ride it out.

OSO SO SO

2007-04-18T09:44:00.001-07:00

How do you feel about your SO’s OSO?

Poly talk can be annoying.

How do you feel about your….significant other’s other significant other?

Who are you? The OSO or the SO?

Titles, names, labels, indicators, markers…

It all gets annoying sometimes. There is no right language for what we are is there? We can make things up and we may even have preferences, but terms like secondary seem so valueless even when I know why I am using it.

If I could remove all the emotion and just be logical then I would have no problem with any term you or I used to explain our poly lives. I think I could detach myself from implications, but the reality is that I cannot as long as I see the discomfort of those I am talking to.

I am bi-racial. I do not look anything other than some kind of Asian to most people. I do not notice my differences until they are contrasted against the eyes of someone who does. I could be in a room of a hundred whites, a hundred blacks, a hundred any other color and nationality you can think of and I will not think about the color of my skin until, until I get a sense that someone else notices I am out of place.

This feeling is usually subtle and sometimes I wonder if it is my imagination. I know that many can’t understand what I mean until they have experienced it, the “One of these is not like the Others” experience.

Being the second is like that in a way. We are noticeably treated with awkwardness. Those around us are not sure what to do with themselves.

When my Mom sees John and I together she treats us like a couple. When Kate is with us her targeting is off and she is not sure what to do. I don’t blame her. It’s not like our culture is suited for it. Though, I know for a fact that I have several great uncles who had more than one wife. Such things were practiced in Thailand long ago.

But that is different. Things like that are distant. Me, John and Kate, we are now and we live in a culture that doesn’t want to deal with the unknown dynamics of polyamory, especially since there is no cookie cutter way to deal with it.

Monogamy has a set way of interaction. We know what to expect, what to do. We understand the boundaries and have certain expectations of the interaction within the couple and between the couple and those that interact with them.

Polyamory has no set rules, not set ways of doing anything. So we start off most interactions with uncertainty.

It comes down to this. Most of the time when someone is nervous about me being Asian, they are not necessarily being inherently racist. They just have not had much interaction with people of my nationality or with me for that matter and the discomfort stems from not wanting to offend.

My discomfort comes from unintentionally being underscored as different. I am half white, but no one sees that. They see the color of my skin and I guess I also resent having half of my heritage erased by perception, even if that is no fault of the observer.

In terms of poly, the awkward interaction underscores that my relationship is not normal. It pushes my lifestyle forward and once again I am being seen because of difference. I am not the one who is rightfully married to Wayne. I am not the Mother of his children. I am the….what, intruder?

I don’t know what goes through people’s mind when they learn of our poly dynamic. DO they think Kate and John have a bad relationship? Do they think they are sexually greedy? Experimenting?

Do they think I can’t find any other type of relationship? That I am being duped into being some play thing? That I am being used?

Negatives.

Sometimes I think we latch on to negatives because they are easier to understand as motivations when something out of the norm comes along.

We all have our reasons for entering into the poly lifestyle. We may find this type of interaction fulfilling. We may find that there are logical aspects such as finances and child rearing that are easier because of the added resources multiple relationships have.

I happened upon it. I wasn’t looking for it, but I found great love in it. I wonder how many of us bypass great love because it is not the norm, because we are afraid of others perceptions, because the idea is awkward and we do not want to deal with any discomfort that stems from being different?

Be who you are.
Be different.
Be happy.

Patterned Chaos

2007-03-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

More than once I have described polyamory as a chaotic state. The sense of confusion I have translates into an indeterminable sense of disorder. I have often felt as if anything can happen at any time. Thus I have defined polyamory as tumultuous at best, a life full of jumbled nerves and uncertainty.

I have watered down this idea by comparing it to monogamy and asking how much more organized and predictable is that lifestyle compared to my own. My answer has always been “very little”. I have suggested that monogamy is only simpler in terms of numbers. I have only suggested that the simpler the equation the simpler it is to do the math.

1+1=2

Simple addition. Simple monogamy.

The further implications of my statements are that polyamory is difficult, too hard for most and at best barely bridled by the rest of us. I have painted a picture of absolute unknowns, wild insecurity, and blatant fear.

Sometimes it feels that way. Sometimes the multiple relationships, the layering of one social role over another seems daunting and at times un-doable.

But I will tell you that polyamory is this way if you are not paying attention. Monogamy is this way if you are not paying attention. Everything seems chaotic if you are not paying attention to the patterns. Everything seems chaotic if you believe there is no control.

I would like to propose that relationships are not as chaotic as they seem.

I have often noted that our problems with each other are cyclic. Sluggo and Kate, Kate and John, Kate and I, John and I all of us have issue with each other through out the year. In retrospect I can see the pattern and if all of us paid enough attention, we could stop the problems before they got out of hand, before they feel overwhelming, before we fall into the idea that we are being controlled by outside forces or are unable to control our own selves.

If all of us work in tandem, if all of us are striving for the same goal then we can control the chaos. We can weave the disarray into something recognizable, something tangible, some thing we can control.

Some of you recognize what I am saying, but not in this exact context. The familiarity of the idea is there though. There is an idea that tiny random events can affect an entire system, an ecosystem in unknowable ways and the idea that these events and effects though seemingly random are in fact deterministic in nature.

I am talking about chaos theory. I am talking about an idea that is a contradiction in term and idea.
How can chaos have any organization? Chaos in the true modern sense can have none, but I am not talking about true chaos. I am talking about perceived chaos.

I have been with Wayne for over three years now. I started my fourth year with him this February as you may know. At this point of time, I know his basic behaviour. I know how he handles anger, happiness, sorrow, and pain. And I have spent the same amount of time with Kate and Sluggo. They too have basic reactions and behaviours.

That knowledge coupled with my general human experience gives me all of the parameters I need to guide me through the seeming chaos.

Yes people change, people do odd things on occasion, and there are factors in behaviour that I may not know about. Unknown events occur and may cause a unpredictable reaction. The rest of it though, how I react, how others react, how I word things, how I accept the problem, how I deal with the problem all of that is basically deterministic if I pay enough attention to the patters of behaviour around me.

And if I communicate effectively to aid in bringing about a positive goal.

This controlled chaos takes constant vigilance though. It takes a constant awareness of our own feelings and motivations. We have to be in tune with ourselves enough to look outside of ourselves to see the patterns happening around us.

Is this possible?

I think we can learn to do this and we can possibly do this much of the time or even most of the time. I don’t however, think we can do this all of the time. There are too many factors for us to keep a constant tab on, thus life feels chaotic even when it is not.

Right now I have a lot of things on my mind. I am trying to work out the path of my life not just for the next few days and weeks, but for the next few years. I feel like I am in utter chaos and at the moment I am tired of being vigilant and looking all around me trying to figure out what everyone else wants and needs. I am tired of it because I have been neglecting myself for so long. I am creating a sense of chaos because I am not paying attention to myself.

Yes poly involves everyone in the relationship, but I want to worry about me.

Me.

Do you secondaries do that often enough? Do you think about you and your needs? Or are you always thinking about the primaries. What’s going on with them? How do they feel? How do you fit in? Should you be quiet or should you speak out?

It’s constant work isn’t it? It’s tiring. It can be overwhelming.

I think every secondary should stop worrying about trying to make everything work in terms of every one else and think about what you need, what you want. You should take the time to get connected to you so you can later get connected to everything else and perhaps then you can see the patterns in the chaos.

Changelings

2007-03-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

Things change.

That is an incredibly obvious statement, but we don’t always get it. Things change while we are paying attention to other things. Only when dramatic changes happen do we take notice.

Wrong.

I think all of us notice on some level. However, we have this uncanny ability to ignore change, hide change from ourselves, or even disguise change as something else. Things are in constant motion, always. But we are not always aware or willing to be aware of that motion. That is why life can seem chaotic at times.

Every so often we do need the dramatic to happen, if only to force us to look at what’s been going on. When we finally look and accept we can move on to noticing the other things in motion.

Except that it is not that simple either. Is anything really simple?

Right now the cherry blossoms are in bloom. The apples are showing their pretty just the same. I think that is simple. I think nature is simple and so can be the nature of things.

The nature of things.

I don’t know where I am going with this. I have things I want to say and things I know have to wait. It is not time. However, I feel compelled to get an idea across, even though I can’t grasp the idea. There is too much emotion in it, and too much contradiction in that emotion.

Happiness and sadness.

And guilty relief.

I have seen things happening around me. I tried to fight the motion of things for a very long time, then got frustrated when I realized that I couldn’t. I got even more frustrated when it seemed like everyone around me couldn’t see what was happening.

I felt like Cassandra. I felt like I could see the inevitable, but no one else could, and no one else would believe me.

But I think the motion of things was seen, and it was the nature of things that caused what I saw as obvious truth to be hidden. It was hidden out of fear, perhaps, or maybe out of hope that things would not go as they did or will.

How cryptic this all is to those outside the circle. I know it, and I am sorry, but certain tales can only be told when time says it is time.

If you can find anything to take from this piece, take the notion that things are in motion and there is a time that you not only have to pay attention, but you have to just let things go where that nature of them take you.

Does that make any sense?

You know it will. Soon enough it will.

Tree Branch Free

2007-03-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday P, my childhood friend, met K. K, John and I had lunch with her at the Lake Forest Café. It went pretty well considering that P has had issue in the past about the poly stuff and about Wayne.

Part of that problem was that I hid the poly aspect from P for almost a year. I really felt like P would judge me strongly, not accept Wayne and generally make me feel that I would have to separate my life again much like I had to with my ex. No too many liked my ex, So, I ended up going doing things like having two birthday parties. One party would be with friends who could tolerate or who liked my ex. The other was of course with those who could not stand my ex.

I hated it.

I was already having to “live a lie” because I wasn’t completely out in my gay relationship and now I had to deal with all of the common issue one faces when dating or married to a bitch.

I didn’t want to go through that again with John. So, I hid the things that I thought would lead to that. Wayne of course is not a bitch nor is he an asshole. But P has a tendency to assume that my relationship choices are poor.
I would agree that I did make some poor choices in the past, but so did she and so do most of us in our lives. Love like so many other things is a learning process. Some of us are not so lucky to find the right relationship from day one.

Well P was well behaved and I had expected her to be nice. I didn’t expect her to make an effort though, but she did. She spoke with K a lot and seemed to try and get some common ground.

And you know, if by chance it was all fake I am okay with that because P was making an effort. K was making an effort. Everyone was making an effort. It made me happy to see that even though there might be some tension here and there, my family could at least bust a gut and take a branch out of their asses long enough to make me feel like I had a cohesive life.

They might have only done all of this for me, but that is great because I am not requiring that the lot of them start getting huggy huggy and exchanging recipes. I just want not to segregate my life into accepted and not accepted.

Thank you.

Not a Happy Valentine's Day Post

2007-02-13T16:51:00.001-08:00

“You can never…”

I was talking with a friend this weekend. I mentioned that John and I were about to have our three year anniversary. She smiled at me and the conversation moved further into the idea of polyamory. We talked a bit and I could tell from her tone that she didn’t see my relationship with Wayne as I do.

“You can never be the primary…”

That was the line that started a tiny little list of things that I could never be. I think my friend was trying to tell me not to get caught up in a relationship she saw as nothing more than fantasy, an unrealistic dynamic that could never be more than what it was. Does she think it is a game? Does she think I am a lost soul trapped by insecurity and settling for the only thing I can get? I am not sure. I think though, in her own way, she was trying to protect me. I understand this. I know there was no ill intent, but it hurt me.

It hurt to have someone look into my eyes and not see the love that I see between Wayne and myself. I have spent the last three years giving myself not only to him, but the family that comes with it and I have paid my dues and proven at least to myself that I am worthy to be more than just a weekend toy.

You know I can say it over and over again. I can put any title I want in front of my name. I can call myself sister-wife, wife, OSO, and it only means so much or so very little. Wayne and Margo have to give such titles or else I am just living in a fantasy world.

Fantasy…

You fear the idea as much as I do. There is always a little voice isn’t there? One that is questioning the validity of who and what you are. You spend so much time telling that little voice to hush and you might even get it to be quiet enough to hear all of the love and acceptance around you, but it takes very little for the background whiny of uncertainty to run screaming through the room.

Being in our place is a delicate thing. Social mores and customs conflict internally and externally and sometimes we can’t find the calm within the storm. Sometimes we believe it doesn’t exist and it is nothing but a figment of our imagination, a wish placed upon tired lips.

I was so sure of myself a few days ago. I was so sure I was in the right place. I was so sure of my acceptance. I was.
Now, it is a week from my anniversary with Wayne. I’ve been on a journey of over a thousand days. When he says “I love you.”, I know it’s true. I don’t doubt it for a second. But this is about more than that. The reality of polyamory encompasses more than two people loving each other. It is about two people and all the loved ones surrounding them.
Each of us is a tiny universe colliding and blending with others creating a cosmos of interaction. How we map our existence is up to us, but we cannot create the path that others take to us. Who am I to Wayne? Who am I to Margo? Who am I to anyone around me? I don’t think I truly know the answers to those questions. I don’t know if I trust what I thought were those answers anymore.

Has my faith been shattered?

Yeah.

We were supposed to have our hand fasting this May. No one has talked about it. I don’t feel right about asking about it. It feels like begging if I have to remind everyone. I will not beg for acceptance. And you know if it skips everyone’s attention then maybe this is not where I am supposed to be.

I am okay with that because I am not in this relationship because I have no where else to go. I am here because I want to be. I love Wayne more than I can express, but even I know that sometimes love is not enough…

(To clarify...I am not stating that I want to be the "primary". I really don't think that long term healthy relationships can survive with an eternal hierarchy such as that. I want equality. There comes a time when a "secondary" begins putting in as much resources of time, energy, money and so forth that it would be insulting not to be "elevated". I also don't think that poly relationships are contests of who is better and titles such as secondary and primary are helpful in communicating who is married, who got there first and creating initial needed boundaries, in the long term though they are detrimental to the psyche of the secondary. Anyone who wants a long term, healthy relationship needs to understand that keeping a loved one in second-class status will build resentment. So, like I said I am not looking to destroy anything that existed before I came along. I only seek to enchance it and to be a respected partner and strive for a secure relationship where all involved are equals and the idea of "primary" and "secondary" are non-existent. Monogamy creates better than and it is hard to let go of that mentality, but really we should try. Primaries who are not willing to do this need to let the secondaries know and let the secondary decide if they want to stick around.)

The Distance

2007-02-01T20:55:00.000-08:00

What kind of secondary are you?

Are you a lover that comes by once in while? Are you a member of the family? Are you something less than family, more like a good friend? Are you the type that the kids call Uncle or Aunt, but they really don’t know your interaction with the family? Or are you a ghost and you never see anyone but your lover?

Am I missing some scenarios? I know I am. There are far too many variations on this theme that one could write a compendium on that aspect alone.

I suppose some of us have a concrete idea where we stand, but then our relationship to our loves other connections may be vague.

Do you know where you stand and is it where you want to be?

I think we have all been all I described above at one time or another, at least something similar to those descriptions. All of us started out not knowing our poly families as a whole then as time went on transitioned from one dynamic to another until we found ourselves as we are now.

There are those of us of course who are at a standstill either by choice or by an unforeseen force that is our poly dynamic. If we are happy with our stations then no need to look into the matter.

But what if you are not?

Maybe you are in a transition phased and sorely confused as to what role you play in your lover’s life. Maybe that lover isn’t really a lover anymore, maybe they have become something closer to husband and wife.

Husband. Wife. Other Significant Other.

Oh the life of the OSO is it oh so grand?

I think it can be as long as every one is on the same page. But that is the crux isn’t it? How often are we all running along at the same speed? How many times have you run ahead only to have to wait patiently for everyone else to catch up? How many times has it been you lagging in the distance?

Does everyone know where everyone is running to in the first place?

I gotta ask again, what kind of secondary are you? Are you at a happy place in the road or are you looking ahead for something that looks a little better? Are those along for walk looking at the same mile stone or are their eyes averted looking into other things? Or are they happily at rest where they stand?

Sometimes I feel like I am racing towards something. Sometimes I feel quite alone and I am never sure if I am too far ahead or too far behind. Sometimes I think that no one is paying attention to my place in the course of things and that everyone else is so caught up in their own terrain to even bother with mine.

That is the way of things though. Poly dynamics are a myriad of interactions all happening at once, all bouncing around in different directions, sometimes happily, sometimes hanging on for deal life as the human experience whizzes by.

Communication is the only time that things slow down. It is the only time that we are walking hand in hand. It is the only time that we all know where we are going.

If you feel lost about anything, if you feel like your easy stride has suddenly become a struggle, if you look around and no one is to be found then it is time to take a moment and talk with those you love.

Maybe you are a lover becoming a spouse. Maybe you are a family friend becoming something of a parent. Maybe you feel you are what you have been and have no idea that those around you perceive you as something more. Do you know?

I don’t know maybe I am just feeling the need to remind everyone to gather the troops for a bit and try walking hand in hand.

I Fear...

2007-01-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

Last week I was very ill. So was John and Kate spent the last two days of it a bit sick herself. This would be the first time that I spent more than four days with John. I spent seven whole days with him.
I wish though that more of those days were not filled with vomit, stomach cramps and some other virus-ridden unmentionables. I am glad for it though. I know that I can be sick and count on them to take care of me.

I don’t think I really believed until then. I thought all of it was lip-service and that Kate would get jealous and not allow the time needed or that John would find that I was fine for a weekend play toy, but that he didn’t really want to put that much effort into our relationship beyond that.

I’ve spent a lot of time fearing these things or worse fearing that I would trust that and be wrong.

Fear does weird things to a person. I know that we need a little of it to keep us cautious. We don’t want to walk the world idly with no fear in us. It is dangerous to do so and eventually we will all come across something to fear.

So we need a little fear for protection. But then too much of anything will cause us harm. Too much water can kill us, too much oxygen, too much of just about anything can be harmful. So, being alive is a constant balance of good and bad. We don’t want too much of either.

Sadly, we as a whole are a little off center. Gay, straight, bi-sexual, kinky, non-kinky,transgendered, furry, geek, jock, yuppie, goth, emo…what single one of us has found balance? Hmmm, the Buddhists? The Dali Lama?

Not too many of us for sure. Some of us are closer to the center than others, but I doubt we can say we are centered across the board. There are too many factors within one human life to be perfect in everything. Good Mom, bad employee. A genius in Math, a dolt in English. Perfect husband, terrible boyfriend…

I think though we can work on everything, just one at a time. So right now I am trying to balance fear. It is okay to fear some things, but not everything. Fearing a rabid dog, crouching and growling at you is okay. Fearing a raging fire gets you to walk to saftey. Fearing falling keeps most from dancing on the edge of rooftops.

But it's not fair to compare physical fear to emotional fear. Emotional fear is not always logical. Emotional fear of what someone might do may not even be based on that particular person’s actions. The fear may have come from a past relationship, past experiences that we can’t seem to let go of.

Sometimes fear is based on one thing, losing something.

Secondaries walk around with a lot of this type of fear. In the corner of our minds we think. “They are going to get tired of me. They have each other, why bother with the time and effort to include me in their lives.”

‘Included in their lives…”

I think to alleviate this fear we have to look at that part of the sentence. Yes, we secondaries are being included in the lives of the primary. Yes, we are becoming a part of them. This is not one sided though. It feels that way often enough doesn’t it? It feels like we are the ones constantly knocking on doors waiting to be let in, waiting for them to be comfortable to allow us into their lives.

We forget that we are allowing them into our lives as well. Did you walk into the relationship absolutely unconnected to anyone? Do you not have friends, family? Do you not have pieces of your life that had to be rearranged to accommodate becoming poly? Do you not have to share a lover as well? We share time, we share resources, we juggle our lives just as much as the primaries do.

Polyamory may not start out as a meeting of equals. Secondaries may feel like we are starting out in second place and that we have to make all kinds of changes to suit the Primaries, but eventually equality must happen.

Secondaries need to stop feeling like they are intruders. Primaries have to stop perpetuating such feelings. How this is done I am not sure. We each have to look at our interactions and see what makes us feel this way.

Are plans often made without you? Do you have to ask to be included in these plans? If you don’t agree with a plan, do you feel like you will be heard and accommodated? Do you feel like you are the one constantly sacrificing for the good of the “established” family? Do you feel like you have to go along with everything because what they want is more important than what you want?

As long as there is a sense of separation the fear of “They will tire of me” will never go away. It will constantly sit there looking around waiting for something to happen and perhaps given enough time that feeling will become proactive and force something to happen.

I have to ask myself why after three years of my relationship with John, why do I feel like it can end at any moment? What makes me so jittery? Why am I constantly looking around corners and over my shoulders?

Some of this may be my past coming back to haunt me. Some of this may be the way we handle things and how we place priorities of need. My fear may be illusory or grounded in some action that I have yet to define, but it is there and regardless of its origin, it must be dealt with or I will never feel comfortable in my skin. I will always be wary of John and Kate.

Don’t get me wrong, they were very good to me this week. My problem is that I was never 100% sure they would be. And that is sad, because they deserve the trust I want to give them.

It's Only Math:Multiplicity in Polyamory

2007-01-10T08:35:00.000-08:00

I recall talking about the ever changing dynamics of a single person in a poly unit. But my recollection is poor, so I am going to write about it again.
Let’s take me for example. If all the family is in the room I am at once, lover, girlfriend, friend, sister, mother, aunt, caretaker, guardian… I am all these things at once and more than one to a single person.

Let’s look at the boys for instance. No I am not their biological Mother and I will never take the place of their Mother. But there are times I have nuances of that figure. Other times to them I am less of a “mother” and more of a guardian and sometimes I move out of that into more of aunt or sisterly role.

All of this depends on what’s going on, who’s in the room, the current emotional mood, what specific duties are required of me or who my focus is on.

The phenomenon of multiple roles is not poly specific. This occurs in normal relationships. My Sister for instance, spent a portion of her childhood being reared by our Aunt. Our Aunt, to my sister, is more than her Mother’s sister, our Aunt is a Mother and a friend to her whereas my Aunt is just my Aunt to me. My Mother and Sister also have a relationship that is both motherly and sisterly.

Then we have my Brother. I am eighteen years older than he is and though I am his sister, there are times I have taken on Motherly roles in regards to him. My role as sister is not clearly defined and within a single conversation I can move from one end of that scope to another.

Now, I am using the terms mother, sister and so forth rather freely. We all have different feelings as to what those words feel like. We may have no connection to the word “sister”. Sister just may mean someone who is related to you, but you have no real emotional connection to. And the same goes with “mother”. Mother may mean someone who is nurturing or it may be the word you use for the baby factory you came out of.

I am not being cynical in my usage. I am using all of the terms in the most loving manner, you will have to discern the varied intensities of the terms in the context I use them.

And another thing I am doing is not assuming that everyone has one specific role. I think that is logically obvious, but not emotionally. Some of us connect with a certain identity, cling to it and feel threatened when someone else is seen in that same light. Committed poly relationships cannot survive in that atmosphere and the roles we have to share are more than just “lover” or “wife”. We share all of the other family roles in one degree or another.

If you really think about it, we do this all of the time. In the poly world though, all of this is concentrated and more noticeable. In a dynamic of one wife/mother, one husband/father,children/siblings the roles are easier to define and the crossing over of roles is usually limited to short periods of uncles, aunts, and friends interacting with the base family unit. The poly family unit is not so rigidly defined. The lines that define us are penciled in, ready to be erased and drawn back throughout the day. This pliability takes some getting used to.

A friend once made fun of me and said referred to my family as a commune. He equated it with tree hugging hippies walking around with daisies in their hair and smoking pot. I think life would be easier if that were the case. The reality though is that while we are standing around trying to get over the multiple love idea we also have to get into the groove of multiple roles in interacting with everyone in the poly unit.

I wouldn’t suggest tackling all of it at once. The multiple love thing has to be worked out and once there is comfort in that, one can look around the room at all the other relationships they are involved in.

I think this is the point when people truly start becoming families. Day one, everyone worries about how much time one lover gets to spend with another. Silly things like what gift you got one or what place you took another get in the way. These are superficial things in the long run, but very important at the time. (The time thing will always be important; I am just talking about the other two items in the sentence. )

What happens after the dust settles on that though it the true fusion of people, wants, needs, ideas and essentially households. When someone becomes poly and commits themselves to that poly relationship they are not just committing to one person; they are committing to a whole group.

When I “marry” John, I am marrying Kate and the boys as well. This is a big deal. This is not easy and you know, I have never said that poly was easy. And really, I don’t think any long term committed relationship is easy. Because even in a monogamist relationship people still have to blend their lives and their things and compromise to have a balanced household.

I look at it this way. 1 +1=2 and 1x-2d+x-3x=3x-2d are both math problems. One just takes a tad bit more time, knowledge and maybe even a little more patience, but in the end the basic principles are the same; we all want it to add up.
Anyway, truly entering into a poly unit means one has to look at every relationship, not just the love relationship.

Who am I to Margo? Lover, friend, sister, rival?
Who am I to Wayne? Lover, friend, spouse?
Who am I to the boys? Friend, sister, mother, guardian, aunt?

Am I all of these things at once or some of things only some of the time?

Notice I put rival on the list with Kate’s name on it. I know many of us would not like to think that happens, but it does. I would do the same if I had placed Ramone’s name against John’s relationship with him. I do this because even in the most loving, secure poly relationships jealousy can occur. Jealousy is expected on day one, but it can occur on day 365,730 and 2920 or any other day in-between. We can’t forget that we are human and no matter how evolved you may think you are, all of us can succumb to momentary insecurity.

But alas, I keep meandering away from the point.

The point is that polyamory is not just about multiple loves, fuck buddies, and sex toys. Polyamory is also about all of the people who surround our love partners. We have to develop relationships with significant others, children, aunts, uncles, fathers, mothers, friends and so forth. We start out with the one, then the one’s significant other, then the one’s immediate family, then if possible the extended family.

The relationships we develop lend us to taking on multiple roles each person in the poly unit. This multiplicity of roles can be confusing at first and it may take time to get an idea of what your role is in the family and who you are to certain people. You may find it constantly changing. You may find that over time things settle down and you can easily find your identity reflected by the one you are looking at.
And within all this finding of who you are to others in your circle you may find some bits of resentment for certain roles you are taking on. Parenting for instance can be an issue. Biological parents may have trouble seeing their children look to non-biological family members as a parent. Extended family may have trouble seeing you as another spouse figure. Friends may feel uncomfortable around secondaries because that secondary has the role of lover or spouse and to the monogamist, the interactions seem foreign or even unnatural.

All aspects of poly interactions though can be smoothed out. Time, patience, and communication breed acceptance and all the things that seemed hard or uncomfortable can become a way of life.

I wanted to end it with the previous sentence, but this last paragraph is for all of the realists and perhaps even cynics in the world.

I don’t live in a Pollyanna world. So I know that some of the smoothing out will be rough for some and some aspect of poly life may always have its kinks. I think we have to ask ourselves what do we want from our relationships, what we can do to get those things we want and how much effort can we put into it all. Depending on how those questions are answered, we must commit ourselves to success or find another venue for fulfillment.

Rolling My Eyes at Myself

2007-01-03T09:35:00.000-08:00

Again, I am at a loss for words. What to say, what to say? I guess I could talk about New Year’s Eve. Last year I brought up the first kiss. It was a moment of unease and I wasn’t sure who should kiss who and so forth. This year John kissed me first and Ramon kissed Kate first. This year it wasn’t a big deal; it was just a kiss. It didn’t say anything about status, make comments for or against any one. It was just a kiss.

I suppose that is the closest to normal we can expect to get. Or is it?

I don’t know where I am going with all of this because to tell you the truth I don’t feel normal in being poly. I feel incredibly different because of it and that sense kind of taints my relationship.

I think it keeps me from accepting the acceptance of Kate and John. To this day I am wary of all the kindness given to me as if it is all a cruel joke. I still have this expectation that it will all fall apart and I will be left alone.

Still.

It is almost three years now? I can’t even recall how many years I have been with John. It seems like a lifetime, in the best sense. So much has gone on, We have had some terrible lows and some great heights. We have gone through so much and our relationship has been tested and it has passed again and again. Yet…

Yet, my insecurities still push at me. Every time I start to get comfortable I get edgy and want to run. I still want to run from it all.

Am I poly because I fear commitment?

I am very committed though. I only have Wayne. I am poly in the sense that my boyfriend is married, but I am not in the sense that I myself have two lovers. Though…forget it. You guys don’t need to know everything. ;)

Goodness, I am a tangled mess this week. I think New Years brings this sense of forced renewal. I look around and think I have to have a resolution. I have to resolve something this year and maybe that feeling is right.

I have lost my trust in my poly relationships. All the pending changes are eating at my security. I am slowly building my walls back up thinking that there will be a tidal wave of trouble coming.

I am scared of…the unknown.

I am running around in emotional circles creating scenarios left and right and digging myself a hole of despair because I am worried that something might happen.

I think my New Year’s resolution is to get my optimism back. I want my trust back as well. I want not to assume the worst as I have all last year. I want to assume happiness and wait for the bad to happen before I worry about it because all I am doing now is living in fear.

How do I do this? I don’t know. Maybe I should stop building that wall and go back to being open about my feelings. Ah, shit. There goes that communication thing again. I hate when my own logic gets tossed back at me.

So here is the lesson I give to you. Communicate. Don’t be me. Don’t disconnect from your world. Don’t live in fear. If you are not happy, make yourself happy. Don’t wait around for someone else to do it for you. Admit when you are wrong; accept it, fix it and move on.

God, I can be preachy. Know this, every time I preach to the world I am preaching to myself as well. I am telling myself what I need to do, because I know that I will listen to myself when I am not listening to anyone else.

Oh, Happy New Year!!!!

The Long and Short of It

2006-12-19T10:38:00.001-08:00

I wasn’t really sure what to write about this week. My poly world is in limbo. There are no major happenings at this very moment, just the knowledge that things are going to happen.

It is an odd feeling really. I always thought I was a “live in the moment” type, free-spirited and spontaneous.

Three years ago, I was not a planner. I didn’t need to plan anything. But then I didn’t have to worry about anyone but me and previously, me and the ex. Now though, I have a whole lot of people to think of and we have all these things going on. So planning has become important to me. Though, I tend to only plan for the short term, not the long.

Is this my nature or the nature of the relationship?

Or can it be the nature of poly relationships?

What have you planned for in your relationship? Is there a part of you that shies away from long term goals because you are afraid that there is no long term about it?

My Father made a surprise visit this week. Wayne got to meet him and though the visit was brief, it made me think about the longevity of my relationship with Wayne.

I was waiting for my Father to ask questions like

“When are you getting married?”
“Are you gonna have kids?”
“So what are you future plans together?”

I spent a good portion of that afternoon thinking of my answers and found I had answered them to a point, but I wasn’t sure about the long term aspects of those questions.

Now, no one can guarantee what they will feel in ten years, but I tried to think beyond right now and even beyond a year from now. I started by looking at what I wanted in life three years ago, before I met Wayne.

Three years ago I wanted a stable relationship. Beyond that I hadn’t really thought about it because I was looking to see what was out there. Would I find someone with kids, who wanted kids, who wanted to get married, who was afraid of marriage?

Basically, I had no conviction in any thing other than wanting to be happy; marriage and kids were not an absolute need. That’s a little bit of that free-spirit, spontaneous non-planner me I was talking about.

I met John and he was married. That whole marriage thing went out the door, but there was still the possibility of kids.

I couldn’t decide. Every so often I wanted children. Every so often I thought I absolutely didn’t want them. All I really knew was I didn’t have a driving need to procreate. I was just as perfectly happy not passing on my genes as I would be passing them on.

So, I decided then to let nature take its course. If John’s little troopers were strong enough to get past the Pill, then I’d keep the baby.

Here we are at the end of 2006. I am a year older, a little wiser. I think planning is cool now and not something for the anal masses. Or maybe I have become a part of the anal masses?

Either way, it is not a bad thing to look ahead.

I am still not in need of marriage. I don’t need “Mrs.” ahead of my name to define me. Though, I need the idea of commitment. Though, that commitment doesn’t have to be legally sanctioned.

This is not to say that if I were with someone single I wouldn’t be looking into marriage. I am not anti-marriage. I just don’t need it.

I know when I identified as a lesbian that marriage was not apart of the landscape. Perhaps because of that I learned to understand law did not validate my love, it only gave me rights and benefits, like access to my dying spouse.

I don’t think I will ever need to be married. But I can’t say that I won’t want to be. That’s a bit tricky, but I have it settled in my heart and I know what it means.

I still feel the same way about kids as I always have, ambivalent leaning towards no. The idea of doing what I am supposed to still creeps about. I know what I am supposed to want and I feel guilty for not being one of those women who just has to have kids.

But I remind myself of the number of people who have kids and shouldn’t. So being alive, being human, being a woman does not mean children are right for me.

I think based on the past that I will continue to feel the same about these topics in the near future. Something could happen though, a revelation, an act of fate could change things but…

But there is more to relationships than those two things. What about living together? What about retirement plans? What about inheritance? What about all the things that a normal married couple has to think about? You know all those benefits of law that marriage brings? Do we secondaries need to think about such things?

If you are financially independent perhaps you don’t need to think about it, unless you buy a house with your poly family or something along those lines. But what if you are not financially independent? What if you put as much money and time into a relationship as the married couple does? Have you thought about it? Are you afraid to? Does looking at that much detail change what polyamory is all about? Are you scared to? Is this crossing an unspoken line?

If poly is just about fucking as many folks as you can, you probably don’t think about such things. But if you are about commitment to one poly family, then maybe it is something you need to think about. It is your future too you know.

Living in the now is cool. Living in the now can be healthy, but everyone needs to watch were they are walking. There are poles everywhere just waiting to smack you in the head.

Me Sad, Go Away if You Want Perky

2006-12-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

How many days until Christmas? I am not exactly sure, but I know it is close and perhaps a little too close. I am not afraid of it this year or confused about where I am supposed to be or if I am invited to anything on the other side. The “other side” being them, John and Kate and…

Yet you know, there have been a lot of things surrounding my poly-family and I have this sense that all kinds of things are going to start happening after the new year begins. I feel like this Christmas will be the last fleeting moments of serenity.

The Kate and Snugby thing will be happening soon, I think. That will start a long process of adjustment. I am not looking forward to it at all. I feel like my whole time being poly has been full of adjustments.

It’s nobody’s fault really. We gotta do what we gotta do and in the midst of all that, stuff is happening all around us.

I feel drained by everything. I feel at a loss as to what to do. I don’t see there is anything I can do, but leave.

Accept things as they are or leave.

It is a very hard concept for me. I can leave the relationship any time I want. I can pick up my things and just go. If things are too hard for me that is all I have to do. Nothing is stopping me from moving on.

Except me.

I love John dearly. I love him like I have never loved anything in my life.

Then there is Kate and the boys…

Leave?

Is that really an easy decision?

When you are living your poly life and there is strife what do you do? Do you think of ways to fix it or do you think of ways to leave it?

I have always been a fixer, only until recently did leaving really become a part of my thought processes. I think I see Snugby doing it, leaving, and I wonder if he has it right. I wonder if he knows something I don’t.

I have walked over fire to get where I am and my feet are finally cooling.. All the trouble we’ve had has started to heal, but I am not sure if I will be fully ready for the next time. I am gunshy and worried. I am scared and sensitive about everything.

And maybe I am making it all up. Maybe Christmas does this to me. Maybe I was fooled into thinking that I would always have that childhood magic to keep me going.

I am ill. I’ve been sleeping all day. It is dark in the house and the sound of rain is all around me. It feels like limbo. It feels like judgment day is coming. It feels like there is too much codeine in my cough syrup.

Does Polyamory Work?

2006-12-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

Does polyamory actually work? In the long term?

Opponents of polyamory will say no, it doesn’t work. Polyamory is doomed to fail because it is human nature to have only one life partner. The struggles of maintaining multiple relationships puts a strain on love. Some might even say that polyamory is against God.

But is monogamy any more natural to humans?

Opponents will say no it isn’t. One only has to look at society to see the high divorce levels and the number of extra-marital affairs that occur to see that it is not. Some might even say that monogamy is against Nature.

And you know, every one is right.

But what many fail to see is that monogamy and polyamory are not conditions of humanity. These are individual choices. They are appropriate and natural to one, but not another.

What about God? What about Nature?

I would have to ask is there a universal right before I tackled those questions, because the answer to that question will color the answer to everything else.

If you answer yes, there is a universal right then there is very little, if no, chance for productive argument. If there is only “one right” then everyone else is wrong and those who are right seek to enlighten those that are wrong.

This dynamic of thought twists and turns upon itself when two people’s ideas of absolute right do not concur. We have two mountains pressed against each other, immovable.

I myself do not believe in absolutes, but not even that absolutely.

I was brought up to live and let live, to love and let love.

My Buddhist Mother taught me this.

My Christian Father taught me this.

My Atheist Step-Father taught me this.

Whatever we think about religion, morality, or the nature of humans, there is one commonality that binds us.

We all want to love and be loved. We all want the freedom to love as we see fit.

No one, no matter if they are moderate or extreme in their beliefs, wants to be told how to live and especially not what or who to love. As if we have some kind of control over this?

Yet humans have spent history trying to have control and take control.

Over what?

If you are monogamist what will polyamory do to you?

I would love to hear the answer to that question. I would like it answered without religion or morality getting in the way of it.

Can we answer anything of this nature without putting our sacred beliefs behind it?

You know, I never answered the questions I proposed at the beginning of this.

“Does polyamory actually work? In the long term? “

Yes, polyamory works.

It works for as long as we want it to.

I guess maybe you were looking for a more profound answer. Maybe bringing God, Nature, spirituality, universal rights, control, and love made you think there was more to your love life than you.

You control how you love. You control your life. You make polyamory work or not work.

Nothing I believe or say changes that.

All Growed Up

2006-11-29T11:07:00.001-08:00

My birthday is coming up soon. I will be 35 years old. The idea of it hasn’t hit me yet and I am not sure if it will. But I know that prying eyes like my Mom, sister and other members of my family are looking over the years and wondering when I am going to grow up.

Grow up.

What does that mean exactly?

Am I supposed to suddenly need children and a husband? Is my biological clock going to start ticking louder and louder? Will I run around stressful hearing the beating of time through the floor boards? Am I a cultural criminal because I don’t really feel any of these things?

Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

The idea that we should have a family, house, and be settled into our lives is so ingrained that I am waiting for the feelings to overwhelm me. I am waiting for a flood of emotion that will feel like failure. I am waiting to feel suddenly past my prime and out of the race for a normal life.

I’ve been waiting and I’ve only felt tiny nudges of it. Every so often I see a baby and I think I want one. Every so often I see a wedding dress and wonder what it would be like. Honeymoons, name changes, diaper changes, are these things that creep into my mind’s eye not necessarily because I want them, but I feel like I am supposed to.

And suddenly the things I didn’t really care for I suddenly care for and suddenly, suddenly, suddenly I feel that twinge and I sit and wait for that twinge to pinch at my nerves and send me running off into the great wild in search of all the things I am supposed to have.

Then it hits me. I am almost 35 years old. My sister has these things. My friends, family, co-workers all of them who want these things have them. They sought them at a far younger age and worked their asses off until they had them.

These things I keep telling myself that I want I could have had. I’ve bypassed opportunity over and over again, only to find that I was willing to let opportunity pass. Every single tingle of desire for normalcy fades because I know underneath all of the “supposed to’s” that I know what I really want and it has nothing to do with what everyone tells me I should want.

The reality of life is that we usually have what we want. If we truly wanted more we would go after it. Certain wants are like hunger. We are driven to go after them. We are driven to satiate that need with in our souls.

Circumstance will not stop us.

Starving men do not stop searching for food unless they want to die.

A starving man will do anything, eat bugs, eat shit, eat rotting meat because all he knows is that he wants to survive.

We have such a luxury in telling ourselves that the world is holding us back. How arrogant to think that the world would go to such effort.

Nothing is stopping me from getting anything that I want other than me.

So, do I want the things I feel I am supposed to have? Have I fallen for some marketing scheme? Is the American my dream? and if it’s not am I flawed?

We do not live in the same atmosphere our parents did. There is not a single child who has lived in the “same world” as their parents. Culture evolves, we evolve and all the TV shows that we watched at 8 years of age were made for a different time.

I am not saying fuck tradition. I am saying don’t let someone else’s tradition hold you back, bring you down, force you to be someone you are not. Make your own traditions if it makes you happy.

You can.

You know why?

Cuz you are all growed up.

(I will write “grown” here for all of you grammar Nazi’s.)

Thanks Bitch

2006-11-20T12:12:00.000-08:00

It is three days before Thanksgiving, two if you don’t count today. And the only thing I have to worry about is how much time I am going to be up the hill.

Wow.

The first year I was with John, I didn’t spend Thanksgiving with him because his sister-in-law didn’t have another plate.

I am going to let that sink in for a bit.

“The sister-in-law didn’t have another plate.”

Okay, she did have another plate. She just didn’t have another matching place setting. She couldn’t bear to sit at a table and have one single setting that was different from all the rest. It just had to. It didn’t matter if I would spend Thanksgiving alone or not. It didn’t matter that it was my first year with John. It didn’t matter that it hurt to be away from him on the holiday or that I felt kicked in the stomach. It didn’t matter that I spent that day thinking, I will have to spend every holiday from here on out without him. It didn’t matter if I questioned the sanity of polyamory or if I could handle the pain of it.

It didn’t matter because she got her matching place settings. She got to show her entire family and friends that she had matching plates.

I hope she wrote it down in her diary.

I had matching plates today. I am so happy. I finally feel fulfilled. I am somebody.

Am I bitter about that?

No, I am not bitter. I am in awe. To this day, I am awestruck.

When I was a lesbian, my family invited my girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn’t there. I was visiting my Father. My Mother opened her home and heart to a woman she didn’t know. Why? Because she wanted me to be happy.

And Kate’s parents have opened their home to me. Over and over again they have welcomed me into their home. I will spend another Thanksgiving at their house, alongside John, Kate, and even the sister-in-law.

I don’t dislike the sister-in-law. I don’t hate her. She has become nicer since that year. I will smile, say hello and mean it. I will give her a gift at Christmas and wish her a Happy New Year. She will be nice to me, talk to me and not treat me like shit. ( I think.)

But I will always remember that first Thanksgiving. Not out of spite, but because it hurt so much. I have that pain to contrast with my happiness now. And when I look at the sister-in-law I don’t give her hate or bitterness. I give thanks that she was such a bitch that day.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!

All Screwy

2006-11-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

I went romping through the poly forums last night. And you know what? We as a poly community are screwed up in the head.

?!?!?!?!?!?

Okay, maybe all the people who gather in such communities to bring up issues, bitch about their partners and talk about all the bad stuff. Perhaps, these communities do not represent the poly community as a whole, since most of the sane people are just going about their daily lives.

And really, if you compare all the shit that happens in a “normal” relationship to a poly relationship, it’s not that much different.

However, I feel like we have to live at a higher standard. We are more scrutinized. People are watching our every move when it comes to our relationships.

I know when I talk to my Mom about a argument Kate and I might have had, or tell her John is upset with me, that she is blaming it all on the poly thing. She is just assuming that poly is the problem and not we as people.

Or do I really know this? Is it possible that I am being paranoid? Am I expecting to be placed under a magnifying glass, and therefore sensitive about every blemish in my relationship?

Or perhaps my Mom is right and some of the problems in my relationship are poly-related. Perhaps some of the problems I have are because I am poly.

?!?!?!?!?!?! What the fuck!?!?!?!?!?!

Have I just broken some poly rule? Is the parrot keeling over in shock? Did you just get a little twinge of annoyance because I would dare say that poly is the reason for some of my problems?

Astonishing to contemplate, isn’t it?

Think about it.

There are plenty of things that correlate between a poly and a monogamist relationship. Basic issues like time, money, children, and fidelity are all basically the same. Being human, having insecurities, jumping to conclusions and all that kind of stuff is just a part of interacting with others whether we interact with one or more people. But let me present you with some conflicts and ask yourself if the one on one couple ever has these issues pop up…

“Honey, I am just not ready to have you fuck your girlfriend in our bed.”

“I can’t believe you took him to our restaurant. That place was our special place, not yours and mine and his.”

“Sweetie, does she really eat pussy better than I do?”

Okay, maybe those are slightly crude but you get the point.

And let’s not forget the holidays. Where are you spending it? I am spending it at my boyfriend’s wife’s parent’s house. How many monogamists say that?

So, some of my relationship problems are because I am poly. One of the posts I read spoke of a husband who usually spends Friday, Saturday and Sunday with his girlfriend. This time however, he left a day early and came back a day late. Okay right? Well, he didn’t bother to tell the wife about it. And when the wife called to make sure the husband was okay, he said “I can’t talk. I am still with her.”

If that is not specific to polyamory then I don’t know what is. Though the communication part is universal. Every relationship, romantic or otherwise, needs to have communication.

So maybe we shouldn’t -- okay maybe I shouldn’t -- be paranoid and think the world is out to get me. Maybe some shit happens because of the choices I made and if I really want my lifestyle accepted I should stop acting like it’s not. We are all screwy, poly or not.

And just so everyone knows, in the last post, “A Tad Snarky” I mention dog fucking. I would like to take the time to say “I do not condone bestiality or the rape and abuse of animals whether it be sexual or otherwise.” Though I really do like a good steak.

What’s screwy is that we live in a world where I have to tell you that I am not a dog fucker.

A Tad Snarky

2006-11-09T08:04:00.000-08:00

Okay folks, I am going to warn you ahead of time. This post is not going to be Politically Correct. I am not holding back, and my words can even be considered snarky. I am okay with this because my words are not directed at specific people, and I know no one who has engaged in what I am about to get nippy about. I have however, seen people talk about these things in poly forums throughout my internet path.

Here are my poly pet peeves…

1) Do not move in with your new love and your kids the first month you meet them.

This time in your life may be incredibly exciting, but you are being cruel to your kids. If the relationship sours you are hurting the children as well, and most likely will cause a sense of instability in their lives.

The poly thing may already be an issue. Why put them in an instant family when you are not sure you will have to take them away?

Yes, no one can be sure that any relationship will last a long time, but if you have been with a person for six months, they’ve met your kids, they like each other, and everyone has gotten to know each other then you have a far better chance of sustaining a happier life. I know people have been lucky when hopping into things like this, but it is a risk that I would not be willing to take -- and to tell you the truth, I’d probably wait a year or more before having my children live in the same house as my lover, poly or not.

2) Do not think you can keep your lover away from the Primary, Spouse, whatever the hell you are calling them.

Distance only encourages insecurities to flourish. You, as a secondary, need to have consistent contact with the Primary. Ideally, you should be friends with each other. There are some people who have a school of thought that demands lovers be kept from spouses and that may work if the relationship is going to remain on the fuck buddy level, but let me tell you this, IT WILL NOT.

There will come a point where one partner starts wanting more. That more can be anything, and is defined by the Wanter. If the Secondary is single then they will most likely want to have more integration into their lover’s life. And don’t think this is just a needy Secondary thing. The lover, the one who has a spouse/primary, may find themselves wanting more out of the relationship. I mean come on, people get insanely attached to pets and want to make them a part of the family. Why do we think we can maintain a constant level of emotional distance between us and someone we are fucking?

Maybe some of you can, and maybe you can find a partner who can do the same, but most of us are kidding ourselves in this regard.

3) Secondaries, don’t think you can walk into an established relationship and start tossing your weight around.

If you want the relationship to last you have to prove yourself to not only your lover, but your lover’s primary. I have heard secondaries say things like

“She thinks she can rule my life!”

“He places all these rules on me!”

And plenty more along this vein. You know what? Get over it. You have to put in your time and build relationships. Once those are built a lot of the rules will dissipate because a lot of the insecurities of opening a relationship to a new partner will be washed away.

If you can’t handle waiting for more freedoms then find another type of poly relationship. You’d probably do similar things if you were the Primary -- and even if you wouldn’t, you still have to respect the boundaries of a relationship. Limits get stretched after time, patience and trust is built.

4) Do not enter a poly relationship with the hopes that your partner will change their minds about important issues.

If you want to get married, have kids, buy a house with them, live with them, whatever it may be, and they are adamantly saying no, then it is NO. It is especially stupid to enter a relationship with the want of getting married and having kids and expecting your lover to change their minds. Your time is better spent looking for someone who wants the same things.

It’s okay to be up front with a lover about these things. You can want these things and even search for them in another relationship, but do not expect the current lover to change. If they do happen to change their minds then wonderful, but you shouldn’t wait around for it or try to manipulate things towards that end.

5) Do not think you are special because you are poly. You are just as unique as everyone else.

6) Do not think as a Primary that you can have pet lovers. People are real, they have emotions. If you want a pet, buy a dog. Just use a condom when fucking it.

7) Do not think that everyone has to accept your poly lifestyle.

No one has to agree with anyone. There is no grand rule that says we all must agree and those of you who think that everyone “just has to accept you no matter what” are just being silly. The only people who need to accept your polyamory are those involved in the relationship.

Yes, yes, it would be nice if the whole world jumped on the band wagon and we were absolutely accepted. But that world is not here now. If you want it, fight for that kind of world, but do not fight so hard that you become as intolerant as the intolerance you are fighting.

8) Do not think that your poly style is the only poly style.

When you become Lord Dictator of Spinach and All Things Green you can make a mandate as to what polyamory is, until then live and let live.

Safe, Sane and Consensual goes a long, long way.

9) Do understand that there is a difference between short and long term relationships.

Each has to be handled in their own way. Long-term is harder, takes more time, work and commitment than a short-term one. If you can’t or don’t want to put that much effort into a person then float your boat another way.

10) Last but not least, Do not confuse your slutty ways with polyamory.

You can be as ethical as you want, as honest as you want. But do not lie to yourself and use polyamory as your excuse to fuck everyone in your circle. Be honest and call a spade a spade, a whore is a whore.

Please understand at the end of the day I don’t care what you do or even if you agree with me. We all live our lives as we want. And you know what else? The world keeps spinning even when people disagree.

Fidelitous

2006-11-01T09:47:00.000-08:00

How many?

How many loves can you have at one time? As many as you can handle? As many as you have time for?

Right now, I can handle one. I don’t have time to have another lover. John and Kate each have time for two. Snugby? I am not sure. Perhaps one since he doesn’t have another.

But we are assuming that everyone wants a lot of lovers. Do you? I really don’t. I am in a poly relationship, but I really am monogamous.

What the fuck!

Yeah, I really can only have one love at a time. I think so anyway. Right now that is a fact, perhaps in a year I might change my mind.

Wait a minute. I am poly. My boyfriend is married. No wait, that’s adultery. Shit no, because the wife knows about me and, and… fuck, what am I trying to define here?

I am monogamous. I have one romantic relationship at a time. No, perhaps a better term is I am fidelitous. (Is fidelitous a word? If not, I just made it up.)

I am running with that. I am not monogamous in the sense of one man for one woman or what combination you are into. I do think that people can have more than one romantic relationship at a time. I just know that I don’t really have the capacity to focus my attentions on more than one person at a time.

Now, to bring in the whore aspect, I can have sex with another person while I am involved with someone else.

Oh shit, that complicates things doesn’t it? Am I poly or not?

I think first we have to look at what one considers a “relationship”.

I have one ongoing, romantic relationship that I am devoted to. Yet, in that relationship, I am allowed to have sexual relations outside of the relationship. But there are guidelines to that. I can’t just phone up and say “Hey John, I am doing Marge Bucklebottom today. I know you’ve never met her, but…”

And really, it’s not just John I have to consider. There are two more people in the circle. I don’t fuck Snugby, but in the chain of dicks and pussy, whatever disease I get will eventually find its way to him. So, within degrees I have a sexual relationship with Snugby.

Whoa, what am I talking about?

I think I am talking about fidelity in terms of being trustworthy and reliable. I can be trusted to consider those that may be effected by my actions.

In regards to Snugby, it is a matter of STD’s. Then we move on to Kate, she is by degree, closer to me. What I do affects her far more strongly than Snugby. Then we have John, all that I do directly affects him. There is no circumstance in my sexuality that is going to slip by his emotions.

I gauge my actions on how it will affect all three of them. How I perceive those effects varies, but in effect they are the same. Mainly because if I fuck with John’s head it will have a ripple affect on the whole gang.

So really, I have to toss this whole idea that I am monogamous with my polyamory. But you know what I was trying to get at. I don’t sleep around. I am loyal to John and my poly unit. I am fidelitous.

Nothing?

2006-10-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

“They have nothing to lose.”

I’ve told you that I was going to invite my Mother to spend Thanksgiving with me at Kate’s parents home. Well, I did. I asked my Mother what she was doing for Thanksgiving and she said she was probably going to spend it down south with my Step-Father. I asked her how she felt about spending it with me, John, Kate and the boys.

“I don’t think I’d feel comfortable.”

“Why, they are nice people and everyone knows so you wouldn’t have to hide.”

The conversation went back and forth in a polite manner. There was no guilt being passed around, just an honest attempt to assuage fears and understand them.

Finally, when “They are totally cool with all of this,” came up, she responded “They have nothing to lose!”

“What do you have to lose, Mom?”

She didn’t answer me. She had gone into the other room. I didn’t go after her. I remembered how it was when I came out as gay; I knew you just didn’t push stuff like this and arguments against something may not be logical, just emotional.

I dropped the subject and went on with my evening with her. When I got home I thought about what she said. “They have nothing to lose.”

I tried to think of who they were and what was the nothing she was talking about.

They could be anyone of them. They could be Mom and Dad, John and Kate, the boys, Kate’s siblings or parents. They were the family unit, the proper family unit. Okay, so they have nothing to lose because they are only adding to their family, right?

But that is not what she meant exactly. I don’t think she really cares if “They” lose or get anything because the basic reality of it is that she only cares about me. I am her daughter and what she, my Mother, has to lose by going is the possibility that I will have a normal family unit.

By going to Thanksgiving dinner, she legitimizes my poly relationship by becoming a part of it. If she takes that final step and becomes a part of that world, there is no longer this divide reminding me of what is normal and what is not.

Right now, she has accepted the whole poly thing to a degree. She is nice and she gives gifts and she accepts that John, Kate and the boys are a part of my life. She’ll hang out and talk with them and she is civil, even sweet. She treats them pretty much how she treated all of my boyfriends and girlfriends, accepting, but with the knowledge that things are not quite permanent yet.

You know it was easy to draw the line in the past. If I were serious about someone, I’d move in with them or it was possible to get married. There is no concrete line within this poly dynamic. I could move in, I guess, but that isn’t happening. What is happening is she is basically meeting the parents of my boyfriend's wife. If we were a normal couple, that’s akin to the pre-marriage parents meeting parents thing.

All of a sudden it’s not just Thanksgiving dinner. Not to mention it would be in “enemy territory”. Okay, Mom is not bringing an Uzi to dinner, and she is not going to be combative if she decides to go, but she will be surrounded by strangers and in a small way accepting my poly relationship at a higher degree than what she may feel comfortable doing.

In the end, she told me she would think about it. I think the answer is no and I don’t really blame her. If she does say no, I will just ask her again next year.

Taking the Slow Lane For a While...

2006-10-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

Another week of classes kicking my ass. I wish I could concentrate more on the poly stuff, but really I am not at the top of my game in that area. Let’s see…

1. I am going to invite my Mother to Thanksgiving. I’ve been going to Ma and Pa Kate’s for Thanksgiving since I met them. My Mom might actually be in town this year. So, I thought what’s the worst that can happen? (Don’t worry, I knocked on wood when I said that.)

2. John’s parents are coming down for their 50th anniversary. I am not having anything to do with it and I am okay with it. Had this been last year, I’d have been in tears thinking that I was missing out on a real life and real interactions with a normal relationship. But America is no longer a nation of “families.” The traditional family only makes up 49.8% of the population. The 50.2% is made of homosexual cohabitation, heterosexual cohabitation, singles and probably some mix of me.

I am technically single because I live alone, but the whole poly thing skews the numbers. Anyway, for the first time in American history the “traditional family” is not in the majority. That makes my lifestyle as close to normal as it has ever been. I am not a freak. And this also means that a certain Administration's push for a certain agenda is not working as well as they’d hope.

3. We talked a little about moving in together. I am okay with that and I am not okay with that I am scared -- and who wouldn’t be? Moving in together can make or break a couple. But we aren’t just talking about a “couple” here. I’d be moving in with an entire family, and things like “where do I fit in” start coming into play. I have fears like

A. Losing touch with John because we won’t have the same private time we have now.
B. Losing my identity within the family. Meaning, what happens to the role I currently play when it suddenly gets immersed in a dynamic that I am not a part of on a daily basis? Does it change? Does it change for the better?
C. Fear of not having a vote that counts. 4 to 1 is hard to beat.
D. Wondering if Kate and I can really have a station of equality. I am not sure if I could spend my life deferring for her sake forever. I know she will not run all over me, but as it stands I think a lot of why we work is because I don’t push as much for things I want. I always say to myself, “Yhis is their life, this is their home, these are their things…” If I move in all of that will be mine to. At least it will in my eyes.
E. Fear that the only reason we all get along is because I am not there all of the time.
F. Fear of losing all solitude. I need to be alone sometimes. I need a chance to reboot the system in an atmosphere of quiet and a place that I don’t feel caged. I am extroverted to a point. I enjoy company, laughter and discussion, but there comes a point when input becomes overwhelming. When it hits that point I either become irritated and mouthy or I shut down, becoming very, very quiet.
G. Fear of fucking it all up and losing John forever. Even people who love you will go away sometimes.

So, that’s all that is really going on. I am not at the point where I have thought everything through and have something profound to say. I have no magic words to say this or that will be okay. No pep talk for you or for myself this week. I am tired and my optimism has been strained for the past few months. I want not to worry about anything or anyone right now. I want to focus on getting good grades, cleaning my apartment, getting a good night’s sleep and saying hello to my cats. Everything else can just go on until I am ready to hop back into the fast lane.

Love equals Love

2006-10-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

What is love? Are there degrees of it and can you love two people with the same intensity?

I am not getting into the type of love one feels for their children or their pets or even their car. Those are all valid points of love, but hey, we all are really concerned with love in regards to the intimacy between two people. Yes I am only talking about two people right now. I will get into multiplicity later.

First let’s take a look at love. There are two basic types of love. The favorite amongst many is passionate love. That’s the kind of love that makes you catch your breath and long for the focus of your desire. It’s a rollercoaster ride that we all hope ends in a lifetime of happiness and well, sex. Those of us who experience passionate love want to get it on. Again and again, if we can.
Then there is companionate love. This love is not focused on sexuality. It is a deeper love that transcends mere friendship. There is commitment, intimacy and has the same hope for happiness that passionate love wants.
There are more theories and categories of love, the Triangular Love Theory, for instance, has seven levels of love with ideas as to whether or not those include intimacy, passion and commitment. (Liking or friendship, Infatuation or limerence,Empty love, Romantic love,Companionate love,Fatuous love,Consummate love)

But I am heading off into a tangent. So let me crawl right back to the point. Companionate love and passionate love are both legitimate forms of intimacy between two adults. From an American standpoint, companionate love is not as great and reserved for family members and couples who have lost that “spark”. Eastern countries, such as China tend to prize companionate love over passionate love. So, is one better than the other? No, it is all about perspective. It is all about what you consider important.
So, in one sense they are degrees of love. Though “degree” possibly implies a better than/less than mentality. It is healthier to remove oneself from the idea of competition. Poly people especially need to get the idea that one way is better than another in regards to our intimate relationships out of our heads. Different is okay. Different does not mean one is good and one is bad.
I personally think that people periodically shift in and out of passionate and companionate love with the same person. Sometimes this shift is permanent. Sometimes it is induced by other factors in life. Pregnancy, stress at work, and all manner of emotional hardship. ( I know for some, pregnancy has no or very few stress factors.)
If a shift into companionate love is a failure or not is hard to say. This depends on you and your partner and what you deem as perfect love.
And why am I speaking in terms of two on a poly page? Because no matter what, relationships always occur in twos. We may have more than one lover, but each relationship stands on its own. Each has its own dynamic and way of doing things. Each has its own level of intimacy and it’s own level of love.
I am not privy to John's and Kate's intimate details. I might know the last time they had sex or how she or he feels about a compliment or argument, but I am not in the middle of late night cuddles and quiet conversations late into the night. Kate is not in the center of my relationship with John and John doesn’t have his feelers into every aspect of Kate's and Snugby's alone time. There are four of us happening in combinations of twos at all times, even if you are just talking about friendship.
Now we are getting closer to the idea of equality in love. Can one love two things exactly the same? I think it is a common mentality that there is always a number one, that there is not room for two on top, that there is an ultimate to everything, a best…
And maybe there is in some instances. You might have a favorite drink, a favorite chair, a favorite movie. But I’d venture to say that most of us really adore more than one type of beverage, that we can find another chair that feels just as good and that we won’t limit our DVD collection to the one, perfect movie and never own another. I’ve said at least once in this blog that society allows us multiple favorites in every category except people.
Though, how many have been told by your parents that they love you just the same as your siblings? How many of you have told your children the same thing? Is anyone lying?
If it is possible to love so many things to the same degree, why suddenly is the concept hard to understand in terms of people?
Because we’ve been told there can only be one. ( I tried to stay away from the Highlander thing, but couldn’t.) We all believe or have been told that romantic love proves that we are the best at something. We often feel chosen above all others to….what? Have won a prize? What is your love all about? Are you trying to fill some void? Is it some form of validation that you are good enough?
Equality in love exists. It happens all of the time. The only thing that makes it not work is insecurity. If we can surpass that, then all of us can choose to live happy, poly lives.

To Do Otherwise...

2006-10-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

I couldn’t decide what to write about. I started something on my lunch break but lost the energy to finish it. More importantly, I lost my point. There always has to be a point to a entry doesn’t there? Otherwise, I am just babbling. I guess I do babble and rattle away sometimes…

So I have to find a point and I have to find it quick…

Nope, it’s not coming. I am at a loss for words. Glory be, hallelujah, strike the chorus and send out a round of drinks.

What can this mean? Has the well run dry? Has my life gotten so good that there is nothing to say but “I’m happy!”

No, life is not perfect. Life is it’s usual balance of good and bad. Toss in the ugly and I have a move in the make.

Hmmm, my life as a movie…

Boring!

Who wants to see a movie about a kinky, bisexual, polyamorous, bi-racial, ex-lesbian writer?

You know I tried to join an alternative lifestyles ring and I was turned down. Makes me wonder what they consider “alternative” If it involves Fido then they can leave me out, but really aren’t I alternative? Aren’t I freaky deaky? Apparently, I am not alternative enough. Maybe becoming transgendered would help?

Ug. Still no point.

Maybe being pointless is okay every so often. Maybe drifting through a couple of days a year is good. Maybe life doesn’t have to be this huge production. Maybe it’s healthy to turn the lights and camera off and slow down the action.

Maybe it’s okay to be okay. Not too good, not too bad, just just.

You know it kind of feels nice when I think about it. The status quo is happening right now. Right now there is balance. Things have been given, things have been taken and right now I am just enjoying the view.

Isn’t it nice to know that a kinky, bisexual, polyamorous, bi-racial, ex-lesbian writer has room to breathe?

Come on, do it with me….ONE....DEEP….BREATH……hold…..hold……………..

Let goooo….let it all go…..just be and be happy being.

To do otherwise is pointless.

Gather that.

2006-09-26T12:42:00.000-07:00

Why does any one become poly? How many of us fell into it? How many of us decided this was what we were eventually going to do?

I can see a couple waking up one morning and saying “Some day I’d like to have an open marriage.” I can see another couple reach a point where they need something more to fulfill their lives and they don’t think leaving there spouse is part of the equation. I see other couples starting out with the idea that they are poly and just want a little time alone before adding another.

I am sure there are more motivations than I can fathom, but doesn’t it seem easier to comprehend why a couple ends up being poly rather than why a single person joins a poly family?

I fell into polyamory. Though, Wayne and Margo were not my first introduction into it. Or maybe they were.

The other couple I dated once; the husband I dated twice. That was a different thing though. They didn’t want a poly family. They wanted someone to have dates with and fuck. The wife had a boyfriend, In fact, it used to be two couples but the one couple divorced. I was to take the slot the ex left. The boyfriend was Viking cute, but off limits.

Knowing what I know now, it would have been totally wrong for me. If I fell in love with the husband, I would have been kept at arms length and eventually my ability to be a part of them would have eroded. Plus, Wayne gives me something that husband would have never, ever been able to give me.

Anyway, essentially my poly life goes like this…

Met a guy.
He’s married.
I took a chance.
Things were rough.
Things got better
Things were rough.
Things got better.
Things were rough.
Things are getting better…

And I ask myself if I were to leave Wayne and Margo would I be poly again? Poly wouldn’t be new to me this time. I’d know the right and wrong things to do in terms of my needs. I’d be able to tell the next couple that I…

Does it have to be me joining a couple? Couldn’t it be I meet a girl/guy, we fall in love and then become poly?

Hmmmm…

That would give me another scenario as to why a couple becomes poly. But I haven’t really answered my real question.

Why do single people become poly?

Are we afraid of commitment?
Did we just come across it?
Did kink lead us in that direction?
Do we have religious motivations?
Are we bi-sexual and want a little of both?
Were we poly before?
Are we swingers?

Who are you? Why did you? Would you do it again?

Why may not be the most important question to answer. It may be for those of us who are fucked in the head and going around causing havoc. I don’t think there are hordes of us “secondaries” who set out to be poly nor do I think we know why other than we fell in love and took a stab at a different kind of life.

Who are you? Do any of us really know? Aren’t we constantly growing and learning? Who we are is a constant flux. We play roles, enter roles, leave roles, and create roles endlessly.

The greatest question I can ask myself and you is

“Would you do it again?”

Would you go back in time and make the same decision to embark on your poly relationship? If your current relationship ends would you seek another poly relationship as a secondary? Would it be a goal, something you might consider again, something that you would absolutely exclude?

If you can answer that, then I think you have insight to your current relationships. Your answers, I think, will speak of your happiness in your relationships and your ability to continue them.

If I went back in time and was faced with the choice of meeting Wayne or not, I would meet him. I would do it all over again. My only regret is not having better judgment in the onset of our relationship. But then again, our mistakes make us who we are.

If I broke up with Wayne, I would consider another poly relationship. I would not necessarily seek to be a secondary, but I would not remove polyamory as a possibility.

I think I have reached a point that I long to be “normal” but understand that living a standard life is not really me. My longing tends to stem from what I’ve been told what I should and shouldn’t have and how I should obtain these things not from my actual wants and needs.

It’s a hard distinction to make. It takes a long time to get there and once you start understanding, there will be moments of doubt.

I see wedding gowns sometimes and I wonder how it would feel to have a wedding. What would it be like to pick my colors, have a party and have my family and friends celebrate my relationship. I wonder if I would choose a hyphenated name or if I would take my husbands last name as my own.

When I think along these lines, I wonder if these are little girl dreams or my own. What little girl wasn’t told from day one that she would get married, have babies, and live in a big house?

Are these my wants or things I’ve been told to want all my life?

It’s hard to tell and the lines get skewed sometimes. I know one thing I want though.

I want John.
I am happy with him.
Being strong enough to be poly isn’t just about dealing with the people in the relationship. It’s also about being strong enough to deal with the outside world.

So, know what you want and gather your strength from that.

Jumblina: You've Been Warned

2006-09-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

Do you ever lose your faith in polyamory?

I do.

Some mornings it’s just too hard and I don’t care if it goes one or the other. I’ll go wherever the tide takes me.

When I get this way, I don’t think about love or loyalty. I don’t think we should base our life choices solely on those things. I know it is not very romantic to think that way, but does love and loyalty promise happiness?

They don’t. Happiness is not something you can promise to anyone. You can only promise to try to make some one happy or be happy yourself. There are no guarantees.

“There are no guarantees.”

That can be said for anything. But when we look at our lives I don’t think we look for guarantees. I think we look at probability. You pick a mate or mates based on the probability that they will continue to make you happy and that you can be happy with them. Love and loyalty increase the probability of longevity. But there is more to happiness than love and commitment.

Let’s see, what makes me happy about my relationship?

1. Love
2. Loyalty
3. Understanding
4. Shared Interests
5. Feeling of Acceptance
6. Feeling Good When I am with Him
7. Great Sex

And the list can go on.

I didn’t mention the rest of the clan. I did that for a specific reason. Poly does include your lover’s lovers and their family and friends, but sometimes we have to look at the one on one because really, the one on one relationship was the original draw in the first place.

Your lover, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your whatever was/is the main attraction. I am speaking in simple terms of the secondary to primary interaction. Though, you can place your perspective on the idea and still get the main point.

I know a bunch of you just got your panties in a twist because I used the terms “secondary” and “primary.” Get over it. They are merely terms to mark placement. It’s like saying red car, blue car. I am not going to be nicer to the red car because it is not blue. The mere fact that anyone would want me to implies “second class” more so than the actual terminology does.

I am being moody about it because I just had a debate on the words homosexual and oriental being derogatory.

Anyway, I was attracted to Wayne. I wanted to be with Wayne. Getting everyone else was a nice part of the package, but they are not why I started the relationship in the first place. But it is easy to get caught up in all of the other stuff that goes along with being poly.

“Will I get along with the wife?”
“Will the kids like me?”
“Will the parents hate me?”
“What will my friends think?”

I am not saying that these are not legitimate concerns. I am not saying that these things shouldn’t be discussed. I am saying that we shouldn’t forget why we are poly in the first place, the relationship.

My relationship with Wayne has seemed like a struggle with those concerns. I feel like that I am constantly faced with one issue or another. In-law visits. Meeting parents. To have kids or not? To move in or not?

Again, all very very important subjects. Every single one of them should be discussed. Every single one of them needs to have a decisive answer.

But there needs to be a balance. If we spend too much time worrying about everything else why even bother having the relationship in the first place? Why work so hard if we are not going to enjoy what we are working so hard for?

I have had a sense of not seeing Wayne in a long, long time. This of course is absolutely absurd. I have seen a lot of him. I just spent a whole weekend with him. I had a short visit from him and an entire night alone with him as well.

Despite this though, I don’t feel the there was any depth to our time together because my mind has been wrapped up in all of the other things that come along with being with him.

His parents are coming down to celebrate their 50th anniversary. He, Kate and the boys are going to have dinner or something with them and John’s siblings and their families.

I am not exactly unhappy that I am not going. I’ve never met any of John’s other family and I don’t really feel like going through all the awkwardness of coming out to people that are only going to show up once in a while. Plus, coming out would overshadow the celebration and that is not fair to a couple who put in 50 years of marriage. It’s just not pragmatic for me to go.
Still, I can’t help but feel I am missing out on something. My mind drifts off to what it would be like to be married, have kids and have to deal with in-laws and brother and sister-in laws.

I wonder what it would be like to have a normal relationship. I can’t help think with all of the struggles within poly that monogamy would just be easier.

But, there are no guarantees. Monogamy is not a coupon for happiness. The only thing that monogamy will guarantee me is freedom to move about within society. I would not have to hide a thing, not a single thing.

That’s not true. I’d have to hide my kinky side.

To cross over to the other side, I’d have to find another man that has all the traits I love about John. I have to find someone who has the same combination of quirks, interests, intelligence, creativity, and perversions.

How many people find they have to compromise to find a compatible partner anyway? My sister doesn’t like everything about her husband. She is on her second one by the way. My Mom is on her third and #3 isn’t perfect either. But they have compromised.

They have exchanged this for that because they can live without this, but they can’t live without that. Having all of that weighs out not having all of this.

I have looked at my this and that’s and right now I am happy with what I have, for the most part. Things are not perfect. Things need to be worked on. But if something is worth it, you work at it. You don’t skip out just because it gets a little hard.

Now, if it is hard all of the time then it is reasonable to say adios. So as long it is a lot of good mixed in with a little bad I can deal with it. If it hits the opposite with only fleeting moments of happiness then well, I am free to go just like I am right now.

Goodness, I think I lost my point and went all over the place. Here…

Shit happens. Love who you are with. Strive for balance. Create happiness. Leave if it is not worth it.

Did any of that make any sense?

The Road to Perfection

2006-09-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

We had another evening at Marco's. Last year, Kate performed at Marco’s with her belly dance class. I don’t recall the number they did, but they had the fancy costumes and did their thing.

Well, they had the fancy costumes again and they did their thing again, except they did their thing better than they had before.

Hmmm, practice makes perfect?

Ah, you can see where I am going with this and I am inclined to say, nope gotcha! But really, we should take a look at that simple statement.

“Practice makes perfect.”

This statement is not true. Nothing is ever truly perfect. The most beautiful paintings have a skewed stroke, the most perfect body may have uneven limbs, the most alluring voice occasionally cracks under pressure.

But to say that statement is looking for something finite is an error as well.

It is not saying that you must be perfect nor is it saying that what you do, what you want or who you love must be perfect.

The spirit of the “Practice makes perfect” is that what you are now, what you are doing now, what you have now can be better. You can improve on anything you touch until you are happy with it.

And being happy with something is the perfection that should be sought after.

Do you see the difference?

Perfection in its simplest sense means that everyone will like it. There is no room for fault. No single person can say, “I do not like this.” One single judgment against breaks perfection down; it is now imperfect. With the millions of people on this earth, what is the likelihood that everyone will agree that one single anything is perfect?

The only thing we can strive for is personal perfection. I can look at an object and say it is perfect, for me. It satisfies the functionality I think it should have and my aesthetic. In short, it makes me happy.

Golly Gee Jehoshaphat’s!!!!!! Then there should be perfection all around!

What makes you happy? Did the meal you had this morning taste great? Did you enjoy the book you read last week? Do the smiles of your family and friends make your heart beam?

When you look at someone you love do you judge them by your own sensibilities or those around you? Do you let others destroy your perfection?

Think about this. If you like chocolate covered peanuts and I tell you that I hate them, are you going to stop eating them? Are you going to go on a campaign against chocolate peanuts? Or are you going to enjoy them because you like them?

I know we secondaries have a unique struggle. We struggle against what we want and what we are told we should have. Male or female, we are brought up to follow a certain path. We have deviated from that path.

As we move from the paved road onto something much more natural to ourselves, we are constantly bombarded by the convenience of a road well traveled; we are told that things are easier over there. We are told that the path we walk is full of danger and uncertainty. We are told that our lives are imperfect and that the concrete road will lead to perfection.

If we are happy walking a certain path then we should continue. Perfection is only what you make of it and it is far from universal. The human race cannot agree on the perfection of the mind, the body, or the divine. You only have a chance of attaining perfection within and with the ones you love. So practice at what makes you perfect.

In short, if your relationship makes you happy and your partner(s) are happy then screw the world’s view of the perfect relationship, the perfect life’s choices and practice your own definition of perfection. Or is it happiness that I am talking about?

(You do deserve it, you know.)

Tellin' Daddy

2006-09-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

My Father sent me an e-mail the other day. It’s how we communicate these days. The era of written letters and Sunday afternoon phone calls is gone. It’s not a bad thing. We are still in communication. Somehow though, the interaction is watered down.

I haven’t fought this trend. In fact, I have encouraged it.

So what’s the deal with that?

I am hiding.

Daddy doesn’t know that I am poly. At least I don’t think he does. If he ever decided to Google my name this page might pop up.

(Okay, I know it will. I’ve Googled myself.)

As far as I know though, Daddy doesn’t know a thing. As far as he is concerned his once lesbian daughter is now getting dick. I don’t think it has or will occur to him to delve deeper into the ins and outs of how the relationship is structured.

At least not as long as I keep him at arm’s length.

Sooner or later he is going to start asking about John. What does he do? Where did you meet? Does he have kids? Are you going to get married? Can I expect grandchildren from you?

“Well, Daddy I ummmm…”

I decided a couple of years ago that I would not tell my Dad about the situation. I don’t see him very often and he lives in another state. I saw no reason to bring up the potentially volatile subject. My Mom knows. My sister and all of my friends know. So it’s not like a lead a dual life shrouded in secrecy. Been there. Done that. I didn’t spend too long as a closeted lesbian.

Actually, my poly life is more hidden than my homosexual one ever was.

Why is that?

Mainly because of me.

I see no reason to tell my co-workers. I don’t have to cover “she” with “he” or make up a pseudonym for John. I don’t have to call him Jenny and pretend he is a girl when he is not. I pretty much call him my boy-friend and leave it at that.
Maybe years from now people will wonder why we never got married, but more than likely they won’t bring it up. People are accepting of relationship choices as long as they are relatively normal.

My co-workers won’t ask, but my Father eventually will.

I have thought about taking John with me on a visit and pretending that Kate and boys did not exist. I have even thought of telling him the truth and taking Kate and the boys along on that same trip.

I have thought up of lies to cover the truth. I have thought up of arguments to defend my choices. I have even thought up of ways to thoughtfully tell the truth.

But I do not want to do any of it. I don’t want to lie and I don’t want to tell the truth.

I want my Dad to go on believing that his wild daughter is finally normal. I want him to think that I have become the girl he has always wanted me to be and am getting all of the things out of life that he thinks I should. I want him to believe these things in a manner that suits his sensibilities. I don’t want to argue that I am getting the things I want. I don’t want to defend my choices. I don’t want to fight to be me.

Yet, I don’t want to omit my Father from my life either. He is missing out on knowing about the great people in my life. He is missing out on them and he is missing out on me.

Perhaps if this were the first bomb I dropped on him, I would do it without fear. But it is not.

He has always loved me and accepted me for who I am. I know that he will come to terms with my choices.

I am just so tired of having to educate and train and be patient and basically work for acceptance and tolerance. I am tired of arguing and defending. I am tired of what feels like a constant battle.

Right now his ignorance is a reprieve. It is a moment of quiet.

I want to enjoy the silence.

Sometimes silence feels so good. It is warm, comforting and peaceful.

Sometimes it screams though, louder than anything I am afraid to say.

When and if I tell my Father, I will have to ask myself am I telling him for me or for him?

Is ignorance bliss or is knowledge a door to many wonders?

Perceptions

2006-08-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

to exercise restraint or direction over
to hold in check; curb
to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of
To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct
To adjust to a requirement; regulate
to exercise restraining or directing influence over esp. by law

Yep, I have taken a trip to the dictionary, the Bible of my life. Okay, I went to Dictionary.com because I am too lazy to flip pages, but the result is the same. I now have a string of words that don’t quite explain the original word, control.

In the last few days I have used the word control to explain what I am out of. I am out of it and you know, you can’t pick up control at the store or order it on-line. EBay does not sale control. Well, if I were looking for flea meds I might find something, but that is not what I am seeking.

I am seeking the jumble of words at the top of this entry.

I feel out of control. I feel like my relationships are out of control. I feel like my life is out of control.

I say that, but I don’t really know what that means.

I know that the last week has found me incredibly sad. I feel like I have lost something. I am being told that I haven’t and the Spock in me tells me that this is true. But there are no bones about it. I can’t feel what I think I am supposed to.

I am not in control of my emotions. I cannot curb irrational thought. I cannot restrain landslides of thought that send me into tears.

Someone close to me told me to face my emotions. They told me I run away from them far too much and I need to learn to deal with them. I don’t think I heard do it in little bits. I don’t think they imagined what was behind the door I opened.

So now I am trying to exercise some kind of authority over myself. I am trying to restrain me.

I wish it were as simple as it sounds.

“Restrain me.”

Ropes, chains, cuffs, a locked door.

Dominion over the physical is easy.
But we are not talking about hands and feet. We are not talking about arms, legs, mouths or even eyes.

We are talking about the mind.

How do you restrain that?

I say that I need to control my emotions, my relationships, my life. But is control what I am really after? If I had it, what would I do with it?

I’d make everything stable. I’d make everyone happy. I’d make the world spin around in cuddly smiles. I would, I would, I would…

But we are back again to having control, getting control.

Maybe that is the wrong thing to seek. Maybe control isn’t the answer to anything. Maybe control is just an illusion and what I should be after is perception. Because why would I need control of anything if I am happy with the world?

If I see the world as stable, if I see everyone being happy, and I see us all spinning with cuddly smiles aren’t I getting what I wanted?

And maybe that is where control lies. Hmmmm…..

Have you seen the Eight of Swords? You have because it is up there.(I'm sneaky.)It is of the Rider-Waite Tarot deck. It is a picture of a woman bound and blindfolded in a pool of water and she is surrounded by eight swords. Sounds pretty harsh doesn’t it?

At first sight the situation looks dire, but if you look really, really closely you can see that the woman though bound and unable to see isn’t bound to anything but herself. Further inspection shows you that those swords are not blocking her way at all, she is surrounded by them, but that is all. She is not even in the water, just above it.

She is physically bound, but perceptually she is actually free to move about. The only thing that is stopping her is her perception that she is not free to move. She thinks she is not in control of her own situation, but she is.

It is all about perception.

So in all of my rantings and raving about everything and everyone else around me, I have to start with me. First I have to clear the muddy waters of my thoughts. When I can do that, when I can see again, I will know that the water isn’t really deep, the swords are not too sharp and it’s kind of fun being bound anyway.

Goodness, I feel spinning cuddly smiles already!!

(Kate, I am sorry. I love you. You are my sister.)

Not Today, I'll be Happy Tomorrow Or Fuckin' Asians

2006-08-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

It’s probably a bad day to write; I am not feeling entirely happy today. But I have school now and it is today or never.

What is bothering me? What is on my mind? I want to tell you and I don’t. It is about us, the three of us or is it the four of us, whatever the us we are.
I am frustrated by the constant strain of uncertainty. I feel pulled in so many directions. Loyalty sends me one way and guilt pulls me right back. And the worst part about all of this is none of it, absolutely none of it concerns a decision that I have to make. My only choices are stay or go. Other than that I am standing in the middle of other people’s storms.
I love the rain. I love the sound of thunder and the sight of arced electricity racing over the sky. Right now I feel battered by the rain and the thunder is too loud. And sometimes the lighting looks like it’s cutting into the night sky.

What am I talking about?

Everything.

And nothing.

What is the end of the world today is the start of another one tomorrow.

By the end of the day, everything will seem all right. I will be calm and in the morning the sounds of birds will be sweet to my ears.

Right now, they grate across my nerves leaving frayed bits to wither on the ground.

I am just feeling life and I am feeling out of control.

I think the worst part of not being the one who is married and not being the one with the kids is being the one that doesn’t feel tethered to anything.

If a tsunami comes by, John and Kate will have something to cling to. They will have something to bind them. I have nothing but words and how easy are words lost in a gale? Could you hear me scream if the wind is wailing? If I am struck by lighting would you hear my tiny voice when the thunder sounds?

I feel so absolutely small in all of this. I feel so absolutely insignificant. I feel the focus is nowhere on me. It is all about trying to fix the things that are broken.

That would be fine, but every time it’s put back together it always seems to fall apart. Each time the cracks are more noticeable and the glue is thicker. Each time we think, this time it will work. This time it will stay true.

I want to believe that. I want to with all of my heart, but I am afraid to trust it. I am afraid I will pick it up and it will cut me as it bursts.

It already has once. What’s to stop it from doing it again?

Not me.

This has nothing to do with me.

None of my yes’s, no’s or maybe’s will sweep up the pieces.

I can’t do anything.

I am not a part of it.

Then why am I here?

Why am I running in circles?

Why do I have to go through this?

What do I get from trying to fix something that has nothing to do with me?

Guilt, pain, sorrow?

I even feel guilty for complaining about it.

I was told never to complain when I was a child It makes you look ungrateful. It makes you look spoiled. It dishonors those who have tried.

Fuckin’ Asians.

Happy First!!!

2006-08-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

Suddenly it’s a Year!!!!

Wow! Can you believe it? One year ago today, I posted the piece “Suddenly Poly”. I wanted to be a voice for the voiceless. I thought I was on some kind of crusade. That crusade became work in the middle of it and I wanted to drop the whole thing, but then there was noise coming from that dark expanse in front of me and someone said ‘Thank you”. People started popping up here and there letting me know that I said something that touched them, spoke to them, or I helped them to better understand something that they have always known. Those voices are not throngs of people, but one or two is just enough.

“If I can help just one person…” Okay, slap me down you sarcastic bitches! But it’s true. I really feel that way. Even though all of this was happened because I wanted my own voice. I had no where to go. I’d seen all of the poly stuff and there wasn’t really anything that addressed my place in all of it. So this blog became my way of thinking things out; it was therapy god-damn it and the cheapest, healthiest form I could muster. Then the “Avenger “ in me took over.

Though, I don’t really know what I was avenging other than the popular view of what poly is.

Okay, okay…I know this is a small piece of the internet not even a crumb of it really. I have maybe 480 hits a month and a lot of those are people who meant to turn left in Albuquerque. But I am going to toot my own horn anyway. “Toot! Toot!”

Anyway, thank you for reading. Thanks to those who have taken the time to tell me I am doing okay. I know anonymous validation shouldn’t make me feel that good, but it does. After all, the words you see before you are straight from the heart.

Happy First Birthday Poly Blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(What is that saying about the “terrible twos’?)

Franklin Covey is Crack (Changes would be a more appropriate title)

2006-08-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

We are about to embark on new territory. Well, new for me.

Snugby and Kate are winding down their breakup.

Winding down?

Yeah, I know it is hard for the masses to comprehend a breakup that intentionally lasts a few months. Most of us are used to the slamming break that leaves you crippled from sheer shock. Or the kind that limps along with all parties ignoring the fact that the relationship has already ended.
Nope these two have sat down, talked it out and even have a relative timetable for all of the goings on surrounding it. This is what happens when you give polyamorous adults day planners. I swear for some of these types Franklin-Covey is a pseudonym for crack.

Anyway, we were talking about new territory…

Once all is said and done and the breakees have finally settled the breakup that will apparently be commemorated with a final romantic who-ha in some undisclosed locale, Margo will eventually begin looking for a new lover. I say Kate, but in reality, “We” will be looking for a new lover. Of course this will all be guided by Margo’s wants, needs, and the day planner, but we will also have some say in it. How much say is another matter.
John will have veto rights as befits his husbandly status. I will at least voice my opinion whether anyone likes it or not. This sounds all fine and dandy, but I have never done any of this before.

What happens if I can’t stand the guy? What if he walks through the door and every one likes him, but me? I am not going to be fucking him, but I will have to sit across from him and have dinner. I will have to pretend to respect his opinion and laugh at all of his dumb jokes and…

Am I jumping to conclusions? Should I be creating trouble when there is none?

Ummm, actually yes.

Kind of.

I shouldn’t assume that Kate will bring some dolt home. No, I should not assume that Kate will settle for some dumb ass. She might bring a few butt munches home and then toss them back.
However, it doesn’t hurt to look at some of the possible complications. Looking at the possibilities and talking about how we would like to handle them can save us some time later. Plan, plan, plan…..day planners are starting to sound better by the moment.

It should be determine how much say I have in all of this. Kate should give me guidelines on what she wants from me in regards in the choosing of her new love. I should also bring to the table issues that are important to me.

No, I am not going to grill the poor man to death and it is understood that we are talking about Kate’s relationship, not mine. But if I have a good relationship with the new guy then it will be easier on everyone. After all, this is my family too.

Ah, so many winding roads, so many things to think about, so many possible wrongs and rights. How much power should a secondary have in all of this anyway?

The answer to that depends on the structure of the group.

If I only saw John once in a while and the rest of the family never, then I shouldn’t give a second thought on the matter. To cut it short the more frequency the more say.

But really that is only one aspect to the answer. The degree of intimacy also matters. Kate and I are not lovers. If we were, I’d want veto rights. So, who am I to Kate?
I guess I am a sister. Hmmm… I wouldn’t give my sister any room to guide who I’d pick for a lover. But then, my sister doesn’t spend a whole lot of time with me. My sister doesn’t have a romantic relationship with my husband. My sister doesn’t play part time parent to my kids. My sister doesn’t spend half of the week sleeping in my house.

So, am I really just a sister? If I am something more what is that more?

Poly is rarely ever clean cut. There is always something jagged to the edges of the discussion. Subjects cross over normal boundaries. We find ourselves in places of discomfort, but having those tasks a necessity to the longevity of the relationships.

Poly is hard. Relationships are hard. But happiness is worth it. Besides, two conversations down the line, this will all have been a breeze. Trepidation causes more trouble than actuality. So, everyone get out their day planners. It’s time to talk.

http://www.franklincovey.com/fc/index.jsp?

What Is.

2006-08-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

In our fight to become a part of something, sometimes we lose our selves in it. I think that is what happened to me.
I had a life of my own before I met John. I was living alone and by my own rules. Yeah it was for only a year or so, but it was enough time to gain a sense of freedom and get used to the idea that I didn’t have to worry about anyone but me. It was the only time in my life that I didn’t have to consider anyone.
There’s a freedom in that. I watched what I wanted when I wanted. I hogged the computer all day long. I’d get up and not shower for hours. I could paint the bedroom green, leave dishes in the sink, and walk around nude in the middle of the day. I could fart without a single worry. Actually, I still can. I still live alone, but that alone is different.
Monday through Thursday I pretty much live as how I described above,pootin’ away as I walk through the kitchen. Friday night I get together with Wayne, sometimes Saturday. I spend the rest of the weekend with the family. I do have the occasional mid-week visit, but generally life seems to stop when I am at home.
In some ways this has always been the case with me. I don’t like to spend late nights out when I have to get up early the next day. Sleep makes me nicer to talk to and quite frankly, I am not a spring chicken anymore. I am at the age in my life where a good night’s rest means more to me then partying all night.
So, I have always tended to bulk up my socializing on the weekends. Now with John and Company, I don’t see much of my other friends. This is not the sole fault of the relationship though.
It seems when I hit 30, all of my friends slowly slipped away. They found jobs in other cities. They got married and started building families. They all got caught up in that thing we call life. I did too, but it has always been hard to see because my life doesn’t match the standard model.
I didn’t realize that I was doing what so many people do at my age, lose their identity. Or are we just growing up and getting confused by the process?
Whatever it is, we start becoming Moms, Dads, Supervisors, Sister-in-laws, Husbands, Wives, and all of the other roles life puts us in. Then we discover that we aren’t kids anymore. We are becoming those adults we thought we’d never be.
Most of us probably thought there would be some kind of revelation and maybe there is for those who have taken on traditional roles. But for those of us who aren’t all those things we are supposed to be, it’s hard to see that milestone; we skipped the rights of passage that our society offers and chose something different. Though that difference is slight, it makes all the difference in the world.

Some of us live on the outskirts of relationships never quite committing to the idea that we are a part of something. Others flit from person to person exchanging lovers as they would exchange recipes. Then there are those of us have chosen to enter into the prefab family world of poly.
Not too many of us have handy roles available. Those of us who don’t have kids, who aren’t married usually wing it until we find something that feels right.
Winging it can be a struggle. It is very hard to give our roles definition when we don’t have a model to look at. Some of us never quite grasp who we are supposed to be.
We can get caught up in the struggle and focus to the point that we become the struggle. We become this person who is trying to be something; we get stuck in a limbo of self discovery.

You know, the idea behind discovery is the idea that you will find something.

I think some of us find ourselves quickly, but can’t accept our findings because they doesn’t fall into the norm or into the vision we had for ourselves. So we toss it away and look for something else, something that we assume will be better. We fail to accept who we are and fail to see the joy in what we have.

In the poly world, this is easy to do. It is hard enough to live normally, add all this poly stuff and it can be overwhelming. We have so many things telling us we should be this way or that. Music, movies, books, family, friends, ourselves are all culprits.

I’ve lost self in my own struggle. I’ve been angry about not being what is considered normal. I found my puzzle too hard to put together and started blaming first my life choices then those around me. Then somehow it all got skewed and I started becoming unhappy with what makes me happy.
So, I have been sifting through my life. I have piles of things I don’t want. Things I do. I have a little bit of this that tells me who I was and a little bit of that that shows me bits of who I am. I am getting rid of all the stuff that tells me who I should be because it doesn’t reflect my ultimate goal in life, to be happy.
I am gonna toss my pain, my sorrow, and a few things from my past out along with it. Shit is gonna happen sooner or later, so I don’t need all of that old crud hindering my ability to get through things.
You know I am finding that I clean up pretty well and when this is all said and done, I think I’m gonna really like what I find. I will be happy if I allow myself to be.

So who am I? I am not sure if I can label myself. I am not sure if I should really try to tack a name to my forehead. That sounds like it might hurt. Besides, I should really accept what is before I try to name it.

Monsters in the Pool of Love

2006-07-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

I got jealous this weekend, pissy jealous in fact. It was a very odd feeling and one that hit me subtlety at first then sent me into a rage. Maybe rage is too strong of a word, but I certainly was angry, so much so that I yelled at John for being nice to me.

We all went swimming. Kate, John, Dragonboy, Zeb and I were super happy cool in the public pool. The boys did their thing and the three of us lounged about in the pool and yammered away. Sounds pretty nice doesn’t it? It’s 100 plus degrees and we are smiling in the pool.
Kate was being incredibly affectionate to John. She was kissy facy and very playful. I was happy to see it because I hadn’t seen it in a while. Kate ran off for a bit and I tried to be playful too. Not too much, but a little. John pushed me away. Well, that is how I saw it at the time. Later I would understand that it was a misunderstanding, but at the time I took it as rejection.
Kate came back and started up again. I wasn’t as happy about it this time. I now saw it as something she could do and I couldn’t. I smiled along and played the good sport, but she kept being happy and very affectionate. I now felt like I shouldn’t be there. I felt like I was intruding on their intimacy. I started losing my “family” feeling.
I distanced myself a little, but not too much. I was still in the vicinity. They were caught up in each other and I felt awkward. So, I looked away. I would look over occasionally and they’d smile and so forth, but by now I felt excluded and worse I felt like an intruder. So, I swam away.
It is here when things got bad for me. All of my issues about being a secondary started popping up.
I didn’t feel like I could be affectionate in that public place. The boys were there and I didn’t know who knew them or didn’t. I didn’t want to hang all over John and embarrass them. Plus, Wayne had pushed me away earlier.
Now I had swam away and nobody stopped their behaviour. Now, what had been just been my irrational emotions felt like an attack. Nobody came to me at first. It felt like they didn’t care if I was upset. I thought about all of the times that John has raced to make sure that Kate was okay, happy. He seems to fall over himself trying to make things better when she is upset. It made me feel second to such a degree that I was last, last on every list.
So I cried over at the edge of the pool and would turn around and see them smiling. I stopped looking over. I stopped crying. By the time John came over all that was left was anger. He tried to be helpful but it was too late. I was past upset. Rational thought was gone.
He was kind. He was sweet. He tried to make me happy. But I didn’t want to be the only one rejected so I said “ Go be with your wife.” I said wife like it was a nasty word. I said it like I would say “fuck you” and I was saying fuck you. I was saying fuck you for flaunting the ability to look normal while I have to hide. Fuck you for being happy when I can’t be a part of that happiness. And I was saying fuck you for not being just mine.

Yeah.

Thinking that is breaking a rule isn’t it?

Don’t tell me you’ve never thought of that. Don’t tell me that it has never crossed your mind. Don’t tell me that when you are hurt by your poly world that you don’t think monogamy would be easier and suddenly poly is just too much. It weighs too much and crushes you down until you feel like nothing and all of the sudden that piece of paper you say means nothing means everything in the world because it feels like protection. It feels like a barrier against all the pain and fear of being tossed away because someone has grown tired of you being a part of their family.

It’s okay to think it. It’s okay for it to cross your mind. It is only betrayal when you decide to act destructively upon it.

Like I said, when I swam away things got worse and I floated in a wild tangent of pain and began to quickly sink into fear and sorrow. If I had said something to John right then and there I would have been fine. If I had accepted John’s attempt to soothe me I would not have wasted an hour of happiness.
Instead, I lingered in the muck. I tortured myself with all kinds of fantastic thoughts. I didn’t give credit to the people that loved me. I made them monsters to justify my feelings.
Pride kept me in that state of mind longer than I wanted. It made walls so high that I couldn’t see anything but the world standing against me.

Does the world really stand against any single person? Does the world really care what one person does? Who am I that the world would want to pay attention?

Insecurity, self-doubt, depression are all arrogant expressions. They scream “ME! Me! Me!” but when you are in the middle of that pain it feels like “please look at me because I know no one is paying attention. I feel lost and I need to see you look at me so I can follow your eyes home.”

That’s what we really want right? We want home. We want to feel at home. Home is the place that you are accepted for who you are. Home is the place where you can fuck up and they will still love you. Home is where your family is.

Home was looking right at me. Home was waiting for me to look.

Jealousy happens amongst all of the other shit. It doesn’t matter if you are into poly or monogamy, things are going to happen. Your perception of reality might shift and shade the world in grief. You have to own up to yourself, talk it out and be a part of the force that gets you back on the right track. If you don’t, home will fade into the scenery and you will not find your way back.

We got home and we talked. It was very hard for me because I still, after all this time have trouble voicing my anger to Kate. Kate has no issue accepting my words. I just have issues with saying them. I’ll work on it.
After a bit of discussion we decided that I was being stupid. (Easy for them to say; hard for me to admit.) And we apologized. Yes, Kate apologized too. She didn’t do anything wrong, but apologies are not always acceptance of fault. Sometimes they are validation that pain was felt and that the pain was not intentional. They are, at the very least closure on an incident, a way for everyone to leave a situation feeling better. Feeling better should outweigh placing fault in situations like these.

P.S. Zeb found out why I was upset. He told Kate and John that it was okay for me to be affectionate to John in public. I forget how smart and together those boys are.

...She Gave Me Crazy,Crazy, Crazy Love...

2006-07-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

How do you define commitment in polyamory? Torn down to the basics, a commitment is just a promise to do something. That something can be anything. You can commit to going to school, going to a party. You can commit to a business deal. You can commit yourself to finishing a task or you can commit yourself into a hospital.

Sometimes I feel like the latter.

In monogamy we can easily define that “promise to do something.” It’s usually marriage right? Maybe buy a house, toss in a pet, maybe rip out a few kids along the way. It’s the American dream isn’t it? A big house, 2.5 kids and Fido bringing the morning paper up the steps.

But polyamory deviates from that norm. We are deviants.

Ick. That sounds a little too unstable.

“Deviant.”

What the hell does that mean anyway? Simply speaking it means ten of these things are the same and one of them is not.

Is that necessarily a bad thing?

Nope, it’s not.

It can be though, but I’m not here to talk about in-depth pathology.

Pathology?

I mean this in the most general sense. I am not a doctor of medicine or psychology and the word really means far more than in the way I am using it. I am using it for the connotation of something that varies from the norm. Perhaps, varying from the “proper” would be more clinically correct. In any case, I am implying crazy.

Because that is how most of the world sees polyamory. With that, they see the idea of commitment within polyamory as unrealistic. And with that, some of us do to.

Are we crazy for wanting to be committed?

Nope.

If we didn’t want commitment maybe then we’d be crazy.

I know I want to have faith in my relationships. I want to know that my family will be there for me. I want to feel safe in promises of love and acceptance. I want the commitment of those I love, to me.

What’s crazy about that? And why can’t I have that outside of the norm?

I can have that because promises don’t have to be placed on paper. Promises are placed in the trust of two people. Or is it three, four or five?

Just because something is not considered normal or proper, or even sane doesn’t mean it’s not. It sure as hell doesn’t automatically mean it deserves less or is capable of less. All it means is that most people don’t do it. And really, most people just might not be capable of it.
And I don’t mean to imply that poly folk are somehow advanced. We are not. We are just like everyone else, sort of. We have a few slight variations, but we basically all want the same thing. We want to be able to love who we want, how we want and feel good doing it. We want our promises to each other kept. We want commitment as we define it.

No, no, no not crazy at all.

BIting Down: A Personal Pity Piece. Ug, How sad.

2006-07-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

I’ve spent the past weekend pretty much by myself. I liked the solitude of it all. I rented three movies without a single thought if anyone else would like them. I ate breakfast at noon without concern if anyone else was hungry. I spent the day half nude not worried if anyone was offended. I did these things and thought how wonderfully blissful it feels to be that free.

That was Saturday.

Sunday I woke up and the house was too quiet. I don’t recall the last time I woke up on Sunday without the sounds of people. I live by myself four to five days a week and I never noticed the silence because I was rushing off to work through it all.

Sunday, I had nothing to do. Sunday stood still and quietly hummed nothing for hours. I did my dishes, checked my e-mail, and played with my cats. Still the day murmured slowly behind me. I could not find the rhythm of the day.

Monday came along and I missed my family. I missed hearing little voices fighting over video games. I missed the rush of a million things to do. I missed feeling a part of something.

I look back this Tuesday afternoon and know I filled my weekend with chores and visiting friends I hadn’t seen in months. I went out with my little brother for the first time in years. My weekend wasn’t a loss. I did not sit and stew in misery, but somehow it wasn’t as great as all the others.

Somehow I was different. Something inside me has changed.

I have often wondered if I spend too much time up the hill playing family with John and Kate. I’ve thought about cutting back and becoming more separate. I’ve thought it would be easier on Kate since things are changing with she and Snugby. I’ve thought that it would fix all of the other things that have been wrong.

I’ve thought that and there are moments I think that I am right. But then there are moments that I feel that I am wrong.

I wish that I had a guide to follow. I wish I could pick up a book or turn on the TV. and someone could tell me what I am supposed to do.

But no one can tell me what is right. Not Kate. Not John. It’s all a guessing game.

And I feel lost inside of it.

If you were telling me this I would tell you to talk it out. I would tell you to sit with your family and talk until you found an answer, if you were telling me this.

Funny how things change when you are on the other side.

I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to sit and face anything. I just want it fixed with twitch of my nose, a blink of my eye. I know that I can have all the spasms I want and nothing will change until I do something about it.

But I’m not ready yet. I will bite down and hope I don’t swallow my tongue.

They have and They Haven't

2006-07-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

The Fourth of July was weird. It wasn’t really any different from any other family night we have had, but I somehow feel it should have been.

We all went to see a fourth of July fireworks show. We have gone every year since I have been with John. This time though, for the first time actually, Ramon was with us. That is a good thing, but is also is an odd thing.

Let me explain…

Snugby has always been aloof in regards to the “family” aspect of our poly unit. There was a time that that was an issue that seemed to create a rift in our group. In that regard there was always a sense of “otherness” towards Snugby. You know, a one of these things is not like the others kind of thing. I think this aspect has always prevented John and Snugby from growing closer and building a better relationship. But that is another post.

Now, this was not an intentional separation. Snugby chose this because he needed the distance. He never really wanted the family thing with us because he wanted the family thing on his own, like the rest of the world does. He wants a wife and kids that are his, not ones that are shared. We talked about this and worked through our group feelings of not being wanted by Snugby. We understood that it was not a statement against us, but an act of sobriety on his part. He was keeping his distance so he could leave.

Well, that time has come. Kind of.

Kate and Snugby are in the process of breaking the sexual part of their relationship. They are attempting to move to friend and business partner mode. This is a huge undertaking and the success of it is in question, but then success of anything always is.

This idea that Kate and Snugby have is not an absolute failure. Because of the social dynamics of poly and the fact that secondaries play so many roles that are not hard lined defined by normal societal standards, it can happen.

Secondaries are mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, sisters, brothers, friends, lovers, husbands, wives, and so forth in varying degrees , to the same people all at once. The definition of our roles in poly families is hard to place. The definition blurs on the edges and it isn’t hard to mesh one definition into another. You cannot define us by words, but by feeling. Moments and interaction define us, not the dictionary.

So having said that, Ramon can become something else to Kate. But Snugby also has to become something else to the rest of us. And he has.

In the past few months Snugby has become closer. We interact with him better and he is more apart of the family than he has ever been. You can translate cause and effect as you will, but the reality is this. We have grown closer to Ramon just as he has decided to pull away.

So here we are on the Fourth of July going about as if nothing has changed. But hasn’t it? Aren’t we in the process of changing? Isn’t there a metamorphosis going on not only between Kate and Snugby, but Snugby and the family? Are we not embarking into new territory?

How are we supposed to define something that wasn’t really defined in the first place?

Snugby and Kate will be able to decide what the new boundaries are. I suspect they will go about it just like any couple who “breaks up” amicably. It might be rough; it might not. That all depends on their ability to understand what interactions defined their romantic relationship and remove them until they are “just friends”. Love, however, will skew those lines and their personal couples world is going to be weird for a while.

But this isn’t just about Snugby and Kate. It is also about the rest of us. Zeb, Dragonboy, John and I also have to change our outlook on who Snugby is. We too have to remove “boyfriend”, “lover”, and “husband” from that ever fluctuating definition of Snugby. Doing so effects how we see all of those other things. Uncle, friend, brother…

Even though the rest of us didn’t have a romantic relationship with Snugby, we still have to remove that shade from the blend of colors that make up how we see him. In some ways we are all breaking up with Snugby. We can only hope that in the end we do not lose the proximity that we currently have; it seems a shame to take the time to build something just to lose it all together.

So, things have changed, but they haven’t.

Mine

2006-06-29T12:21:00.000-07:00

This is my family…

ZEB…

It is a wonder to see a boy transition into a man. It would seem a slow hard process and maybe it is. I can’t see it though. What I do see is the emergence of a confidence that will bind Jeb’s intelligence, creativity and gentle nature into a man that women will fall for over and over again. With his good looks he has the potential to be every Father’s nightmare, but somehow I think he will be every Mother’s dream. We can only hope that it doesn’t go to his head.

Dragonboy…

Little boy. Big Boy. Dragon boy is so many things wrapped up in a tiny package. He has more energy that his body can handle. He is a burst of joy, sweetness, and savvy. He has the righteousness of a child who thinks he’s the first to discover everything and is not afraid to voice his opinion, a feisty child to say the least. But just when you think he needs to be put in his place, he says the kindest things. He knows when you need a hug and delivers smiles just at the right time. As far as being opinionated, sometimes he is right, sometimes. ;)

Margo…

Margo can be a tempest or a gentle calming rain. Her life has brought her varied experiences, some glamorous, some painful, some filled with the greatest joy. She has used her creativity to work with the famous, the ordinary, and the odd. She can be seductive or sweet and transition from lover to mother to friend with ease. She knows who she is, what she wants and strives to live her dreams.

Ramon…

Mr. Aspiring. I say this jokingly as I know he wants to write and is working towards that goal. I can also call him Mr. Organized, Mr. Gadget, and Mr. Clean. A gardener, a great cook and a good friend, Ramon is that tender smiling soul sitting quietly in the corner listening intently. You think he is not paying attention, but he is. He is busy cataloguing the scenery, waiting for that right moment to say a word and he will. He’ll say something cute. He’ll say something kind. He’ll say something to brighten the moment, a moment he will choose.

Wayne…

*giggles* What can I say about a man that has shown me love that I haven’t said a thousand times already? I love him with all of my heart. I can’t imagine the world without him in it. Gentle, kind, loving, witty, intelligent, creative, romantic, sexy are not good enough. I will have to sit and create words to define him. When I find them, I will write them softly on paper and keep them close to my heart.

And me, well. I'm just me.

No Matter How You Look At It

2006-06-20T12:39:00.000-07:00

There is much going on with my poly family. We are all over the place in terms of transitions. We don’t know if we are falling apart, becoming something different or staying the same.

This is all a matter of perspective, though. Who is who and what is what is seen from so many different eyes that some of the chaos we are going through is not chaos at all.
It is the same ol’ same ol’.

We will have to make time to sit and talk about things; it’s nice to be on the same page when shit hits the fan. We might not be able to solve anything, but we can at least start a path towards it. Sometimes that path though, seems like a long, long road.

The things that are going on right now are no surprise. We’ve seen some of it already. It’s been tossed about, analyzed to death and then set in the background.

Fruition though, is an odd thing.

You can talk and talk and talk about something and when it finally happens, you realize you may not have thought of everything. So no matter how much you thought you’d be prepared, you just aren’t.

We are definitely a cyclic bunch. So like I said, we have talked about much of this stuff before. We do it in twos, threes, and fours. Each issue, each problem varies in crisis level. Sometimes it is just a matter of time. I want more of this; I want to go here on that day, I want, I want…

But then there are the big issues, the kind that runs up and punches you in the gut. They are life changing. These are the ones that seem to find their way into the spotlight, but then slowly evaporate into the mix of things. These are the ones we are reluctant to move forth on.

That same ol’ same ol’ I mentioned is comfy.

It’s like a cozy bed. You know you have to get up and start the day, but the moment you move the covers aside the cold sets in. You have a moment of hesitation. Do you stay or do you go? How many minutes are wasted arguing the point? How many of us crawl right back in a wait a few minutes more? How many of us realize that the arguing kept us in bed longer than we should have been?

Humans are a sly bunch. We are so slick we even fool ourselves into fooling ourselves. We are even more clever when we have to face something huge.

Maybe because gigantic and life altering are just plain intimidating. Fuck the cold. Some stuff is huger than huge. Some of the things we avoid have the potential to leave us miserable and alone. But it can also make us happier than we’ve ever been. But how can we truly know?

That moment of hesitation that keeps us where we are is fear of failure. We feed ourselves so many lines.

What if I never…

No one else will…

This could be the biggest....

Mistake of your life?

Yes it could be, but how will you ever know? What if that big choice is the best choice you ever made?

???

Fear of failure is nothing new. Too many of us have run from trying because of it. Not all of us fear failure though.

Some of us fear success.

Success is a two edged sword. On one side, we are happy to accomplish. It feels good and every one around us is proud of our achievement.

On the dark side of success is indolence. Success raises the bar. It heightens expectations. We have to sustain our new levels of accomplishment. It means we have to keep on keeping on. We can no longer hide behind “I can’t: because now everyone knows we can. It also means we have to risk failure, over and over again.

What is worse? Trying and failing? Trying and succeeding?

Whatever our motivations are for not trying, we can find ourselves frozen in the warmth of familiarity. It’s just easier not to do anything, even if easier means being miserable for the rest of our lives.

You’d think it’d be easy to choose, but it’s not. There are other factors that keep us still. These factors play with our emotions.

Pain.

We don’t want to cause pain.

We especially don’t want to hurt those we love. Some life decisions can hurt those around us. In polyamory, it usually hurts more than one.

In my family, we have a situation where one of us wants to go or is it change things around? However we define it, this one act has a rippling effect and can change the dynamic of the group. That’s a huge burden to carry. How does it feel to know that your life choice doesn’t just affect one person, but two, three, four, five?

But some things just can’t be helped. Does one sacrifice potential happiness for the good of the many? Can one be assured that staying will sustain happiness? Will staying build resentment and create animosity where there wasn’t? How do we know that the change won’t be better for the group? Are these legitimate arguments or are we just trying to stay in the cozy longer than we should be?

Some things…

are

hard

to

do.

But there is always hope.

Hope is such a wonderful thing. It gives us the ability to get through hard times for we can always hope that things will be better.

However, hope can be an alluring song that leads us astray. We can ride hope until it blinds us to reality.

I hope none of us do this. I hope that we all realize that there always comes a point to make a decision.

I can’t tell anybody what that decision is. I can’t argue with a decision that has been made. No one can say what is right or wrong until we see the results of those choices. Then we can argue in hindsight. Right now though, we can only try to strip away fear, selfishness and all the things that cloud a sound decision and hope that we made the best decision.

So, round and round we go. Where we stop…

depends on our ability to accept and adapt.

It’s all simple smarts really, but the world is simply not black and white. No matter how you look at it.

Chaos and Other Things

2006-06-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

As the world turns…like sands through an hour glass…theses are the days…In a world…

I want to say that soap operas are bullshit. For the most part they are. I don’t have too many Samantha and Kiley’s running around trying to steal my man, take over my business, trick me into having my enemy’s babies or carting my off to some deserted island to live out the rest of my god forsaken days. Sometimes though, things never seem to stop.

I am not sure if I can really complain though. Polyamory is chaotic by nature. The stigma, the unacceptance, the hiding of additional partners creates a level of drama that always lurks in the shadows of our minds. This portion of chaos is not our fault though. Them, the they, who ever “they” are, are usually the ones who push us into these feelings. Perhaps they don’t do this intentionally. Most likely they do it because they can’t comprehend polyamory.

But that’s just a piece of the chaos pie. The one aspect we cannot ever get around is us. The minds involved in a polyamorous relationship are constantly in motion. If you are lucky they are all moving in relatively the same direction. The likelihood of that though, is small.

Desire, necessity, accommodation, compersion, selfishness, love, jealousy, sorrow, envy, happiness, joy…

Who is feeling what right now? How does it affect you? Are you a part of this picture or in the sidelines? Should you say something? Should you be quiet? What do you need? What does he need? What does she need?

Good polyamory is like a puzzle that constantly shifts. Today it is a rainbow. Tomorrow it is a cloudy day. The next day it is puppies and kittens. Some days are sunny skies for you, but a thunderstorm for another. It can be a problem when you are having a good day and a member of your family is not. That though, is easy to fix.

You take care of the one who needs it.

What happens though, when you are feeling badly at the same time as another? This depends on the combination of “who”.

Lover to lover can comfort each other. That’s simple. What if you are a part of a “V”? The apex is happy the two others are not. Here we encounter trouble. Does a primary take care of the other primary or the secondary? Who gets comforted first?

By standard rules the primary takes care of the primary first. But how does that make a secondary feel?

So you take care of the secondary first because you don’t want them to feel badly. But wait, now the primary’s feelings are hurt; they need help, too.
I don’t think priority is a matter of who is secondary and who is primary. I think it is a matter of what is wrong. A heart attack beats out a cold in any priority list. A death in the family beats out losing a job for most people; I guess it depends on who died.

Not all situations will be extreme like that. It can be something simple.

Margo and I could have a cold at the same time and we both may want Wayne’s help.

This is more difficult isn’t it?

Should a decision like that fall solely on Wayne? Should he have to choose who he helps first? And if he doesn’t choose me should I base his love for me on it? Won’t making Wayne choose cause unneeded pain?

In this situation, I think the decision should be between Margo and myself. We can look at the logistics of it all. Who is easier to get to? Are there other obligations that don’t make things feasible? Are there other issues exacerbating the current problem?

I guess when I say “chaos”, I mean drama. The potential for pain is always around the corner. We can talk and talk and talk but nothing prepares you for the way you will feel. The same situation can occur twice and I can feel differently about it. Much of this depends on the other factors in my life.

Did I have a good day at work?

Am I feeling well?

And sometimes it depends on what happened the last time trouble occurred.

If you are constantly giving and not receiving anything in return, that giving starts feeling like “giving up”. That sense of constant sacrifice builds resentment.

So polyamory is never just about combinations of two. Everyone in the family, group, what ever you want to call it affects every one. That, in and of itself, feels chaotic. Because in a normal relationship, usually only one person affects your life. In poly, it can be two, three, four, and so forth. However, monogamy is not without its own issue.

In any case, life can be a chaos cocktail. I say, drink up and be as spirited as you can.

Structures II

2006-06-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

Wow, communication is important isn’t it? I bring up a topic and scamper away because there are too many possibilities and no black and white answer. You guys are too forgiving and didn’t make a single comment on the last post. Anyway, it is true that we can do what ever we basically want in a poly relationship, as long as all of the partners agree this of course includes the fundamental rules. I am referring to rules in a broader sense of structure.

How a relationship is structured is very important. . It is something that should be done at the onset of a poly relationship, but that isn’t really easy to do. Most of us who are poly are feeling our way through and hoping that everything works out. Since we haven’t done this too much or not ever before, we base our structures on past experience.

A secondary may come into a household that has some harsh rules.

“You can’t spend nights together, you can’t go to certain restaurants, and you can’t do this or that.”

At first these things seem oppressive, but they are needed to establish security in the primary relationships. We can’t forget that primaries are going out on a limb when allowing additional lovers into their lives. Even when one wants to be poly we can have fear in it. However over the long term, the sense of oppression strips away a secondary’s concern for a primary’s insecurities.

Right now some primaries are saying, “Well, it’s my husband/wife. I make the rules. I am sharing my wife/husband isn’t that enough? ”. A primary can have all the rules he or she wants. A primary can tattoo “My spouse” on their partner’s forehead. A primary can bold, underscore and italicize the idea that they are sharing their spouse all they want. It doesn’t change the fact that there is a time when enough is enough.

If rules are set in stone then the relationships cannot progress. Thus, the relationships cannot be sustained.

Of course, I am speaking in terms of a more in-depth long term relationship. There are Swingers and part-time loves that never have to ask such questions as “What will we be to each other in 15 years? “ Their relationships are structured towards transience. The rules to sustain these types of relationships tend to be more strict. I have known a swinging couple who never allow lovers to be brought home. Some people never meet their spouse’s lovers. Some people are not allowed to see the same lover more than three times in a year or have lovers that must be long distance, thus forcing the sexual relations to be occasional. So, you can see that every poly dynamic is designed for specific needs.

But if you need something that feels like a family then things get a little harder. There are so many cultural lines that will be crossed and so many cultural instincts that need to be unlearned. How to do it right takes trial and error. Even those of us who consider ourselves in a successful poly relationship have doubts on occasion.

Anyway, we are talking about rules in terms of how a poly dynamic is structured. I’ve already said that structure is needed. I think I’ve said a million times that poly structures must be fluid, not static things. People change, wants and needs change. Most importantly, time and trust make insecurity pliable. It should, if everything is working right.

If there is still a need for harsh rules then something is wrong. The problem may not be between secondaries and primaries. We secondaries tend to think we are the catalyst in what is good or bad in our poly relationships. But sometimes the primaries are having problems with each other. They may have issues that stem back from before your arrival. Or it can be new life issues creeping in. Money, children, expectations…You know the drill.

Whatever the case is if a secondary is having issues, a primary should look into why they are keeping certain rules in place. Are the rules there to keep the secondary in their place or keep the other primary in theirs? If there is no real reason other then pure insecurity or jealousy the primary should look long and hard at their rules and how it affects the group as a whole. Is the rule a passive statement of distrust? Why is there lack of trust?

Big sigh.

Not all rules should be tossed out immediately. There are some things that a primary needs to feel secure. If certain rules are removed, it may be the first step of destroying the relationship. However, flip the coin. If the secondary doesn’t feel trusted or secure then that can ruin things as well.

It is hard to say what is and isn’t a good rule. The final decision depends on the group dynamics and what every one is willing to accept. If everyone is committed to keeping all relationships intact, then there shouldn’t be a problem in compromising. Give and take is essential in all aspects of poly. Just like in any relationship if someone feels they are giving more than they get things will begin to fall apart.

Structures

2006-05-31T14:52:00.000-07:00

How structured should a poly relationship be? How many rules are too many? How far can you keep a secondary at bay before that secondary decides to leave?

Yes, yes, yes it all depends. It depends on who’s married, who’s not, if there are kids, if everyone wants to live together, how much depth one wants out of their poly relationships. Since there is no real answer, I shouldn’t have brought it up. I think this is the easiest post ever. Bye now.

Simple, Really

2006-05-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

I have waited since the first day of class in January for the semester to be over. Finals week has come and gone and the sense of relaxation that I was expecting has not arrived. I suspect this is partly due to my changing role at work. My once ignored position has become important as management realizes the amount of money it protects. That alone though should not be enough to create my feeling of unrest.

I have had this sense of wanting now for months. I have talked about it over and over again until even I have wanted to ignore the subject. Annoying oneself is a great task. And I will have to say that I have had ease with it. Ignoring the matter though, is the wrong thing to do.

Ignoring internal or external issues acquires trouble or prolongs it.

Trouble.

The word seems light and conveys mischief. I wish I was referring to something so whimsical, but I am not. Minor issues come and go. They are easily discovered and corrected. In other words, we move on from them. They do not haunt us for days on end. Logic dictates that the trouble that is troubling me is not minor.

I know that there is something going on inside that brain of mine. Unfortunately, it has eluded me. I have hopped from one possibility to another only to discover that I haven’t discovered a damned thing.

It is natural to want to give up. One only wants to spend so much time on introspection. That, my friends, is why so many of us are fucked up. We ignore the internal telltale signs rapping ever so lightly on our nerves. We get used to it. The sense of wrongness becomes white noise in the depths of our consciousness. When this happens we must make a conscious effort to make things right. We owe this to ourselves and those around us. That is simple enough assuming one wants to face the problems that face us. Too often we don’t.

Confronting problems can be hard, especially when they are issues that may change the course of our relationships, the course of our lives. It is ironic that we tend to ignore the big issues. We tend to shy away from that which takes a little work, a little sacrifice, a little strength to get through. We like things easy and “as is” is much easier than changing anything.

So we sit, pretending that all is well, all is all right. But eventually though, that rap a tap tap comes a bang bang banging and the doors to reality come crashing down. ’Tis better to answer to things now than fear the beast on the other side. The sooner you do, the sooner things just don’t seem too bad. So very simple, really. Really.

One More Time

2006-05-17T14:41:00.000-07:00

I wrote this last Saturday evening. Events happened the next day that made me look at this relatively soft piece in a different way. I wanted to rewrite this, but then decided against it. As it is, this piece is general and simple. I could make it more personal, but I don’t have the emotional energy to expend on it. Now right now. So here it is…

I’ve written three articles for this weeks post. Each time, I start out wonderfully then lose my focus. Despite this, I have tried and tried to write something cohesive. Each time, I have failed.

Now I am asking myself if that is true. Have I truly failed?

I don’t think so. I have managed to start some great pieces. In them I have placed some nice ground work to build on.

I think my initial sense of failure stemmed from the fact that these pieces have not be so easy to write. Normally, I sit, write, post. These last three attempts though have been harder. So, do I scrap these pieces just because I have to work at them a little more? Should I put more work into them and hope it will all work out?

Yeah, I think I should. I think I should give them a good go before I decide they are worthless attempts at success. Though, I will need to take a step back and evaluate why they are not up to par. When I can do that, if I can do that, then I can fix them.

Too often we set aside things that are too hard. We want things to be easy. Everyone who is poly knows that it can be very difficult at times. But like I said, too often we run away when things get a little rough.

If your relationship isn’t as great as you think it should be right now, I would take a step back. Take some time and really look around you. Try to push away all of the crap that may be obscuring your view and evaluate your needs and the needs of those around you. Somewhere in the middle of all that is an answer. It’s there. You can find it.

I might go back to my articles and find that I can’t do a thing with them, but I am not scraping them until I know nothing can be done with them. I also am not going to force them to work. Forcing the creative flow is obvious in the finished piece. It will feel awkward or almost right, but something will always poke at your sense of quality.

If you force a relationship to work, it will hobble along for a while. Eventually though, that lack of quality that was gently poking at you will begin to feel like a stabbing pain. You can’t ignore that forever.

Anyway, it is up to you to try and fix things or not. I would though, give your relationships one more good try before walking away.

I would also pay attention to that poking sensation. It aches now and leaving a relationship with an aching heart is much better than leaving one with a bleeding one.

Hi there!

2006-05-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

Hi there guys and gals! I am here. I have posts, but am having technical difficulties so to speak and I have my finals this week. So, time is not in abundance. I will however, have somthing new posted by the end of this week. Hope all of you are enjoying the nicer weather. Well, here in California it finally stopped raining and summer has reared it's head. I can't say that I love the heat, but I do love the sunshine. Anyway, I will be back soon enough. Until than, love happy. ~Ilada

Untitled

2006-05-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

Maybe the hardest part of being poly is defining your role. Married primaries have it easier in this because they know who they are. They have established the relational identities of Husband and Wife. If they have children, they are additionally Father and Mother. These are the common slots in a romantic relationship, in an accepted romantic relationship. The unmarried primaries don’t have the legal binding, but they usually have the sense of priority. The titles of Girlfriend and Boyfriend have a sense of being capitalized. Their sense of importance is heightened to ensure the understanding of primary status.

This is all fine and dandy, but is it all about titles? Does a title underscore importance? And if you are truly poly, why do you need your status highlighted above all others?

Husband, Wife, Sister-Wife, Friend, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Lover, Other Partner, Other Significant Other, Fuck Buddy…

There is a time and place for titles. At the onset of a poly relationship it is very important, not just for the primaries, but also for the secondaries. Whether we like it or not, a hierarchy needs to be established.

The primaries need it for peace of mind. They need to feel secure about their roles in order to allow someone else into their romantic circle. The secondaries need it to understand boundaries and to gain a sense of place.

Like I said, this is ideal for the onset of a relationship, but after some time titles can get in the way of the secondary’s security in the relationship.

After a period of time the reiteration of titles ceases to be a tool to build an understanding of relationship dynamics. In time, titles become walls that prevent fully expressed love.

If there is no sense of progression in a relationship a secondary can become insecure and begin questioning their existence within a poly unit. This sense of stagnation can erode the ability to trust and even to love. The same thing happens within a one-on-one couple.

If a girl spends two years with a guy and she doesn’t feel like anything more than a girlfriend then she thinks the relationship is going nowhere and is a waste of time. Of course, the monogamist is usually heading towards the goal of marriage. We all know that at this time in history a secondary doesn’t have that goal available to them.

So what can be done?

The elimination of titles can be a start. Removing them will not remove the sense of boundaries. That has been established. Though, the boundaries might have to be broadened.

And really that is the killer of a poly relationship isn’t it, the inability to allow a secondary to become more? If the primaries are afraid of this, then they really shouldn’t be poly or at least not expect long term relationships.

It is not the secondaries fault. The long-term secondary can’t help but want more. Primaries who cling to their primary status to feel secure should understand this. These are the same primaries that are afraid to lose that “more” that they already have.

And more doesn’t have to mean marriage, babies, moving in or any of that scary stuff. Sometimes more just means,

“I want to feel secure.”
“I want to know that I am more than a weekend fuck.”
“I want to know that this is not a game.”

Taking titles away does not establish more by itself, but it can move the poly unit’s mindset from a sense of upper class/lower class standpoint. And that’s what titles really do in the long run; they create a sense of better than and less than.

Having said that, I am not saying that titles are always bad. It really comes down to how they are used.

If I am told over and over and over again that I am a secondary or just a girlfriend and that Wayne is not my husband and so forth, I will begin to feel badly about it.

If these types of things are said in a lighthearted manner then it would be different. It can be funny introducing Margo as the “Other woman” when everybody knows full well that I am the other woman. Sometimes Margo and I speak of Wayne as “the husband.”

Do you see what happened there? The title “ husband ” was shared between the two of us. It is the beginnings of breaking down the barriers that prevent absolute trust in the poly relationship. Plus it’s fun to call him that in the middle of the store and get the random quizzical look.

So eliminating or sharing titles can help a poly unit ease into that “\more” category that so many secondaries are looking for. Now, I don’t suggest that seconds around the world start calling the boyfriends “the husband”. That really needs to be the primary’s decision. After all, “the husband” is her husband.

I am suggesting though that everyone look into such minutia as titles and understand what they are reflecting upon the secondary. Poly units may find that they are contributing to insecurity by the way they use titles or by the mere usage of titles. If someone is unhappy then it is time to talk and come to a reasonable solution.

A Brief Mention of Silence

2006-04-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

Silence.

There is a time to be silent. There is a time for introspection. There is a time to look in the mirror before you begin to look around. In moments of pain or confusion we forget ourselves and look to others to reproach. It is our nature to find cause, to give credit, to lay blame.

I mention this because there is nothing wrong right now. I have nothing to complain about. Yet, I have a sense of trepidation. I am searching for fault out of expectation, not out of empirical evidence. Since the world around me is calm. Then I must be the cause of my own troubled thoughts.

I’ve spent too much time in tumultuous relationships. So much so, that I do not understand this ongoing happiness. I want to create difficulty because that is what I have known. I seem to crave the argument, a problem to be solved, something other than the hush of serenity. A little drama shows me…

Proof of love.

A twisted form of validation, I think.

I have been trained by the past and in the face of this placidity, I do not know what to do with myself.

So, there is a time for silence, but there is also a time to speak.

It is time for me to voice my problem to my poly family. I have to tell them about this part of my current outlook. It will not paint me in the best light, but they will understand and be receptive in helping me re-train my self. Because that is what must be done, I must re-train my perception of happiness.

Happiness does not require pain to exist. There is no scale that demands a price be paid. And there is no need to test love with combative notions. Love is proven by time and willing deeds, not by pressing someone’s emotions to the limit to see if they will stay. One day, they may go.

Loved ones need not pay for the sins of the past. You need not continue to pay for the sins of others.

Or for your own.

Not the Things

2006-04-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

I wanted the hand-fasting to be in May. Things have been and seem too hectic though to do it. I think we had imagined something big though. I think Wayne thought I wanted something akin to a marriage ceremony. I admit I fancied the thought for a bit, but then decided something like that would be too much.

Margo had stated she wanted this to be a trial. Really that is what a hand-fasting is supposed to be right? A contract for a year? I do not know the full history of it, but I know the current view say that a hand-fasting is supposed to be renewed yearly.

Anyway, I had this sense of confusion about this whole thing. I wanted a symbol of progression. I wanted a marker of time passed and a sense of accomplishment. I wanted physical effort placed in unspoken promises. As the days grew closer and closer I pushed the idea further and further.

Other obligations pushed it away as well until it seemed unimportant. I felt it was unimportant and I gathered Margo and Wayne did, too. I started feeling like they didn’t care and they were just patting my head and saying okay.

You know, I don’t care if they are. I still want it. I don’t care if they don’t feel the same way about as I do or not. There is no rule that says they have to. I don’t really see any thing wrong with doing something to make someone happy and I sure as hell see nothing wrong with someone doing something to make me happy.

Sure it would be nice if the hand-fasting was some grandiose thing, but it’s not time for that yet. It’s not time for it to be shared with the world. Right now, this is ours. This is something between the three of us.

I want Margo, Wayne and I to go out to some secluded part of nature. I want to feel the power of the God around me and the Goddess smiling over me. I want Margo to walk me to Wayne and in a circle of three I want to hold hands and just be. Then I want Margo to kiss Wayne and let go of our hands and then I want him to hold me, just the two of us. Then I want Margo to come back and it be the three of us. That’s all.

Then maybe one, two, three years from now we can have a party. And I don’t care who comes anymore. I don’t care if anyone sees legitimacy in my love for Wayne. Because wanting that causes too much pain. Requiring that subtracts from all the goodness. I’ve made my choice and I need to stop torturing myself over wants I’ve been told to have; they are not things that I need.

p.s. A cheapo ring would be nice. Something that she and I could both wear.

In the Mumbling of the WInd

2006-04-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

I am feeling happiness, frustration, sorrow, guilt and want all at the same time. I do feel joy in my relationship with Wayne. I know that it has grown dramatically in the last two years and it is only getting better. I also know that the relationship between Margo and myself is stronger than it has ever been. Yet sorrow, frustration, and guilt still burrow their way into my thoughts.

I feel these emotions quite strongly during, yep during my time of the month. I understand that my emotions are tender during this time, but even so there has to be something about the reoccurrence.
So, I have to ask myself “What is my damage?”

Why do I feel frustrated?

I want more. Though, I don’t really understand what more is. I know that I want something and I have tried to make it tangible by asking for a hand-fasting. I think I want this because I feel like I am floating on possibilities and I need some sense that all of this is real. I need to know that I am not living my life on assumptions and that Wayne and Margo agree with my view on what we are. Somehow talking about it is not enough. Words drift a part and become different creatures sometimes, so how can I be sure that I am being heard? I feel ritual will translate my feelings. It will at least give me a marker to stand on.

Why do I feel sorrow?

Sometimes I look at Wayne and Margo and see what they have. I see normalcy. I see beauty in the simplicity of living life as expected. No, they are not “normal” in the true sense. If you only took my relationship to them in account they cannot be. But they can pretend to be just like everyone else. They can enter the world of expectation. Parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, teachers, store clerks, anyone they want to be normal in front of they can be.

I see this and wonder what do people see when they look at me. Am I failure because I did not marry? Am I less than because I cannot hold up pictures of children? Will I be judged for not being what I am supposed to be?

We celebrated Margo’s parents 50th Anniversary this weekend. It was a grand event and there was much joy to be had in its triumph. I was appreciated for my role in the event and felt closer to being apart of that family than I ever thought was possible. But even in this, I knew that I would not have the chance to celebrate the time, effort, and struggle I put into my relationship, at least not in front of family and friends. It will always be a private, quiet thing. So, there is sorrow that my personal joy will not ever be known outside the confine of my hidden world.

Why do I feel guilt?

I feel guilt for feeling sadness in the middle of my happiness. I feel guilt for lessening something that took so much to build and takes so much to keep afloat. I feel greedy and undeserving of any pain when I know that there are those that have less than I do. I know there are people who will spend every night alone and it doesn’t compare to the few nights I spend by myself. I feel guilty because my feelings kick the feet right from under everything that is given to me. I feel guilty for wanting and needing anything more than what I have.

So frustration, sorrow, and guilt cake into my skin like dirt. They sink into the creases and make me feel heavier and older than I am. I know it will wash away. I know these things are not apart of my being and I will shed them.

Right now, I don’t feel quite like myself. But I think of them. I think of the man that I love and the friend who has become more than sister. I hold on to the bits of joy they give me and I know I will find myself somewhere in the mumbling of the wind that says I love you.

Oh So Busy

2006-04-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon all,

Perhaps it is nighttime for some of you. Who knows? Anyway, this is a brief message to let all of you know that this week is chock full of…stuff. It’s Margo’s parents 50th Anniversary party this weekend and all of my spare time is being divided between preparing for that, school, and housework. So, this week’s post is this lame thing.

It’s good though, to be busy with good things. So even though I am tired and feeling a little run over by things, I am happy.

Much has happened and I have tons to talk about. One major thing occurred, but I am not sure if I want to talk about everything that happens. Some things are just too private to share. Though, it is pertinent to poly. We’ll see how that goes. I now this post will cause a few people in the know to voice their opinion on the matter. For now though, I will be quiet about it.

On a more up front note, my poly group is falling apart. I am not sure how long it will last. We meet once a month and things seemed to be going well, but then things got weird. I am not sure about the exact why’s of things. I didn’t really bother to ask.

Partly, because I didn’t think it was my place and secondly I just didn’t seem to care as much as I thought I would. I know this is due to other situations that have occurred recently and I find I don’t have the energy to give a damn. I might regret it later, but I also know that I can’t live my life worrying too much about others.

There is a time to be selfish and I think now is the time for it. I need to worry about myself and those who are close to me. They matter more and their happiness has a direct correlation to my own.

Well, isn’t that a tangled topic. Perhaps I will revisit it. For now though, have a great week. Love Happy.

Letting Go ( A wee bit off topic.)

2006-03-29T12:25:00.000-08:00

We went to see the Belly Dance Super Stars last night. It was awesome! The show was spectacular, though at times there was a little too much going on and not enough focus on the dance itself. I guess though, people need a lot of bang for their money. Some people need the extra drama.

We had originally planned to go with some other friends, but there was a falling out a few weeks ago. I won’t go into the detail of it all, but suffice it to say the thing has gone much further than it should have. The friend in question has been ignoring any attempts at reconciliation and from reactions from certain other mutual acquaintances it’s quite possible she is well, talking trash. I find her handling of the situation incredibly childish and I have lost a lot of the respect I held for this person. It is a shame really because I thought there was more substance there.

I think we can all learn from this situation though. No, you don’t have the details of what happened and there are always two sides to the story. Anyone hearing just one side of things always has to take the words with a grain of salt.

Anyway, the lesson here is not just about communication. It is also about letting go. Often we hold on to relationships out of pride or just sheer stubbornness. This friendship I am talking about was relatively new and apparently not strong enough to pass the hurdle of the first fight. Even so, there is a loss, a sense of failure in it. I think these feelings push us to hold on to things longer than we should.

This is especially true in the poly world. There are so few of us and when we find the fixings for a wonderful relationship we fight to make it work. There is no shame in giving second chances and there is no shame in wanting something to work. It is in our nature to want to succeed. But when it comes to the point that you are hurting yourself then it is time to let go. Even if it means polyamory takes a hit.

(The validity of polyamory is not on your shoulders. So don’t carry it when you don’t need to.)

The Friend, for instance, snubbed my group last night. They didn’t even take the time to say hello. What kind of person does that when there was no personal confrontation involved in the original disagreement? If there had been a heated argument or something violent, I would understand. This “argument” though was just a simple difference in point of view. And in my point of view, the difference would have saved the Friend a lot of future embarrassment and prevented her from stepping on some toes. In essence, the Friend is upset because someone tried to save her from making an ass out of herself.

In any case, I find the Friends behavior lacking in class. I see that she may well be a detriment to the well being of my family. She was offered an opportunity for closure or to mend the relationship; she declined by turning her back on us, all the while playing the martyr.

Whether or not she is truly a martyr we can’t say. She never allowed a discourse to discover what exactly went wrong. She never allowed a review from both sides. She instead cut communication off either out of fear of confrontation or an inability to face the reality of things. She would rather allow conflict to fester and grow rather than openly work things out.

There doesn’t have to be a winner here. But there should be an understanding that the issue needs to be put aside or the contact between the parties has to end. It’s simple. It’s appropriate, respectful conduct.

It is obvious that the Friend requires conflict in her life. It is obvious that this situation is being used to build sympathy and feed low self-esteem. It is obvious that it is time to let this friendship go. NO one needs this type of negativity. Life is hard enough.

I am grateful that there was no real damage done here. We have a few bruised egos, a loss of a friend, and a little unneeded drama. But the high road was taken. No one on this side of things can be faulted for not having tried to make things better.

Take this little story to heart. Someday it may not be about a friend you just met a few months ago. It may be about a lover that you really care about. It may be about someone that you have accepted into your family. It may be a relationship that you have put a lot of time and energy into. This situation I spoke of is nothing compared to those things. Even so, there is a time to let go.

You and Yours

2006-03-22T11:44:00.000-08:00

I took my own advice and looked at what I want out of life. I asked myself some basic questions.

!) Do I want to get married?
2) Do I want to have kids?
3) Do I want to move someday?
4) Do I want to finish school?
5) Do I want to continue to work where I am?
6) Can I ever live with Margo and Wayne?
7) Can I truly accept being apart of their family?
8) If marriage is not important to me, is being the primary important to me?
9) Would I be poly on my own?
10) Can I live my life knowing that my family and friends though loving and accepting may never see my relationship with Wayne as legitimate?
11) Can I continue to live my life on the fringes of normality?
12) Can I answer all of these questions with my own best interests in mind, not Wayne’s or Margo’s?
13) Can I face the answers if they are not emotionally what I want?

The thirteenth question is really the hardest isn’t it? If we all answer truthfully when we ask ourselves these questions, chances are a few of us will come across something that will tell us to move on. The reality though, is that most of us will skip the honest answer. We will give ourselves some rationalization that will suit our current want, not what we need. Or we will think that want is a need and justify the wrong decision.

Denial is such a tricky thing. It is the mirror put to our face and our refusal to see our own reflections.

I answered the questions as honestly as I could. I was unsure about a few of them. I am not sure if I want kids. I am not sure if I want to be married. I know that these are things that I have been taught to want. They are things I am expected to obtain in order to be seen as successful by society. I cannot tell if my indecision is based on societal expectation or my own.

How much of your poly issues are based on cultural expectations? How many times do you question your life because it does not fit into the norm? How often do you wonder if you are doing the right thing?

Probably just as much as everyone else. And I do mean everyone else. Polyamory does not make our lives special. They are different because of it. We face different issues, but on the whole we are basically the same as the monogamist. They ask themselves the same questions and are faced with the same expectations.

They too ask themselves if they want to get married. They too ask themselves if they want kids. They too have to ask themselves if they can integrate into new families.

Yes, our lives have a slightly different spin on things. And yes, they don’t always have to deal with religious or cultural scorn, not always. But do we have to deal with disapproval on a daily basis?

No, we don’t.

When we understand that we aren’t much different from everyone else, everyone else will come to accept us. In the mean time, we all have to work on being the best us’s we can. We need to develop our relationships and show the world that they can work just as well as traditional monogamist couples. Because whether you realize it or not, there are battles ahead of us. Someday, we will fall beneath the political eye. Are you ready to stand under scrutiny? Can you say that you have made the best possible choices you can?

Even if you don’t think I am right about all the political crap, you should be able to answer yes to those questions. You owe it to you and yours.

Planning on Planning or Full Force Ahead...You Decide

2006-03-15T15:08:00.000-08:00

When I write I don’t always see the goal. In short pieces this is fine. I can ramble on and on and I will eventually come across something worth while. In the end it looks as if I started off with something to say.
When I start longer pieces however, I tend to lose my focus and the bright shining beginning begins to wander somewhat aimlessly. Of course the answer to this is to create an outline. An outline will show you the way. Anytime you feel yourself going astray you can refer to it and it will remind you of what you were supposed to be doing.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could do that for everything? I would love to turn to Margo and Wayne and say “Hey, that’s not in the outline!” and then we could move forwards towards our goal.
I know some of you out there have done that for yourselves. I know a few people who have mapped out their lives and have been steaming full force ahead following the guidelines they have given themselves. School, job, marriage, children…
I can see this working all the way up until the children, the children will skew the lines because there will come a time when they will make their own decisions despite any parental efforts. But, I think a lot of the problems of this life planning starts getting screwed up with marriage. It is one thing to plan your life for yourself, but to add someone else to the equation and expect them to follow your plan is just plain silly, not impossible, but silly. Often individual life plans have to be edited here and there to allow another’s plans to mesh in. This doesn’t mean sacrificing your needs. It’s just a matter of finding compatibility and perhaps even compromising.

However, most of us just scoot along and hope for the best. Mainly because planning a life just isn’t in our mental makeup. Plus, planning a life for two together can be difficult. How hard is it for three? Four? I can count as high as you have time for lovers. In any case, it’s just plain difficult for some to map a life and even harder when more people are involved. Though, it can be done if we can work out a game plan on planning. (Yikes!)

First off, we have to find that magical combination. Finding the right people to be poly with is a task unto itself, but let me say the right combo is well worth the effort. The level of happiness can be just as profound as of that found in monogamous relationships. Perhaps even more so as the efforts to create a happy poly relationship takes more work and imagination.

Building a model ship can be satisfying. Designing it and building it from scratch can be more so.

Once the right combination of personalities is found, poly folk can move forth and build that elusive dream, the sustainable happy relationship. This difficulty is not exclusive to poly relationships; the monogamists have just as much trouble sustaining anything worth while.
It is true that it is harder for us. We don’t have hundreds of books, television shows, songs… I guess what I am trying to say is, we don’t have entire cultures telling us how it should be done. We have to map it as we go along. (Captain Kirk doesn’t know what undiscovered country is until he’s had to decide whether or not he should do his wife before he goes and does his girlfriend! Hmmmm, I wonder how many pops a day Kirk could pull off anyway?)

Geek points aside, once we have the right people we have to ascertain the goals of each. Theoretically, being the “right” person should mean you have all of the same or similar goals, but we don’t always have a sense of this when we venture into our relationships. We are often caught up in the discovery of our partners and even ourselves to stop and ask, “What are you planning to do with the rest of your life?” This is not usually a first date question.
In any case, it is not really a matter of when the question is asked. It is a matter of wanting to ask. When it is the right person you will want to know the answer to that question because this question can make or break the continuation of the relationship. It should anyway.

All to often we hop on board a relationship and hope for the best or even worse we hope the others will change to suit our needs. You might think you are loyal or even optimistic, but how much time do you have to waste on something that isn’t going to make you happy in the long run?
It may be hard to pull away from an exciting relationship, but no one says it has to end. It just needs to be revised to allow you to obtain your goals. This may mean enjoying the relationship while you can and everyone understanding that you may leave someday.
Meshing life goals doesn’t necessarily mean spending your entire life with someone. It can mean spending now with someone. Just how long “now” is, is up to everyone involved.

And yes, goals can change on either side of the equation. However, we cannot make our life choices on the hopes that they will. We must have a foundation. If that foundation does not include agreement on absolute goals then everyone is fooling themselves.

In all of this, the poly relationship seems so open-ended. There seems to be so much uncertainty. It can make a person wonder if they can plan their lives within a poly relationship.

You can.

It just takes a little more communication and a lot of introspection.

Really the best thing you can do is prepare yourself to be the right person. Know thyself as it were. If you can answer all of the questions you want to ask of your life partners then you are one step ahead in creating something that is sustainable. In fact, knowing who you are and what you want can lead you to the right people. Those of like minds really do find each other. It’s one of the social laws of life.
This whole happy relationship thing is not a myth. The people who took the time to understand themselves have them. The knowledge they brought into their relationships became a strength to build upon. If you can’t plan anything else in your life, plan that. Plan to be the best you you can be and understand who that person is. With that knowledge, you can forge full force ahead into anything you want.

I know.

2006-03-08T15:09:00.000-08:00

It’s late at night and the lights are off. I am in bed cuddled in my blankets listening to the heater crackle and spit. I close my eyes and I can see the furnace open his and look around at the quiet in the night. His big white teeth grin at me and I smile back. Here we are, he and I nestled in the living room while the others sleep away in their rooms.

I am on the couch and to the peeping tom I am a guest sleeping in the only place left in the house. Little does tom know that the blankets I use are set aside for me. I have a special place to keep them when I am away.

The feather filled pillow my head lays upon is mine. Though often it is kept warm and cozy on the master bed. When I nuzzle my cheek against it, I can feel the love that surrounds it. I know that they have created it during the week. I know that the magic that they make has seeped into the fibers and its little wings caress my nose as I slumber.

Above me, the bird makes his final chirp before the night shushes him to sleep. I look up to see him warm, cozy and drifting away. Does he dream of open expanses? Is he soaring above the ocean while his beak is tucked away?

I close my eyes again. I feel my muscles relax and the weight of me sinks into the cushions. Though I am miles away from my bed, I know that I am home.

juz talkin' 'bout nuffin

2006-03-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!

I hope everything is going well with the lot of you. Things are good with me.
Wayne and I celebrated our second anniversary on the 26th of this month. It's hard to beleive that it's been that long. On the other hand, I cannot remember life before him.

Okay, I do. It just seems like a far away dream.

I look back and I can see how far we have come as a couple and as a poly family.
Wayne and I are still going strong. We still talk late into the night and have to stop ourselves lest we talk our way past the wee morning hours and into the afternoon. It still amazes me that I still feel the NRE. It's supposed to go away isn't it?

It may still be there though because I spend several days away from him. If our time were condensed like a normal couple, I may have already gotten tired of his ass. I guess you can say the NRE is being pro-rated and sooner or later the accumulated depreciation will catch up. Ug. Too much accounting in my brain. (I just got out of class. Don't ask me why I am taking accounting; you'll get a boring answer.)

My relationship with the family has also grown. Margo and I are closer that we ever have been and well the rest of the situation has fallen into it's natural place. I think back and cannot recall a happier time in my adult life. I have some childhood moments that could be contenders, but overall now beats then too.

So, if any one tells you you are making a mistake doing this poly thing tell them to shove it up their..I guess you can pick the orifice. If you get the right combination of people wonders can happen in your life.

In the past two years I have known true romantic love for the first time and got a loving family to boot. I can't in my wildest dreams ask for more. (Lottery, please.)

Okay, I am super tired and this is as intellectual as I am getting this week. I do have a really good topic for next week. Hugs and smile big. ~I

p.s. The pic is "Gilda" by Alan Daniels.

The Hidden All Around Us

2006-02-23T08:04:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we focus on a single aspect and fail to see the bigger picture. Other times we skip the details. So, in everything we have to find balance. How much is too much and how much is not enough? For the most part, we have to learn to calibrate life on our own. Through trial and error we find the middle ground and the answers to our questions. On occasion, we find answers that we hadn’t had questions for…

Kate’s parents are celebrating their 50th anniversary this year. For a few months now, Kate has been planning the party and has been relatively excited about the whole thing. A few weeks ago or perhaps it’s been several now, Kate turned to me and asked me about the floral arrangements. Huh? , I had thought to myself. Why is she asking me? She went on about what her ideas were and asked my input and I gave it enthusiastically amidst my confusion. I wasn’t invited to the celebration, but I guess she just wanted me to feel a part of the whole thing.

Then the week before last, Kate’s Mom asked for my address. Again, I thought why? Kate told me her Mom needed my address to send me a formal invitation.

I hadn’t realized that I was invited. It hadn’t occurred to me that I would be.

Why didn’t it occur to me?

Because I never assume inclusion in anything.

I work from the premise that I will not be automatically involved in anything that Kate and john do as a family.

Is this healthy?

Probably not.

At this time though, it is the only way I know how to deal with the possibility of exclusion, which still feels like rejection to me. Even when I understand the logical reasons behind the why’s of not being included, it still hurts. It is still a reminder that I am not a part of the family.

Well, I know I am a part of the family, but only at the word of John and Kate. I am not legally a part of them. We are legal strangers in the eyes of the law. Culturally, my role in their lives is unacceptable. So, I am sometimes hidden or forced to pretend I am something that I am not. Having to do this underscores the unspoken.

When I am placed in that position, I feel a dull ache in the pit of my stomach and it throbs threatening to overtake me. It takes so much to smile and play the family friend. It hurts to see John and Kate hold hands and snuggle and know that I cannot do those things. I have to sit and watch from a bubble that keeps John at a distance. And when it is alone time again and I am allowed to show my affection, it becomes difficult. The bubble that started off thin and fragile hardens and becomes this barrier that has to be broken.

So, with all this talk about the anniversary party started, I began the creation of my bubble. I started distancing my self from all of it so I wouldn’t have to feel rejection. I sat quietly and listened to Kate’s plans. I was a good sport and left my issues out of the anniversary planning conversations.

Then an odd thing happened on the way to the market…

The week before last John and I went to pick up some items from the happy couple. Mom came out and talked to me, rather enthusiastically. She talked a bit about the party and went on to tell me one of her millions of stories. (I am fresh meat and haven’t heard all of them yet.) It is no surprise really that Kate’s Mom talked to me, but it was a surprise that she made the effort to do it. In the past, it has always seemed that she talked to me because it was the polite thing to do. This time if felt like she wanted to talk to me.

What was even more amazing was the warm smile Kate’s Dad gave me. He has never been mean to me. He has always been polite. But this time, this time there was texture to his face. I saw the crease in his eyes and his laugh lines peeked through his beard. There was warmth there that I hadn’t felt before.

Then, I was asked to see the hall they had rented for the party. Kate, John and I met with Mom and Dad at the hall. Does that sentence make anyone else feel all bubbly inside? Does anyone one else see the evolution of my poly family? Does anyone else see that in trying to protect myself I was blind to so much around me?

I have been working from a negative premise. “ I am not a part of the family.” Though I kick and scream that I am a part of the family, I don’t always feel it. Perhaps, these are issues that have carried over from my childhood. Perhaps these are universal feelings of the poly secondary. I cannot say for sure.

I do know that protecting ourselves from pain is natural. I know that secondaries have to start off their relationships with some amount of armor or they will get eaten alive. But I am starting to understand that we cannot live our lives behind plates of iron and steel. We cannot truly be free with the burden of so much weight. We have to take the chance that some one will pierce our hearts. We have to chance the pain in order to feel the love that surrounds us.

I have been hiding myself. I have been focusing on the potential of rejection. In doing so, I didn’t see the acceptance growing all around me. This poly stuff isn’t all about the bad. If it were, they why would we continue to try? I guess all I can say is love happy and learn to step away from the dark side.